Navigating Grief

"If you can't say something good about someone, sit right here by me."  
~embroidered chair pillow of Alice Roosevelt Longsworth  



May 5, 2016

 
 
 
The other day my personal Facebook feed had several shares of the same article about platitudes of grief. This is an often written topic because when we hurt what others say has a huge weight. Sometimes it is the most fabulous and enlightening thought ever, many times coming from a stranger or unlikely acquaintance, someone who has walked in the shoes of loss and more specifically the same type of loss such as the death of a child, or spouse, or parent cared for. This can be especially true for siblings, friends, pets, co-workers and other losses not so well recognized. As for platitudes --  those so-called universal truths that become trite or correct -- they are usually from the mouths of family and friends, as well as strangers, and leaves the griever in confusion and distracted from the real pain of the loss itself.

You already know them... I'm sorry for your loss. Heaven must have needed another angel. You are never given what you can't handle. You are so strong. It was God's will. My _____ died of that. Everything happens for a reason.You inspire me. It's a journey.

Whoa. Stop. Yes, I am the one who uses the journey metaphor! Every moment of this work and life of mine. I introduce Navigating Grief as crossing a bridge on your life journey. I didn't like or relate to this metaphor at all until I was required to walk the talk.

This is what caught me from that FB post that brings me here. The person who shared the link read the article and then in her comments apologized (in guilt?) for having wished someone well on her journey through grief, saying she did not know better at the time. What response by whom told her this added a burden to the griever? Is it that a journey demeans the reality of loss, or is it because it is indicative of movement? Is it the same as telling someone to move on? Wishing one well through the journey sounds great in my book! I wouldn't want them to stumble, right? I'll help you through the best way possible I might add. I know this person certainly would, too. Like all FB posts, one doesn't get the whole story, so I know nothing behind the statement.

Here's my viewpoint. No one can win this social and moral dilemma of what to say to someone in grief! My version of platitudes is that "Somebody will say something stupid!" I can't write the "say this, don't say this" list. Not even through my experience as a widow. I read them. I've posted them. I wish grief and empathy/sympathy were so easy! Give me the magic words.

The reason I skip the platitudes directly is because people are not trying to be thoughtless about your grief, it is because they "don't get it" having never experienced a devastating loss, or their filter for comfort is not yours, or this is what they have been taught as polite, or they are grieving too and trying to sooth their own wound. There are too many variables. "Stupid" works better for me than giving a list of platitudes, because what one says may comfort or offend from the filter of the receiver. Stupid indicates a lack of sense. I like to think this is a momentary lapse of judgment in the situation. In my real life story, two weeks after my husband died, a family member suggested that I can go on Match.com -- not really the loving statement of hope it was meant to be. Add the fact this person didn't offer an-in person acknowledgement of my husband's death ("I'm sorry") made me feel like his death was old news: after all, he had been terminally ill for a year. Fortunately, I considered the source and this person's long-standing ability to insert foot in mouth! I am still appalled today! After my wide-eyed, "Really?" and "Don't you think I should have the memorial first?" my great and appropriate response has been dumbfounded silence!

I identify ten Universal Influencers on this bridge through grief. The two most needing discovery are usually What Others Say and What You Tell Yourself about your loss! Whether you are personally offended to what is offered as soothing or encouraging words from another lies somewhere between both of these Influencers.

Using "I'm sorry for your loss" here's how our experiences for comforting another through grief might play out over time.

Them: I am going to say what is right. I've heard, don't say I understand, I can't possibly; say, I am sorry for your loss. "I am sorry for your loss"
Us: What are you sorry for? It's not your loved one. You have nothing to do with it. That's so trite. Don't you have anything sincere to say? "It's not your fault. You don't have to be sorry." OR "Thank you." (End of subject; that means nothing to me.)

Next experience... Them: No, wait. Last time I was told I can't be sorry. Don't say I'm sorry. I'm supposed to just listen. Right?     "     . "
Us: Why doesn't she acknowledge my loss? Does she know my loved one died? Do I have to bring it up? If I bring it up, then I make her uncomfortable. I guess I can't talk about it any more. I must be grieving too long. Why do I have to comfort them? What's wrong with you? Why can't you mention my loved one, or say something about it?   "     . " OR, Spew of anger and hurt.

Them: She doesn't seem to want to talk, or cries if I bring it up. I don't want to make her cry. I'll just ask how she is and if I can do something. "How are you? How are you, now? How are you, now? Call me if..."
Us: If I have to ask then I don't want the help. If I want the help I need to ask? I'm the one in pain. It's easier to go this alone. Why can't they see what I need? It's so obvious.   "I'm fine."

Them: I thought I was listening. Maybe I should just avoid the situation all together. She doesn't need me. She must be doing OK. "I am so inspired by your strength through this."
Us: Where did my friends go? How come they avoid me? I must be pitiful in my grief. They just don't get it. I am alone. I'll never get over this. I didn't ask for this. I am not strong. I don't want to be strong. "Like I have a choice..."
 
What Others Say and What We Tell Ourselves are open to interpretation based on the viewpoint of giver and receiver. Mot of us don't do "death" so well. Discussion is limited, feared, and compartmentalized. In moments of shock, numbness, surprise, sadness, and fear, whether seeking or providing support, we fall back on what we've been taught for our own comfort. Faith and religion may dictate how we feel and speak (God's will supersedes your pain, sit in His comfort; or if you don't believe...then what?). Our feelings are left inside and unexpressed (If I can't say it right then I won't say anything at all; no one can possibly relate to this feeling.). Our mind plays games of protection and coping (How do I fix it? I'll just be here safe in my hole, alone; It's my grief, my way, after all.).

For one person, "I'm sorry" may be enough so you know someone cares, even without more words. To another "I'm sorry" is superficial and can't come close to a show of empathy for the hurt. We can't always be sure which scenario is "the right one" for us or them. However, looking underneath to the intention, the heart of the connection to and from them to us and us to them can be the path to what we long for in grief, a trusted and sincere moment to sit together in the loss and the memories.

If we understand that someone one is going to say something stupid, then perhaps we can allow it to pass by. It isn't personal is it? If it is, then you know something more about the speaker. If you accept a stupid or unknowing statement as personal, then you learn something about yourself. The irony of a significant loss is that what we didn't know before the loss becomes clear. I other words, we don't know what we don't know about the pain of death and separation, until death and separation. Until now.

In all my groups over the years, this comes up. We just didn't and couldn't know before... All heads nod in agreement. A little acknowledgement of having said stupid things finds admission. We never want someone else to have this experience and, at the same time, we want to be comforted by people who may simply not know the depths of loss. For specific platitudes, no one can really say which will comfort and which will offend. Universally, maybe, but individually all words must be spoken and received in context, and one hopes, with compassion and intentional love.

The ability of so-called strangers to "get it" is powerful, because they too have now joined "the club." Compassion and listening is powerful healing. Compassion comes from the examination for the feelings of deep loss and sorrow. These are steps on the journey across the bridge pf grief. Just as you are changed, what you tell others now is changed, and what you tell yourself must change. This is why one, usually a former griever, writes lists of what to say and what not to say in order to spare another added pain. But we can't.

Perhaps, though, we change the world when we learn through and remember our losses one loving message of comfort at a time.

~ Peace, 
 





   
5 Minute Coach's Corner: Who Said?
Simple questions and metaphors to shine a light on "Who are you now?" after loss.

In grief, our pain is all about us - normal, necessary, and OK! When we long for understanding and compassion it sometimes just doesn't show up from the people we want to comfort us. With a little objective perspective, we can discover what we really need to help heal the loss and open our heart once again.

Have you been offended?
  • Was it something they said, or something you told yourself about what was said?
  • Which part of the statement said aloud, or implied thought, is true or not true?
  • What expectation did you have that was not met?
  • In the scheme of your pain of loss, how important is this moment?
  • If something seemingly small bothers you, get underneath the what was said for how it makes you feel. What really hurts in this misunderstood connection?
  • If the circumstances touches a big question about your life and how to go forward, what does support look like for you?
You are invited to now change what you can tell yourself based on your understanding of the feelings and personal truth under the words.This could be a "let go" moment, particularly if it is them and not you. Allow yourself to return to the heart of grief for the one you miss, the person you have known to be the best comfort of all.
Locally Speaking...

START. HERE. NOW. Insightful educational discussion about your grief. Two hours can effectively help you through now.  
 
 
Now offered in group presentation on the second Saturday in Olympia WA. Next program May 14. Click here to learn more and sign up. All loss types no matter how long ago. Your journey of healing starts here. Also available in private session or distance video call.


Joan Hitchens Navigating Grief
If your grief stops you from living the life you deserve and desire, if the little things become big and you find yourself in the thinking over and over loop, I can coach you through. Most is a temporary and normal distraction for coping with your changes and finding out who you are now after loss.

I welcome you comments and questions via email or call 360.534.0203.

Joan Hitchens, Life Energy Coach, Navigating Grief 
 
Navigating Grief
Discover * Create * Share
Olympia, Washington 
360.534.0203