The Four Communication Rules and Violations

    After thirty-five years in private psychotherapy practice and decades of studying and teaching, I've found all good communication boils down to just four simple rules. Whether it's with our spouse, our kids or our b oss, mastering these concepts will have us communicating with anyone about any topic, effectively and lovingly. While this topic is not new to many of you readers, I believe we can never be reminded of them enough. They are simple but not easy.

    Knowing the 4+4 communication rules and violations doesn't make for stilted convers ations. Being aware of them gives us a choice about whether we want distance or closeness with our words. By abiding by the four rules we honor ourselves and others with every exchange and increases the probability of finding connection and common ground.

"I forget-- Are you not speaking to me or just not listening?"

1. The First Rule is "talk about yourself." This is our domain. It's a big enough task to take care of ourselves so believing it's our duty to comment on or interpret others diverts us from focusing on what's true for us about us. It's appropriate to share what we feel, think, want, and need. This brings closeness, as we reveal information about ourselves. It can take some time to determine what we really believe, feel, or want.

The First Violation is to tell other people about themselves (without permission). This includes blaming, sarcasm, teasing, attacking, and finger-pointing. You're guaranteed to create separation and accentuate differences. I call this "you-ing" because instead of talking about ourselves, we divert attention and put the focus on others with put downs or making them wrong.

 2. The Second Rule is to stay specific and concrete. That's what we do with everything from music to architecture to computers; and what we must do when communicating. When we stay concrete, others can understand what we're saying - the topic, the request, the reasons. It brings peace.

The Second Violation is over-generalizing. This can take the form of sweeping conclusions, abstractions, and labeling. Using words like "always" and "never", or bringing in other topics barely related to the subject at hand all fall into this category. This is confusing at best, as we don't know what's being said. It fuels fear.

4. The Fourth Rule is simply to listen. That means seeking to truly understand what someone is saying, and encouraging their speech. Almost no one feels listened to enough! Listening is a practice that brings closeness. The next section of this newsletter will elaborate on this essential skill.

"Of course I'm listening. I'm just in a heightened state of alert."

The best way to show you're listening is to close your mouth, shut out background noise, and give the other person undivided attention. Full attention when someone else is speaking also means you're not already gearing up for an opportunity to counter with your own opinions or solutions.

You may think you're demonstrating empathy when you interrupt another person's story to chime in about your own experience. But you may be surprised to find the other person doesn't really care about a "bigger fish" story; they just wore their heart on their sleeve and you're trying to one up them! Communication has turned into competition.

Hey Jude!

   

I'm into listening but sometimes my partner just goes off and tells me about all my shortcomings. It's not helpful. Do I really need to listen?

 

When someone has unexpressed anger, they default back to "you-ing" instead of sharing about him or herself. When "YOU-ED", matador it. Don't defend, argue, placate, explain, or offer your rational. Stay silent. Like a matador, let the BULL go by, remembering: "They are out of their territory and you-ing me. Don't take it personally." If they persist, try the line and lovingly say, "You may be right," then change the topic. I f those strategies fail, politely remove yourself.