Letting Go of Regrets

by Rev. Doti Boon

     Someone asked me yesterday, "Aren't you sorry you cancelled the trip to Mt. Shasta?"  It took me a moment to remember what they were talking about!  I had planned for a trip in mid-June of this year and decided to cancel it last month because of surgery.  And, I had forgotten about it!  The idea of feeling regretful or remorseful has never served me.  I tend to make quick decisions and then - live with the results.  Knowing that hindsight never solves anything.  Does that mean I have never made mistakes?  Heaven's no!  Sometimes I think Sunday Celebration attendees are waiting to see how I am going to goof up next!  Just last week Elvis Presley kept singing "Well it's one for the money" through my well drafted musical sermon based on Memories!  First I blushed, then I giggled - and now I just shake my head and laugh at myself.
     I am always surprised when folks are upset about their past decisions and beat themselves up with remorse and regret.  Many still worry about breaking up with a high school sweetheart, quitting a routine job that paid well, having addictions, getting divorced, not having children and the most difficult - the person harmed has died and they can't forgive themselves.
     It is time to cut yourself some slack.  I read recently that staying cheerful well into old age was found in folks that didn't have remorse or regret over what they had done in the past.  While those who constantly worried and continuously beat themselves up were depressed and had shorter lives!
     I bet you have experienced regret; usually we know the moment it happens.  It's right after you realize you did something you wish you didn't. Maybe you broke someone's trust and now the guilt is overwhelming you. Maybe you jeopardized your job in some way and now you're terrified your world will come crashing down or worse yet - you did something your parents may find out about!
     Regardless of what you did, you can feel your anxiety like a kangaroo kicked you in the stomach. (Dramatic? Yes. Regret and remorse are rarely reasonable.)
It's that dreaded "good God, oh no, what was I thinking, why me" moment you think one of three things:
* I did something I shouldn't have and I might not be able to fix it.
* I did something I shouldn't have so I'm going to lose something important.
* They will never trust or love me again.

     One or all of those things might be true. In fact, they often are. Actions do have consequences. We do lose things-all through life. Nothing is permanent, not even the most secure relationship. But none of this has to be catastrophic.
     Sometimes losing one thing opens you up to something else. It might be a lesson that helps you be happier in the future, or a new possibility you never even thought to seek.
     The point is you can eventually let go and move on. And because you're a strong, smart, capable person, you'll find ways to make this meaningful for you. You can make up for what you lost by gaining something equally important; whether it's a new understanding of your strengths, a new idea of who you want to be, a new opportunity to try again a little wiser or a spiritual awakening to the power of prayer!
     It's hard to think that way when your dream job is slipping through your fingers, you lost someone who made your life perfect, you are thirteen years old sitting in a police car - caught taking a package of Suzy Q's from a 7-11or you just found out you or your girl friend is pregnant! 
     I work with people who constantly lament what they did wrong by not getting a specific degree, making a certain investment, getting fired from a good job, or letting "the one" get away. These regrets are not life threatening, but become life-crippling.  And interestingly - these folks stop looking at the "good things" in their lives and instead dwell on their regrets. This is like flying a plane to the next destination in your life while sitting in the pilot's seat facing backward! Stop focusing on the past - unless a situation makes a great story!

     One of my clients was upset about having spent a week-end in jail because of a DUI; certain her family would never speak to her again.  When I finally convinced her to tell her family before she went back to court - she was amazed at the support she received. Achieving sobriety from this instance changed the entire dynamics in her family, her job and her health.  Instead of regretting, she started re-living.
     Remember no matter what changes or slips away, you can still do something meaningful and fulfilling right from where you are.  Regret keeps you from letting go and moving forward.
Accept:  Though you may never love your regrets, you will gain great power when you stop resisting them and accept them as done and over with. It is what it is. Accepting your regret means you are no longer taking sides within yourself or rehashing what you could have done differently. Every moment invested in the past is a moment stolen from the present.  Write down your regrets so you can see what you're dealing with. It will give you a bit of distance so you can deal with them objectively. 
Learn:  Search for the lessons your regrets contain. What quality or action would have changed the outcome of what you regret to something desired? For example, if being more kind, spontaneous, diligent, or understanding would have shifted the event, then work on becoming more of that.
Amends:  If there is something you can do (reach out to heal a relationship, admit what you have done, make restitution, or just plain apologize) to improve a situation, do it. You'll feel better.  For more help - check out the AA Big Book for helpful ideas, particularly Twelve Step #9 "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." And - it works!

Forgive:  Perpetual guilt and non-forgiveness of ourselves does nothing to improve a situation. It does not atone for a wrong or make anything right. It robs us of present joy and the power to create a better and happier future. Release and forgive yourself. If you can't do this on your own, seek the help of a counselor, clergy or 12 Step program. You deserve happiness!

Embrace possibility:  There's a myth that the best of life happens in youth. Research proves this just isn't true. Seniors are the happiest of all. We live in a world of possibility. A new friend of mine just remarked they had never seen anyone laugh and have as much fun as I do at 74 and 3/4. Romance, professional success, health and joyful living isn't governed by age. It's governed by attitude. Let go of the past and instead of imagining all the things that could have turned out differently back then, use it to imagine all of the wonderful things that CAN actually happen in the future. What you focus on grows. You'll begin to notice opportunities and relationships that support your desire. I just finished reading about Ida Keeling - 97 - who broke the U.S. sprinting record for her age group in 2012 the 100-meter dash in just under 52 seconds.  She says, "I describe myself as over the hill and picking up speed - with no intent to slow down."  Instead of giving in to remorse, regret and depression  when both of her sons died in drug related deaths, she started running at the age of 67.  Her motto, "Don't wait for somebody to love you; love yourself.  Do what you need to do, not what you want to do.  And, try to stay calm if you can."

Lessons from the dying:  Bronnie Ware, RN spent years caring for dying people. In her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying - A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing, Bronnie shares that the number one regret of the dying is: "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me." Wherever you are, no matter what has occurred it's not too late to learn from this, the greatest of all regrets, and live the rest of your life honoring your truth.

A sure path to happiness is to forgive and release hurtful feelings towards yourself and others. It is not necessary to forgive and FORGET, but it is necessary to forgive and release the pain so you can regain your power and live with more smiles in your life.

SUN. June 9 - 12:00 to 1:30 - Open House and Office Blessing for Rev. April Lussier. See sidebar for more.

SUN. June 9 - 12:00 to 1:30 - Laura and Blanca's office will also be open and available for blessing.

SUN. June 9 - 1:00 to 3:30 - Ayurveda Workshop with Laura Marshall. See side bar for more information. 

WED. June 12 - 6:00 to 9:00- Transcender Instituto en espanol

THURS. June 13 - 7:00 to 9:00 - Druid Training. First Gift: Philosophy with Dr. Ayleen

June 17 to 20 - 9:00 to 5:00 - Vortex Training: Clearing the Kundalini Channel. Please  contact Rev. Becca Thompson for more details.

MON. June 17 - 7:00 to 8:30 - World Peace Meditation. A monthly meditation to add our energy to the Divine intention of peace and harmony for all life on the planet. Come join us, bring the concerns heavy on your heart to be placed in the circle of prayers and healing. Evening includes chanting, guided meditation, prayer work and inspirational music by Rev Janet Childs, facilitated by Rev. April Lussier

SAT. June 22 - 1:00 to 5:00 - Old Testament with Beth Thomlinson ($30).
1. Overview of the books in the Old Testament, what information they cover, i.e., what's the plot and purpose of each book? 
2. Who wrote the books of the Old Testament and when?
3. What language were they written in, and how has the text changed between then and now? What relationship does the Old Testament we read today have to the Old Testament of 2,000 years ago?
4. What was happening in the history of the Israelites at the times covered in the Old Testament, i.e., how does the Old Testament fit into the context of historical events?