“Be kind to yourself” – why is that the biggest ask?

Hello Carole Ann,

A huge huggy hug and thank you to all my lovely subscribers who emailed me last week when I shared my grief at the loss of my husband just 8 weeks ago. 

Your kindness and support was deeply appreciated at this painful time and I have stored all your good wishes and kindness in my shattered heart and it has fortified me.

I am living in a strange world that looks like it used to but all the meaning and colour in it has gone. I am rebuilding one millimetre at a time but it’s hard to make sense of anything.

Again, I must be clear, this is not a pity post. I will aim to share some useful insights with you which I hope will land whether you are in grief, transition or something far from a “good place” right now.

Hopefully you all have your go-to toolkit to lift the corners of your mouth when the chips are down and out. It might be time bonding with your pets (they never get bored of our blues and blahs), it could be doing a deep dive under the duvet or simply panic eating giant Wotsits whilst watching Lost from Episode 1, Season 1 (don’t knock it until you’ve tried it).

Lovely friends and many good people, however, have thrown me a googly by adding “be kind to yourself” as they sign off at the door of my upset to ensure my wellbeing.

But oh my, I’ve been a coach for over 20 years and I am still struggling with that one. What does being kind to me mean?

Self-indulgence I am swell at in every sense of the word. Eating, drinking and shopping without satiation was, I thought, a form of kindness. But being unboundaried isn’t kind to self or others. That’s oblivion, a horrible out-of-control feeling and a need to deaden reality. 

It’s a deeper challenge. So how can we be truly kind to ourselves when life bites and everything hurts and it’s time to ditch the “no pain without gain” motivational punisher?

Self Kindness Is …(drum roll) About Mindfully Doing Less

In a busy world that values action, achievement, progress and benchmarks it’s a buzz kill to say “do nothing, go slow, say no”.

It’s a more bitter pill to swallow than a teaspoon of shilajit (Tik Toker’s know of what I speak) when you have lived your life pushing through and “growing a pair” (tumours probably) to develop those all-important resilience muscles.

Yet it is here, really truly right here and now, where the soft inner hug to your soul comes in. It’s genuinely kind to ask yourself:

Do I want this?

Is it helpful?

Will this event/situation/group/person be good for me right now?

What would not doing this feel like as opposed to doing it?

What is my gut (instinct), heart (emotions) and head (logic) telling me?

What am I tolerating?

Am I investing in thoughts that are hurting/scaring me?

For what am I compromising?

What would help me most right now?

How am I feeling/how will I feel?

What do I need?

Life, of course, demands we put on our big guy or girl pants and deal.  But when life has removed the instruction manual and has left you panting on the ropes waving the white flag of surrender, it is the soft blue light emergency check-in above that will stretcher you to peace.

So over to you, gentle reader. What does “being kind to you” mean? What do you do to rescue yourself when you have broken down on the highway of life? Email me and share the salves.