MAIN QUOTE
You'll discover that real love is millions of miles past falling in love with anyone or anything. When you make that one effort to feel compassion instead of blame or self-blame, the heart opens again and continues opening ~ Sara Paddison
DR. LISA LOVE REFLECTIONS
Once upon a time a client of mine totally fell "in love" with a man who offered her much of what she wanted in life. As the relationship progressed she continued to be excited about the many connections and possibilities between them. But, all along something seemed a little off. "Do you think he is secretly married?" she had asked me. After all he would disappear for days and even weeks on end on mysterious travel trips. "Possibly," I told her, but as we explored it together we discover this was most likely not the case. "What could it be then?" she wondered. "Is it just what he says about liking to travel a lot and not being able to take me with him?" "Doubtful," I told her and at last we figured it out. He had a sexual addiction. My client was devasted and swung from being wildly "in love" to woefully "out of love" with this man. At least, that's what she believed. I believed it was something different.
You see, I have a strange bias that love requires 20-20 vision. And, only when we see people clearly for who they really are can we really learn to love them. Loving people in a real way isn't always easy. At times it can be very hard work. So, instead of nashing her teeth about "falling out of love" with her man, I encouraged her to discover how she could actually learn to love him. How does she do this? Well, not by going back into the darkness, denying his problems, and trying to overlook them so she can "work everything out." That's not love, that's ignorance motivated by fear of loss and rejection. It also doesn't help if she rages at him dumping all her hurt on him for having had her hopes and expectations for their relationship dashed to pieces. That can produce a temporary feel good, but it will end up making them both feel a lot worse.
What she can do then is open her heart, have compassion, and lovingly set up boundaries between them giving them space to sort things out. And, in that space she can take some time to use the power of love (which is the same in my opinion as consciousness) to wake up and learn. One of the first things she can learn is how an overwhelming number of sex addicts (as high as 80% or more) have been sexually abused and exploited as children. Plus, in our now overwhelmingly sexualized society, this percentage is growing and causing an epidemic of dsyfunction seriously hindering people's ability to expeirence truly loving relationship. For more information on this read this excellent article, Sex Addiction Has Devastating Effects.
As she wakes up and get education, my client can can then take one of two paths. First, she can let go of this man in love - in real love - feeling a depth of compassion for his plight and praying that some day he will find his way out. In doing so, she has surrounded him with love enabling that love at some level (even if only energetically) to reach him. Second, if he is willing to stick it out with her and if she feels she has the strength to continue she can enter into counseling with him, insist he enter a Sexual Addiction Recovery program and they can build upon their love together.
The point is real love when we practice it does take us a million miles further. It wakes us up. It helps us to become conscious. It heals us. And, most of all it turns us into increasingly loving individuals. We neither fall in love, or out of love. We grow in love. Let's grow in love - together.
