logo

How do you talk to kids after a School Shooting?

bus 

November 2012

    

 Community Crisis Recovery Guide-

Strategies to rebuild you and your kids after a tragedy

 

By Dwight Bain

 

A community crisis, (like a school shooting), can terrorize an entire community in just a few minutes, while the recovery process to rebuild from a major critical incident may take weeks or months to sort through. The more you know about how to survive and rebuild after the crisis, the faster you can take positive action to get your personal and professional life back on track. Since community crisis events like extreme acts of violence, school shootings or terrorism are unpredictable it requires a different course of action from natural disasters like hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, fires and floods. What can you do right now to cope with the psychological impact of a major community crisis?


 
Dealing directly with your emotions will reduce the tension and stress on you, which allows you to have more energy to deal with a difficult situation. However, if you stuff your fears and frustrations in a major community crisis, your emotions can quickly blow up without warning. Exploding in rage on your children, your coworkers or your marriage partner will only make a difficult situation worse. Community crisis events are a terrible situation full of loss and difficulty for everyone. By taking action now you can move beyond feeling overwhelmed by intense stress, anger or confusion. As you follow the insight from this recovery guide, you will be taking positive steps to rebuild with the focused energy of an even stronger life for you and your family after the emergency service workers pack up and go home because your community has recovered.
 girl crying 
To best survive a major community crisis, you need a strong combination of three key elements

- healthy coping skills

- healthy supports and a

- healthy perspective

 

While things will never be the same as they were before the community crisis, (like a mass shooting); the following guidelines will give you the key elements needed to get past the overwhelming stress and to find even greater strength on the other side.

 

- What are the dangerous warning signs of stress overload?


A major community crisis affects everyone however; it becomes dangerous to our health when the stress goes on for an extended period of time. Major stress can affect adults, children, the elderly and even pets, so it is important to be alert to watch for the danger signs of the psychological condition called, 'Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder', (commonly referred to as PTSD), in yourself, your family members and coworkers. These symptoms include any dramatic change in emotions, behavior, thought patterns or physical symptoms over the next few days, weeks or even months. Since community crisis events are a terribly stressful time for everyone and often remain stressful for days or weeks to come, there are a number of factors to be aware of to keep yourself and those who you care about safe.  

 

Dangerous Stress Warning Signs-
 

These signs are indicators that the intense stress from the critical incident is beginning to overwhelm the individual. The longer the stress symptoms occur-the greater the severity of the traumatic event on the individual. This does not imply craziness or personal weakness; rather, it simply indicates that the stress levels from the storm were too powerful for the person to manage and their body is reacting to the abnormal situation of having survived a major trauma.

It's normal to feel completely overwhelmed by a community crisis like a mass shooting or natural disaster; however there are danger signs to watch for in yourself or others that may indicate psychological trauma. Adults or children who display any of the following stress symptoms may need additional help dealing with the events of this crisis. It is strongly recommended that you seek the appropriate medical or psychological assistance if you see a lot of the physical, emotional, cognitive or behavioral symptoms listed below in you, your coworkers, or someone in your family or home, especially if these symptoms weren't present before the crisis.

 

Physical Symptoms:
 
Chills, thirst, fatigue, nausea, fainting, vomiting, dizziness, weakness, chest pain, headaches, elevated blood pressure, rapid heart rate, muscle tremors, difficulty breathing, shock symptoms, and so on.

 

Emotional Symptoms:
 
Fear, guilt, grief, panic, denial, anxiety, irritability, depression, apprehension, emotional shock, and feeling overwhelmed, loss of emotional control, and so on.

 

Cognitive Symptoms:
 
Confusion, nightmares, uncertainty, hyper-vigilance, suspiciousness, intrusive images, poor problem solving, poor abstract thinking, poor attention/memory and concentration, disorientation of time, places or people, difficulty identifying objects or people, heightened or lowered alertness, and so on.

 

Behavioral Symptoms:
 
Withdrawal, antisocial acts, inability to rest, intensified pacing, erratic movements, changes in social activity, changes in speech patterns, loss of or increase of appetite, increased alcohol consumption, and so on.

 

If you are in doubt about these symptoms in your life, or someone you care about, it is wise to seek the care of a physician or certified mental health professional. Better to actively deal with the stressful emotions directly to help yourself and your loved ones to immediately cope with this crisis because these emotions tend to worsen and get more intense if left untreated. Remember that there are many experienced professionals who can help you and your children recover during a time of crisis. You do not have to go through this alone.


Take action now to prevent stress from continuing to overwhelm you or the people you care about. Call a trusted friend to talk through it, reach out to clergy, or call your family doctor or counselor. If you don't know someone to call about these emotional issues, you can reach out for assistance by calling telephone hotlines which are offered at no cost to you. These numbers are often posted by local media, hospitals, the American Red Cross, the Salvation Army or FEMA. If you, or someone you care about are feeling overwhelmed by stress, anxiety, guilt or grief it's important to make the call for assistance now to learn how to get past the pressure to begin to feel 'okay' again.

 

- How does a community crisis event affect kids? 

 
It depends on the age of the child. The younger the child, the more they look to their parents for emotional security and strength. If a Mom or Dad are "shell-shocked" or "numb" and not able to manage their own emotions or responsibilities; the child will feel that pressure and become very confused and further stressed. Remember, it's normal to be overwhelmed by a community crisis like a mass shooting. This is why it's so important to take care of yourself in order to take care of your children and those your care about through the long period of recovery and rebuilding after the crisis.

 

woman anxiousThink about the advice given on commercial airliners to parents traveling with small children. "Should there be an unexpected cabin de-pressurization; oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Place the mask over your nose and mouth like this and then place the mask over the mouth and nose of those around you needing assistance." Take care of your own emotional needs first, and then you will be in a stronger position to help those around you. If you feel overwhelmed in giving your children or others who may depend on you for support, please ask for help. It's okay to be tired, worn out and overly stressed. That's normal after a community crisis.  
 

  

However, it's not okay to ignore caring for the needs of those counting on you like children, the elderly or pets. Sometimes a parent may need to make adjustments at work or change their own schedules for a while by delegating some tasks in order to have time and energy to help their children avoid feeling more pressure from the difficult experience that surviving a major disaster brings. If you feel that your caregiver 'tank' is empty, let someone else help you for a while until you get your strength back. That's best for you and for those that you care about.


When you can focus and dedicate attention to understanding the needs of young children, notice what they are saying, drawing or doing to determine if they are still feeling overly stressed from the traumatic event.

   

School age kids

need to talk, draw pictures or take positive action, (like having a lemonade stand to raise money for kids just like them who may have lost loved ones or family members because of the traumatic event), so if you give them something to do to help, they can take positive action and sort through their emotions immediately.

 

High school age kids

may try to act "cool" about everything, but often are more scared about the changes, losses and confusion than any other group. They are older and may need to experience a bit more "reality" at times to loosen up their ability to talk about what is happening around them. If they are willing to talk to their siblings, other family members, clergy or counselors it often doesn't take very long before they can grow strong enough to deal with their emotions and get back to feeling like themselves again.


The greatest danger sign to be alert and aware of is by noticing any dramatic changes in behavior. If a child was always happy go lucky before the crisis event and now sits all day to watch video footage of the shooting, or other world disasters on the news channels- then you may want to figure out why they made such a dramatic shift in personality. Watch for other major changes in sleep patterns, school patterns, school performance, peer relations and so on. If you see major changes that concern you, it's time to seek professional attention for the child with their pediatrician or with a child behavioral specialist

 

 

  

- What are some ways to help our kids talk about the crisis?

 
You can reach out to children in many ways to help them deal with this stressful time. Talking, writing, drawing, or writing poetry about the experience with the disaster will make the time pass more quickly, and may even lighten someone else's load of emotional pain and difficulty while helping you back through the process. Talking about any crisis event in life can help kids learn the basics of moving from the panic of basic survival to building strengths through problem solving.

 

- Are there any "hidden dangers" in media that parents should be concerned about that might make the crisis worse?


Too much media exposure is dangerous for kids. It is better to get a media "news update" once or perhaps at the most, twice a day to avoid the danger of media over-exposure. Leaving the news on all the time will depress the mood of the person who hears it; since deep down inside we learn to go "numb" to the normal emotions of the stressful event, to press on and burn reserve energy in the process. If your child didn't watch the morning news programs before the community crisis, be cautious about allowing them to watch TV news alone or having long blocks of unaccounted time with too much isolation. Best is to sort through media outlets-like television, Internet, radio or newspapers, which may contain content that is overly stressful or just too depressing for a child. Then set boundaries to protect them from additional stress in media stories, since it is important to protect their home and minds by managing the media around them.

 

It's wise to move from negatives to positives in highly charged and difficult situations like a mass shooting or wide spread community disaster. We have all seen enough negative images to last a lifetime and yet the media will often play scenes from a disaster over again and again. kids watch tvAlso, parents and kids can sit down and discuss why they really need to have so many media and entertainment services available in their homes. Many families found that not having the Internet, cable television and loud music playing in their homes while staying in a shelter allowed them to reconnect as a family with much greater communication. By sitting down and discussing these issues your home can be a more positive place, by creating more positive energy to mange the stress of recovering from this crisis situation.

 

Since watching other people's problems in other parts of the country will cause more stress in an already stressful situation it's better to focus on your responsibilities today, right here in your own community. When things in your life are strong again, you and your family won't be as affected by the images of crisis from other places. But that's another day, so for now as you recover, it's better to focus on getting you and your kids though the day that you have been handed without making it harder because of the hidden stress of media overexposure.

Also, the same principles apply for the aged as for anyone else. Seniors often can spend a tremendous amount of time in front of negative media images which can be harmful to their well being. Better to get involved in helping others, praying for those affected or donating to help as you can than to become overwhelmed with the stressors of others by becoming desensitized from media over-exposure.

 

- How can I help my family get back to "normal" after a community disaster?

 

It may take weeks or months for people to feel that things are back to "normal." The actual psychological impact of the storm will vary widely between people based on factors like- age, their previous experiences with crisis events and most significantly how much stress they already had in their life before the disaster. The more stress someone had in their life prior to the traumatic event, the longer it takes to recover.

 

Here are some immediate ways to bring order and calmness back into your life after the chaos and confusion that follows a natural disaster or community crisis like a mass shooting.

 

1) Reconnect in relationships -

 

You can't get through a crisis alone. Since we all were impacted differently, it is vitally important to talk about the stress and pressures you have experienced with the people closest to you. Reach out to friends and family as soon as possible, and call people you haven't heard from in a while. Just checking in to see if they are okay will only take a few minutes, but it will empower and help both of you. Simply talk about what each of you experienced through the crisis and how you got through it. Tremendous connection can occur through crisis, so this is an especially good time to reach out to friends or family who may have drifted away from your closest circle of relationships. Take action now to reach out to people with words of encouragement and support, but don't wait for someone else to call you- since their phone may not work! Go find them and then reconnect the relationship while helping each other rebuild.

 

2) Rebuild your routines-

 

This is one of the most important factors to quickly get life back on track because we all draw strength and security from a structured daily routine. Bed time, dinner time, getting up to go to school, or work, or church or the gym to work out. To regain strength quickly identify what your normal routines were before the crisis-and then get back to them as soon as possible. Even if you are staying in a hotel, shelter or with family members for a while, stick with the rituals that you have typically followed that make up your daily lifestyle. This way you will feel the comfort of your stable and predictable routines, regardless of the stress of the many changes happening around you.

 

3) Reach out for faith-

 

In times of crisis everyone believes in the power of prayer and the importance of their faith. There is tremendous strength in knowing what you believe and living in harmony with those beliefs and values. Plugging back into your faith after a community crisis will allow you to release anxiety over the things that you know are too big for you, because you can trust God to handle them. Dedicate a few minutes or perhaps even an hour per day to quiet mediation and reflection on what matters most if you want to continue to grow strong in spite of the crisis.

This is especially important when you or your children may feel lost, alone or afraid. God cares and taking time to pray and release those burdens will help you make it through the rest of your day. Many churches and houses of faith have chaplains, recovery teams, support services and even financial assistance available to help their members cope with the crisis. Helping others in need is one of the greatest ways people of faith model what they believe, so avoid the tendency of being "too nice" to ask for help if you need it. Having a committed personal faith combined with the connection of a local house of worship will give you a tremendous sense of community to get through this crisis as well as the ones to come.

 

4) Retell your story-

 

Young and old alike will benefit from hearing about how other people survived the trauma they experienced. There is tremendous power in telling your story; healing power for you and helpful power for others who will gain insight and strength by hearing how creative people can become through the crisis. As you speak up about what happened, it will make it easier for other family members or coworkers to talk about their feelings of loss as well. Things will never be the same as before, but life will go on and we can rebuild and get through it better together. Telling your story now will give you additional strength as well as connect you to the neighbors and friends as they share their story with you.

 

No matter what the size of crisis event, you can find strength on the other side. Following the action steps in this resource guide will allow you to begin building strength back into your personal and professional life no matter how big the crisis event was. As you grow stronger you can tell others, which will encourage them to press on as they rebuild their lives, right next to yours. Stronger people create stronger communities and that is the journey you have already begun. I encourage you to stay with it as you build an even stronger life after the crisis, and then reach out to others in rebuilding your community.

 

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article.

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Read more Crisis Recovery resources at his website www.LifeworksGroup.org

Socially Connected & Feeling Lonely

  

By: Brian M Murray, MS, IMH
 


"It sometimes takes a state of solitude to bring to mind the real power of companionship." 
- Stephen Richards...

A woman is married for 18 years has 3 children, active at her church and involved with a women's small group two times a month. She goes home, sits in front of the computer and logs onto a social network. Looking around she notices all of the things that other people are doing in their lives and starts to think about her own. Everyone looks happy, enjoying time with their families and friends and yet, deep down inside of her she knows the truth about her loneliness. Even though she is socially involved with others she has a lost empty feeling inside like something is missing. She realizes one day that in spite of all of her efforts to stay busy she realizes that she is really a very lonely person.

This story is too often a common scenario. So how can a person be socially plugged in and still feel lonely? Feeling lonely is not about how many friends or contacts a person has but it's about the quality of those connections. With 3 children and a husband how can anyone have time to be lonely? It is possible and it happens. For starters getting plugged into a social network may be a good way to stay in contact with friends and family but is hardly a source of real connection. Furthermore, social networks offer a lonely and bored person an avenue to compare and contrast their lives to others. When a person begins to look at their life and feels like there must be something more, feeling empty and alone then it sets up the perception that they are all alone.

The Common Experience of Loneliness 

  

  

By: Laura Hull
 

In a world that holds over seven billion people, it seems counterintuitive that anyone should be lonely or experience loneliness. Yet, loneliness is a common thread in the human experience. Regardless of gender, race, age, economic status, personality types or any type of category that separates us into groups, everyone experiences loneliness at some time.
Explaining why we experience loneliness is not something that can be summed up in a series of sentences or even a series of discussions due to the individual and unique nature of the experience. Life choices can be made which can isolate us from meaningful contact with individuals who fill an emotional need in our lives. Still others can be in the middle of a crowd of 100,000 people, and feel it's the loneliest place on earth, not understanding why the feeling of loneliness is present.

 

We need people in our lives. Period. To be emotionally healthy, we need healthy, meaningful relationships with others. We know this on a conscious level. It's not something to be found in a light bulb moment in the journey of discovering self. Yet, a sense of loneliness is a common symptom identified in issues that bring individuals to counseling. We know it when we feel it. Experiencing the death of a spouse or a best friend can result in a profound feeling of loneliness. Divorce or the loss of a longtime, close friend can leave a hole in our lives. A spouse who is feeling disconnected in the marriage may be feeling a different sense of loneliness. The parents in a new empty nest may feel a sense of loneliness and perhaps abandonment. An employee who is left out of the daily lunchroom break invites with co-workers may feel excluded, rejected and lonely.
 

 Continue. . .

♫♪ It's the Most Lonely Time of the Year ♫♪  

 

By: Christine Hammond, MS, IMH

 

 As if feeling lonely isn't bad enough by itself, add the Holidays to the mix and your loneliness becomes magnified. Excitement is in the air during this time with extra stuff crowded the isles at most stores in all kinds of bright and cheerful colors screaming "buy me". The aroma of scented candles and flavored coffee permeates the air while the music is loud and joyful with new versions of familiar lyrics. The traffic is busy at odd times during the day with more people on the road, in the airports, on the subway and at train stations. Lights flash, decorations hung, Santa hats appear, and the excess of delicious food and drink dominate the atmosphere.
 

But no one else seems to be lonely. One quick glance around you yields abundant laughter, smiles of delight on children's faces, and embr­­aces of greeting. Yet you find yourself feeling even more alienated, more alone, and more depressed as even acquaintances treat you more like Scrooge or the Grinch, a person to be avoided rather than included. And realistically, you don't even want to be included because then the expectation would be to put on a happy face and you just can't fake it anymore. So just how do you then survive the Holidays?
 
 

Continue. . .

 
 

Lost or Lonely? Here's Hope!

 

By Dwight Bain

 Do you remember the classic pop song that included the lyric - "Look at all the lonely people." I sure do, especially since it perfectly described how I felt during a dark time in high school. I felt completely lost and lonely... literally like no one cared. Those negative emotions didn't stop with loneliness... no, they kept sliding into more sadness and even pity. It was a deep hole, but thankfully my parents saw me sliding away and made an appointment for me to talk with my youth pastor, Dave Hurd.

Brother Dave, as I knew him, helped me see beyond my loneliness and almost 40 years later I'm still grateful. God used his life to challenge me to climb out of that dark place and now I want to share with you the insight he gave me so long ago. My hope is that this truth would help you and those you love to not spend one more day feeling lost and lonely. Picture being in a pastor's office to hear these words of wisdom that were life-changing for me.

First, realize that you are not a victim and you are not invisible. God designed you with a special purpose, even if you can't see it right now. Your life counts, never forget that. 
 

Continue. . .

Biblical Strategies to Let Go of Loneliness  

 

 

By Dwight Bain


 The Bible has a great deal to say about the subject of loneliness, which is one of the most common, and painful emotions that 1 in every 4 Americans experience. Here are a number of strategies to help you, or someone you care about. No matter how lonely you feel, never forget God loves you and when you reach out to Him you will never be alone.



1. Reach out to others
For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. Romans 14:7

2. Let go of disappointment
See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:15

3. Find other lonely people to connect with, since lonely people are everywhere
I constantly remember you in my prayers. Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy. 2 Timothy 1:3-4 

 

 

Continue. . .
Quick Links
Follow us on Twitter!

Follow us on Twitter
    

 

Introducing: Laura Hull, LMFT
 

Quick Links

Experts Comment on Loneliness:

"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"

 - Haruki Murakami

 

"The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared." - Lois Lowry

 

"The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved." 

- Mother Teresa


"Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power
and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,
for everything in heaven and earth is yours.
Yours, O LORD, is the kingdom;
you are exalted as head over all.

Wealth and honor come from you;
you are the ruler of all things.
In your hands are strength and power
to exalt and give strength to all.

Now, our God, we give you thanks,
and praise your glorious name."

- Chronicles 29:11-13

 
"Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving."

-W. T. Purkiser

 

"Thanksgiving Day is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest men; but be careful that you do not take the day, and leave out the gratitude."
-E. P. Powell
 

"Thanksgiving is nothing if not a glad and reverent lifting of the heart to God in honor and praise for His goodness."

 

"To give thanks in solitude is enough. Thanksgiving has wings and goes where it must go. Your prayer knows much more about it than you do."

-Victor Hugo

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have."
-Frederick Keonig
 
"You say, 'If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.' You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled."

-Charles Haddon Spurgeon 

 

Adding Value to Your Life

 

Tell a friend...

 

 

 

...or coworker about the benefits of receiving the helpful eNews from our team of counseling and coaching experts! There's no charge to join, so forward them a copy of this edition and encourage them to sign up by visiting our homepage at

www.Lifeworksgroup.org

 

It only takes a few seconds, but the solutions to solve stressful situations will save hours of frustration for those you care about. Thanks for helping us to spread the word that Lifeworks has answers and is dedicated to making life work better for you!

 

 

Complementary resources and special reports to save time and solve problems are available at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call our office in Winter Park at 407-647-7005 to confidentially speak with a Christian Counselor of Life Coach now.