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It's Not Your Turn to Be Happy
I know. It sounds terrible.
But it's one of my favorite social coaching phrases.
I use it when a child is upset because someone else got something they wanted.
Maybe another child gets to choose the game.
Maybe someone else gets the first turn.
Maybe a friend gets the blue marker, the special seat, or the teacher's attention.
Almost immediately, I hear the groans.
"That's not fair."
"I wanted that."
"But I don't want to play that game."
That's when I sometimes say, "It's not your turn to be happy right now. It's Ben's turn."
The first time parents hear me say it, they usually look at me funny.
But here's what I mean.
Many children assume that if they are unhappy, something needs to change. They want the game changed, the rules changed, the decision changed, or the other person's turn taken away.
What they're really struggling with is something much bigger than disappointment.
They're struggling with the idea that somebody else gets a turn.
Social life is full of moments when other people get what they want. A friend chooses the game. A classmate gets the prize. A sibling picks the movie. A teammate gets the position. A coworker's idea gets selected.
Healthy relationships require us to tolerate those moments without making them about ourselves.
That doesn't mean we have to love every decision. It doesn't mean we have to pretend we're excited.
It simply means recognizing that sometimes another person's happiness matters, too.
In fact, one of my moms has told me she uses this phrase as an office manager. Apparently, adults need this lesson just as much as kids do.
The goal isn't to teach children that their happiness doesn't matter.
The goal is to teach them that they are not the only person whose happiness matters.
And sometimes, it's someone else's turn.
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