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By Adam Miramon
My biological father passed away six weeks ago after complications following a major heart attack. He had been diagnosed and treated for lung cancer earlier this year. My father and I have had a complex relationship for most of my adult life, and my biological parents have been divorced for over forty years. Prior to his death, the last time I heard from him was in October of 2023 and the last time I saw him was in 2018.
I believe relationships with others are the fabric that gives our lives meaning, and sometimes certain threads in the tapestry of our lives become frayed, worn, or broken. This is what happened with my biological father. After years of not having any contact with my father, he reentered my life about 20 years ago. We would have periods of increased contact, but contact from my father mostly ceased after the 2016 election. While I can surmise the rationale for not actively reaching out, his reasons will remain unknown.
I reached out many times over the past 8 years, and I finally stopped actively making an effort to connect about four years ago. Relationships are two way streets, and their health requires the nurturing of both parties. My relationship with my father ultimately fell into disrepair while each of us focused our time and energy on nurturing other relationships in our lives.
The complexity of our relationship is demonstrated by the way I was informed about his cancer diagnosis - I received a text from my mom - his ex-wife. Neither him nor his current wife reached out directly to keep me informed of his health. All of the updates would come from my mother, and this was how I discovered he was in the hospital following his heart attack.
The seriousness of his health was evident in the text I received from my mother, so I called my mom to determine the possibility of seeing him. After several phone calls and texts late on a Saturday evening with both my mother and my father’s current wife, I booked the first flight out on Sunday morning and made arrangements to stay with friends nearby. I was nervous.
The journey to Ocala would hit several stumbling blocks. My flight was delayed, there were delays getting my car rental at the airport, and there was unusually heavy traffic. I arrived in Ocala at my friend's house and had lunch. I had to stop to purchase a phone charger, and their retail system crashed. It was as if the universe was conspiring to keep me away. I finally arrived at the hospital . . . and it was the wrong hospital! Luckily, the correct hospital was directly across the street.
As I arrived on the floor and began walking toward his room, I heard his wife call my name. My biological father had gone into cardiac arrest while I was enroute to the hospital, and the medical team were attempting to revive him when I arrived.
As we sat in the waiting area, his wife shared with me that she had told him that morning I was on my way to the hospital to see him. She said that he had a look of shock on his face, and then he began to cry. I had never seen my biological father cry, and in the fifteen years he and his wife had been together, she had never seen him cry. I responded to her story that the knowledge of me being en route to see him provided my father with closure.
The doctors came out and informed us of his passing.
It is difficult to explain, but when we were allowed back into his hospital room, his spirit could be felt by the family members who were present. The grieving process would begin and be different for each of us. I would inform my sister, my mother, and my niece of his passing.
While I may not have had the opportunity to verbally say goodbye to my biological father, I navigated the complex relationships and was afforded the opportunity to be there at the time of his death. I was able to feel his presence in the room and energetically say my farewell. I believe my father found peace and closure towards the end of his life.
There are certain relationships which tie us to others for the entirety of our lives, and the biology of grandparent/parent/child are one such bond. Upon reflection, I realize my ability to put aside the past and the unresolved baggage to show up when it mattered the most demonstrated unconditional love for both myself and my biological father. Our relationships with others are the woven threads that create the tapestry of our lives, and how we demonstrate love for each other is what matters the most.
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