We don't fully recognize or claim our gifts for many reasons.  Intentional or unintentional neglect, the lack of healthy attachment, or an absence of empathic attunement in our early years results in primal wounding. Being the recipient of any form of covert or overt abuse at any time leads to deep fears, low self-worth, shame, guilt, alienation, and despair. It is, of course, very difficult to see and feel our intrinsic value if we have been harmed or unseen. In addition, there are many cultural influences - implicit and explicit messages from educational and religious institutions and from the media, for example - that contribute to our inability to claim our strengths and potentials. We've been presented with so many 'shoulds' - ideals and standards for how we should think, feel, look, behave. Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt Psychology, talked about the 'tyranny of the shoulds.' Many of us have not been encouraged to trust and celebrate our uniqueness, the authentic expressions of our hearts, bodies, minds. We had to stifle our greatness, our wildness, and our passion in order to fit in, gain love, and avoid disapproval.

One of the ways that we disown our gifts is through the defense mechanism of projection, in which we experience strong reactions when we see shadow aspects of ourselves expressed by others. It can be easier to see our unrecognized qualities in others than in ourselves. If you are projecting a positive part of yourself, you may envy or idealize someone who exhibits that quality. With positive projection there is a tendency to overvalue characteristics of others and undervalue the same traits in yourself. You may think, "They have it. I don't." Before I became confident about my teaching and lecturing abilities, I unconsciously placed teachers and speakers who excelled at their craft on pedestals. I looked up to them; they were superstars to me. I often felt diminished and insecure in their presence, and was awkward when I'd talk to them. They were brilliant figures - present, articulate, knowledgeable, and insightful. At that time I couldn't appreciate my own strengths as a teacher, even though I was receiving favorable feedback from others. As I grew in my self-esteem over the years, I noticed that I felt more and more equal to these instructors and presenters. I still admired their talents and had much to learn from them, but they were no longer larger than life in my eyes. I had taken back some of my projections.

How do we reclaim our gifts, take back the light and beauty we have projected onto others? 

Try this:

1. Write down the name of someone you strongly admire, perhaps idealize. This could be a public figure, friend, or family member.  
2. Choose the trait that you admire the most about this person.
3. Reflect on this quality and write about it. What does it mean to you? What has your relationship been to this quality at different times in your life? If you can, recall some occasions that you expressed this dimension of yourself. 
4. Ask yourself if you can recognize this as a seed potential in yourself and if it's important to you to bring it forward in your life. 
5. If, for example, your seed potential is compassion and you want to experience more compassion for others, write about how your life will be enhanced if you bring forth this aspect of yourself. If compassion was being expressed in your daily life, what would that look like? How would you feel? 
6. Create a small, realistic goal that will get you started. Perhaps you will volunteer to work with an under-served population. Or you may decide to meditate on compassion and use self-guided imagery to see and feel this quality flowering in yourself. You may want to journal about your process as you cultivate this quality. Remember - what you feed, grows!

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