Recently, I've noticed a new fad. It's called the "Sibling Gift." In the past, when a family has welcomed a new baby, I've seen friends bring not only a gift for the baby but also for the sibling(s). I admit I've been guilty because we don't want the new sibling to feel unloved or forgotten. But, I'm now seeing this being done at birthday parties as well. You're invited to a party and not only do you bring a gift for the birthday child but also one for the child's brother or sister, too.
I was very surprised when I saw this, and it made me stop and think. I decided I did not want my children to receive sibling gifts. Let me explain why.
I once overheard someone in a store say, "Well, if we are buying him one, we better get one for his brother or he'll be mad. You remember last time." The voice sounded tired and annoyed. Giving gifts is something we should do out of love, not to prevent jealousy or to be "fair." The Bible tells us to be cheerful givers, and that is what we should be modeling and teaching our children.
When we were expecting our first child, my husband and I attended parenting classes. One night the lesson was teaching your children to be joyful in seeing others succeed in life or receive gifts. The lesson explained that we need to train our kids not to indulge in feelings of jealousy. Jealousy can steal the joy of others and our own peace as well. My eyes were really opened because at the young age of almost twenty I was still a very jealous person. I knew I wanted my kids to be better than I was, and I didn't want them to struggle with jealousy.
So when my children were little, I worked hard to put these lessons into action. During my daughter's first Christmas, she was in awe of all the lights, pretty paper, the Christmas tree, and just everything. I sat her in my lap as her dad opened his gift. I whispered to her what was going on and filled my voice with excitement. When he opened the gift I clapped loudly and cheered. She giggled and copied me. Once he pulled the gift out of the box I gasped in awe and said to her, "Wow! Look at what Daddy got! Isn't it pretty? Daddy must be happy." Of course she didn't understand me, but she sat and copied me by oohing, smiling, and clapping. I made a point to do this every time we saw someone open gifts.
I went on to share and teach the same excitement in picking out gifts for others as my children grew. I'd encourage them to think about what to buy someone for their birthday or Christmas. I'd tell them, "Just wait until they see this! Won't they be excited?"
As the years went by I saw my kids show excitement when people received gifts. My kids would jump for joy like they were the one getting the present when someone else got one. I was in awe to see it was genuine joy, not forced because they knew I expected it.
I've also seen my children try to share this joy with their younger cousins. Once when my mother-in-law was opening a gift, and I saw my son encourage his youngest cousin to get excited as she opened it. He told her, "Look, Mimi is going to be so happy when she sees this!" I was touched.
Of course, children--especially young ones--will feel jealous at times. It is natural. I have heard my own kids say, "I wish it was my birthday" as they watched another child open gifts or blow out candles. I would tell my kids that today is a day to celebrate the birthday child and to show them that we are so happy they were born. I would also remind them that we would celebrate their birthday when it was time. If I noticed signs of jealousy while watching a cousin open gifts, I would quietly whisper something such as, "Remember how little he was when he was born and we went to see him at the hospital? Look how big he is now. Isn't that exciting?"
Sometimes you may want to prepare your child for an event where he won't be receiving a gift. Let him know that you are going to a party and there will be a lot of excitement. Tell him that he will see his friend opening gifts. Explain how you expect your child to behave and remind him he too is loved. Also take time to get your child excited about the one who is being celebrated. Remind him of the purpose of the gift and if needed remind him he too will have a day of his own to celebrate soon.
It's sometimes hard to be a cheerful giver, or non-receiver, but it is our job to teach our children to be just that. Be a good example and you will see your children cheerfully learn replace jealousy with joy.
