Closing the Gap Between Intent and Experience
Children will often say to me, "But that's not what I meant."
I usually believe them.
Most children aren't trying to hurt someone's feelings or start an argument. They're telling me what their intent was.
But then I ask them to think about something else.
"What do you think the other child's experience might have been?"
Those are two very different questions.
As social coaches, we spend a lot of time helping children close the gap between what they intended to communicate and what another person actually experienced.
Sometimes a child was trying to be funny, but their friend felt embarrassed.
Sometimes a child was trying to help, but another child felt criticized.
And sometimes the opposite happens. A child assumes someone was being mean when the other child simply chose the wrong words or didn't explain themselves very well.
Communication is a shared responsibility.
Sometimes we need to help the speaker clarify their message. Other times, we need to help the listener consider another possible interpretation. Often, both children learn something.
That's why I encourage children to slow the conversation down instead of rushing to decide who was right.
Together, we explore both perspectives.
"What were you hoping the other person would understand?"
"What do you think they actually understood?"
Those two questions often uncover the misunderstanding much faster than arguing about who was right or wrong.
Coaching Tip: The next time your child tells you about a disagreement with a friend, try exploring both sides of the conversation.
Ask:
β’ What were you trying to communicate?
β’ What do you think your friend experienced?
Helping children consider both their own intent and another person's experience builds empathy, perspective-taking, and stronger communication. It also teaches an important lesson: when a conversation goes wrong, the goal isn't to winβit's to understand each other a little better.
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