I realize you haven't heard from me in a while. I've been a little busy the last few decades, but I find myself desperately in need of some Santa help this year. I'm confident I made the Nice List, but in the off chance that I did slip once or twice, surely I can get a rollover from those years before becoming a parent. I'd like to take advantage of that Christmas gift backlog this year if it's alright with you.
Attached in this email, you will find letters from my children with their Christmas wishes. Please disregard any requests for gifts that include sweets or toys that make loud noises. My children need no help in that department.
Also, I'd really like an extra hour added to every day, somewhere between 8:30 pm and midnight - you know, after kids are in bed. Also, if you could inspire Darling Husband to dole out back rubs and/or foot massages during that hour, I have no doubt I could unequivocally make the Nice list next year.
If you wouldn't mind spreading some Christmas magic around a few weeks early, I could really use a miraculous and instantaneous tolerance in my kids' systems to the outrageous amount of sugar they will be given at the Christmas parties they will attend. I could really do with a sugar-rush-free holiday.
While I have you handing out early presents, how about a house elf to clean rooms and children for company, put up and decorate the tree, shop for kids' Christmas gifts without said dearies ruining any chance at surprises, put the tree back up after children and/or pets knock it over, and make a feast for 14? You must have a couple extra elves you could spare for the job. And can I schedule them to return periodically through the year to do some babysitting? I hear elves are great with kids. Of course, if it's too much hassle hitching up the sleigh every time, I can always send the kids to them for a few days.
Can we find a way to rework the vacation and sick-day policies on my Mom contract? Come to think of it, I never did get that contract in writing. I'd like to renegotiate for at least 2 sick days and one week of child-free vacation a year.
If you're too busy or unable to handle any of these requests, I will understand, of course, as long as this last and most important Christmas wish is granted. That is to see the pure joy and innocent wonder on my children's faces as we gather as a family around the tree on Christmas morning. Nothing could compare to the gift of that moment....although if you could throw in a trip for one to Aruba after all of this holiday madness settles down, that would be great too.
A Frazzled Mom
Sent from my iPhone while simultaneously making dinner, breaking up fights, and checking homework.