Silence is golden, even just to pause momentarily between sentences and topics in a conversation can have such a dramatic effect on the listener.
I have just completed reading “Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together” by William Isaacs. This book carefully examines what are the four types of silence and how they affect us daily with our customers, co-workers, friends and loved ones. The ability to communicate effectively allows us to show who we are as human beings. Through great communication, we display our feelings, values, intellect, influence and strengthen relationships and so much more.
Silence is an invitation to sit with an idea or thought, like the blank pages of a book, space to savour.
I will start off with the negative forms of silence and end with the more positive ones.
1. Silent treatment: No winners here. Painful and hurtful beyond belief for both parties. One person is angry and hurt and obviously suffering whilst the other person is left in the dark not knowing where they stand equally suffering. This often occurs when respect is violated and there is tension. Thoughts pop up like, “He is sitting quietly to think of his next move” or “If I give the cold treatment they will get the message I am not impressed.” Emails are left unanswered, phone calls not returned and avoidance of meeting is often the strategy. Unfortunately, absence of meaningful words and an inability or unwillingness to communicate will only cause division and separation, creating dysfunction in all relationships. Continued long periods of silence is a form of aggression and totally ineffective for solving any dispute. Silence can be used to hurt as well as to heal. We have to increasingly move from the hurtful behaviour to the healing behaviour.
My favourite book, Crucial Conversations – tools for talking when stakes are high by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler digs deeper and suggests negative silence can be broken into 3 categories:
- Masking - withholding the full truth of what you actually think. Sarcasm and sugar coating are some of the more popular forms.
- Avoiding - involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues.
- Withdrawing - pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room.
2. Awkward silence: empty spaces in conversation causes strange, uncomfortable feelings and no one really likes it. Sitting in silence without words for too long can be very off-putting. The expectation is for action, for direction. Our sense of wellbeing and our sense of time are intimately linked. Note solid relationships are comfortable with the silence, content with each other’s company and no words need to fill the awkward empty spaces.
3. Creating space through Silence: It allows the goals of good communication to be achieved. True communication can only occur when there is mutual respect and listening takes place. Hence the word listen has silent in it. By listening and being silent we think before we speak and therefore there is less chance of speaking impulsively and sending the wrong message. This is very important in sales. Really bad salespeople don't shut up and often lose the sale. We empower the other person by showing discipline to not open our mouths and savour all the flavours of their conversation. Ask questions because you care and want to understand more about their needs, desires and wishes. Pausing is a powerful tool in sales it allows time for the listener to think.
William Isaacs says, “The silence is whole and at times sacred. The wisdom of the wider group takes precedence over the chatter of the individual.”
4. Mindful silence: by using the skill of reflection people are quiet and thoughtful. People are looking inward, listening to themselves for new possibilities. It is a very positive experience which requires deep thinking. Reflection is in fact, the most under-used performance enhancement tool.
Often we are so convinced that our own perspective on a problem is right, that we don't stop to think about what we are actually missing. Use the positive voice of silence to collect your thoughts and to channel them in a more positive manner.
Author, William Isaacs says, "People are not interested in what they are missing, just what they think others have already missed." Failing to talk effectively will always result in gaps that will eventually need filling for the relationship to survive.
I hope you found this article food for thought. If so share with your network! Please, enjoy the silence of your mind without the unpleasant inconvenience. This is just the calm before the storm of creativity.
ABOUT ODILE FALUDI
"I help people not only open the door of prospects but their minds which result in more happy customers!"
Odile is a passionate freelance writer and a business development consultant. She is trained in "Crucial Conversations" through VitalSmarts. They have helped 300 of the Fortune 500 companies realise significant results using a proven method for driving rapid, sustainable, and measurable change in behaviours.
Odile runs workshops in Australia, teaching Business Development Managers, Start-up Entrepreneurs, and Sales teams how to initiate client conversations. The aim is to widen their business net. Program available via SKYPE.
