Spring is here and more than plants are in bloom, so it brought to mind a question posed in a group therapy session in which I once participated. One of the members asked, "What are the dynamics of a successful relationship? I mean, what really needs to go on that would make two people stay together?"
Instead of answering, the wily psychotherapist turned the question back to the group and it became the topic of many thought-provoking sessions during which four major elements emerged as the most critical aspects necessary to keep a relationship both dynamic and ongoing.
Of course, there were many arguments over which of these four might be more or less important, but that variance seemed to depend on which was more or less difficult for each particular member.
What we, ultimately, decided was more critical was that, if any one of these four elements were missing, it would mean the relationship would not endure.
Here's what we came up with...
ACCEPTANCE. This was the first element on which everyone agreed. Unless each partner accepted the other with all their good, bad and, surprisingly, annoying aspects and habits, the relationship was bound to have an early demise. It seems there is a time limit on things like not capping the toothpaste tube.
RESPECT. This element went beyond the obvious values issue to understanding the "why" of mundane things like not capping that tube and both honoring some habits and being able to negotiate over others. It's never a one-way street.
CELEBRATION. While this seemed the easiest issue for me, I began to see how lacking it is, especially in relationships where both partners are in the same general professions ...business, the arts, healing practitioners. Though it is beyond me why each partner would not champion the activities and successes of the other, it seems that is very often not the case. Jealousy? Power?
I recall once visiting my daughter's Montessori class and being struck by the beautiful introduction a young girl made by saying, "My name is Alicia and I draw very well. This is Thomas and he sings very well." It should be obvious that we need to celebrate each other, especially when we're part of a team.
NO AGENDA. I saved this one for last because, for most of us, it seemed to be the obvious deal-breaker. We all have aspirations as to where we would like to live, whether or not we want to have a family, if and where we would like to travel, etc. However, in a relationship, we have to go back to ground zero. All major issues become, "What do we want to do?" And, unless the major issues are negotiated and agreed upon to the satisfaction of each, the ball game will be over before it even starts.
At the conclusion of one of our sessions, the therapist told the story of a young Japanese woman whose parents had arranged her marriage. "Can you believe that in this day and age, this still happens?" he asked.
One of the group retorted, "In America, we're far more evolved. Our parents' projections decide whom we marry." Of course, he meant we are victims of the whims and fantasies imposed on us as opposed to what we decide on our own.
Our planet has over 7 billion inhabitants. We are here to relate to others. And, these keys are applicable not only to couples, but to business arrangements, as well.
I wish you all success with developing successful relationships with these four keys and/or others you might devise in concert with your partners.
Let me know how it goes.
