I am sitting across two kind, caring, and hardworking parents who are concerned about their 16-year-old son's maturity, decision-making, effort in school, and most recently, his ability to pass his driver's test to get his license. Their strong-willed teenager refuses to practice for the test with the family car, and insists on taking the test in the larger, and much cooler, old family truck which he plans on driving once he gets his license. His dad explains all of the mechanical problems with the old truck and why he feels it will limit his chances of passing the test, and how upset his son will be if he doesn't pass. There have been several battles over this issue, as there have been in the past with homework, chores and commitment to his sports. His dad asks me, "So what should we do about the driver's test?" I said, "Let him use the truck." I will never forget the expression on dad's face when he responded, "And let him fail?" It was an expression of shock, disbelief and confusion.

 

I have known these parents for a long time. They are great parents and good people. What did I say? I had to check myself. Was I inappropriate, challenging, or provocative? I realized I was being provocative, but not because I was trying to, but because I was challenging a current parenting paradigm - we need to protect our children from failure and pain.