Just Call Her Councilwoman Zine

 

Dennis Zine 1
Photo Credit: L.A. Political Roast 

Citing a lack of women among his colleagues, L.A. City Councilman Dennis Zine has announced plans to undergo a sex change procedure. "The ADA political roasts have given me a chance to experiment with ladies' fashion, and it turns out I'm more comfortable being Denise than Dennis," said the former LAPD traffic officer. "Plus, being a woman helps me court female voters if I decide to run for Controller in 2013." 


L.A. Dead Sweep Launches


Encouraged by their success in L.A. City Councilman Bernard Parks' 2011 reelection campaign, the estates of several prominent deceased Angelenos have formed a political action committee with plans to endorse more candidates from the grave. Spokesperson Vincent Price would not disclose names of who is involved but inside sources suggest that former Councilmember Nate Holden came up with the idea after consulting with a former mayor.

Austin Beutner Hires Transition Team

 

Although he has not yet been elected mayor, Deputy Mayor Austin Beutner has already selected his transition team. "I don't like the political games going on here at City Hall, so it makes more sense to me just to become mayor once Mr. Villaraigosa's term is over," said Beutner.


Justin Bieber Credits Wendy Greuel for Unique Hair Style

 

Wendy Greuel 2

In a recent Rolling Stone interview, teen pop sensation credited City Controller Wendy Greuel for inspiring his trendsetting hairdo. "I've been following her career a long time," said the 16-year old Canadian. "I like the way she handles audits, and my agent's potholes were always repaired when she was on the City Council."

Koretz Calls for Ban on Political Bullets

 

Citing a rise in political bullets, L.A. City Councilman Paul Koretz has called for a citywide ban on the hurtful ammunition used by many campaign consultants. "Let's be honest-bullets of any kind are wrong whether they're silver bullets or political bullets," said Koretz. "My ban calls for no more political bullets in city limits, and I urge state lawmakers to require political bullets to have serial numbers engraved on them using machines that were not manufactured in Arizona or by declawed pets wearing fur coats." 


The City Maven Changes Name to "La Maven Del Pueblo Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

 

The new census numbers are in.  One in 6 Americans is reported to now be of Hispanic origin as well as representing 37% of the California population.  In response to changing demographics and the looking to expand her audience,  Alice Walton announced the new title for her popular City Hall website.  


April Fool's Day Issue
Denise Zine Announces
L.A. Dead Sweep Launches
Beutner Transitions
Bieber Endorses Greuel
Koretz Bans Political Bullets
City Maven Changes Name
CRP Does It Again
A Nuch First
LaBonge Pumpkin Bread Politics Draws Attention
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CA GOP Delegates Vote to Become Irrelevant

 

GOP Knockout 1

Disappointed that 30 percent of all registered voters in the Golden State are still Republicans, state party delegates voted last week to become even less of a deciding factor. "We may not win another election in this state, but we must stay true to the values held by the Founding Fathers: only straight, male property owners should have the right to vote," said one party official who spoke off the record while on the way to a "Draft John Ensign for President" meeting.

City Attorney Goes Entire Week Without Pissing Off City Council 

 

For the first time since last year's summer recess, L.A. City Attorney Carmen Trutanich went an entire week without offending, upsetting or turning off a single councilmember with threats of prosecution, jail or rubdowns from volunteer city attorneys. "I wonder what has gotten into him," said one city councilmember. "Maybe the excitement about HempCon has distracted Nuch."


OTP Top 10 Names for the New L.A. NFL Team

 

10. White Ford Broncos 

9. Lawyers 

8. Divorcees 

7.L.A. Carpetbaggers of Anaheim 

6. Sheens 

5. Smog

4. Low Riders 

3. Paparazzi

2. Botox Avengers 

1.  Chapter XIs 

 

FPPC Weighs Decision on LaBonge Pumpkin Bread Politics; Padilla Calls for Tax      

As the CA Fair Political Practices Commission weighs whether L.A. City Councilman Tom LaBonge should be distributing pumpkin bread during City elections (and the County decides whether he should use a hairnet and gloves ), state Senator Alex Padilla called for a new tax on the savory delights to complement his legislation on taxing soda and sugary products.  "We can help solve the budget crisis and reduce obesity in one fell swoop."  

Disclaimer

 

This April Fool's Day version of the newsletter is brought to you by the creative minds @ Off the Press Radio Show on L.A. Talk Radio.  Please note that no egos or political ambitions were harmed in the creation and production.  Advance non-apologies if anyone is offended.  Your regular OTP newsletter arrives on Monday. - Management