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“Find the Good” and Bring Some Peace: On Writing Obituaries
I recently wrote an obituary, which is both the most challenging and meaningful kind of writing I do. The sense of responsibility I feel to honor the deceased person and to offer comfort to the bereaved is immense. After gathering notes from family members, I typically work with one point-person to share drafts, and they gather feedback for me to use in revisions. With a first draft, I always say, “Nothing I’ve written here is set in stone. You tell me what feels right, and what you’d like to change or add.”
For various reasons, sometimes people choose to include only limited information in obituaries that end up reading more like death notices. Those aren’t the kinds of pieces people ask me to help them write. Instead, I specialize in longer obituaries that read more like biographies in miniature. At 1,000 to 2,000 words, each one is utterly unique to reflect the life it honors and the relationships that helped define it.
There are, however, some sentences or turns of phrase I’ve developed that have appeared in several obituaries I’ve written. Most are alternatives to common obituary language that may cause inadvertent distress or sadness on the part of the bereaved. For example, I coined the phrase, “Held in the hearts (or love and care) of all who knew her, [Name] died on...” to use instead of “[Name] died, surrounded by his family/children/loved ones.” I suggest the alternative phrasing of being “held” because there are countless reasons people may be unable to be present at a loved one’s death. In such cases, saying someone “died, surrounded by...” could make the bereaved who were absent feel like they failed somehow, adding a sharp edge to their grief.
When I suggested this phrase to one woman whose father died when she had stepped away from his hospice bed for a much-needed break, she felt great relief. “I was holding him in my heart,” she said. Through tears, she then had a beautiful revelation that brought her great comfort: “He was holding me in his heart, too. Maybe he waited to die until I stepped away as his way of protecting me one last time.”
Another common phrase I’ve helped people revise is “died after a battle with cancer (or some other disease).” While some people embrace those words as reflective of their experiences or those of their loved ones, others feel uncomfortable with it. “She didn’t lose a battle. Her death wasn’t a failure!” is one sentiment I’ve heard. In such cases I’ve suggested instead, “She lived every part of her life with courage, including her two years living with cancer.” In another instance, a widow told me of her husband, “He was such a peaceful man. He never used the word ‘battle.’ He said he had ‘a journey with cancer.’” And so, that’s what his obituary said, too.
No matter what, sensitivity around relationships and personal details is key. “Find the good,” says obituary writer Heather Lende of her approach. To that excellent advice, I’d add, “and bring some peace,” as a guiding principle of my own goals in helping people honor and grieve their loved ones with carefully chosen, authentic, inclusive words.
Megan St. Marie
President
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