The Dating and Relationship Group: 
Women Who Kill Their Men with Kindness: The Erotic Necessity of Challenge 
In recent group meetings we have been discussing the concept of the "Erotic Hinge," which is a framework for understanding the roles and dynamics of partners in heterosexual relationships that increase the possibility of long-term relationship success and fulfillment.  A common problem among women who deviate from their "hinge" placement involves the intrusion of maternal instincts into their erotic connection with their partners.  

In the next meeting of the Dating and Relationship Group on Saturday, October 1, 2016, 12:00 to 1:15 PM, I will focus on how "kindness" on the part of the woman toward her male partner may actually "kill him," i.e., not literally of course but figuratively in the sense that gestures and attitudes of kindness unconsciously activate in many men relational processes associated with the men's maternal figures.  This, of course, is quite problematic!   Instead, women need to learn how to appropriately challenge their partners, not in a confrontational or argumentative way but in a manner that establishes in his mind the presence of a female identity who does not prioritize his narcissistic needs.  This material is also very important for men to learn about as men often bypass women who are instinctually good challengers and, as such, would likely make great romantic partners. 

The Men's Group:
Daniel Siegel and Mindsight 
Originally published in 2009, Daniel  Siegel's book "Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation" has received critical acclaim and enjoyed popular success.   In the next meeting of the Men's Group on Saturday, October 1, 2016, 10:45 AM to 12:00 PM noon, we will explore Siegel's ideas and his central concept, "mindsight."  To prepare for this upcoming meeting, you may want to review the following resources: a podcast interview with Siegel,   an exploration of mindisght, an article that discusses the practical application of mindsight to actual life issues, and, finally, a critical review of Siegel's principles and schematics. 

Parenting in the 21st Century: An Educational Support Group for Parents:  The Characteristics of Successful Parents: What the Scientific Evidence Indicates
Parents often parent their own children in the way they were formerly parented, or, alternatively, if their childhood experiences were aversive, they attempt to parent in ways that oppose how their parents parented them.  In short, lacking a universal parenting handbook, parents try their best and use their own family-of-origin experiences to navigate the complexities and challenges of raising their own children. 

Unfortunately, many parents are not aware of the evidence compiled by researchers over the last several decades that has identified the characteristics of successful parents. This body of work provides parents with a roadmap for understanding what competencies effective parents possess and implement in their relationships with their children.  In the next meeting of "Parenting in the 21st Century: An Educational Support Group for Parents" on Saturday, October 1, 2016, 9:30 to 10:45 AM,  I will describe what scientific research has discovered about successful parents, including their characteristics, qualities, and behavioral tendencies.  

To register for the October 1st meetings of the "Dating and Relationship Group," the "Men's Group, and/or "Parenting in the 21st Century: An Educational Support Group for Parents":   If you would like to attend any of these groups on Saturday, October 1, 2016, please RSVP ASAP to Dr. Tobin at 949-338-4388 or There is a limit of 14 attendees for each group and registrants will be accommodated on a first-come/first-serve basis.  The fee for each group is $25.00 and the location is The Water Garden Business Center, 23421 South Pointe Drive, Suite 130, Laguna Hills, CA, 92653.  Please note that these groups are educational in purpose, not therapeutic, and do not constitute psychotherapy or counseling.
James Tobin, Ph.D., PSY 22074 | 949-338-4388 |