40 Days of Resolution at Home

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Day 21: CREATING A SENSE OF MUTUALITY

by Sara Barnes

We are all in this together.

It’s a phrase we don’t hear enough of these days, and it brings forth the idea of mutuality.

Mutuality is a positive, interactive relationship between people.

The word comes from mutual -- meaning given and received in a reciprocal way.

Mutual is familiar language, and it’s used in various ways:

Mutual trust: promises kept, ability to count on one another
Mutual benefit: life enhanced due to connection
Mutual support: help each other and give each other aid
Mutual admiration: have high regard and respect for each other

Mutuality is all of these wrapped up in the reciprocity of working to understand each other's perspective, interests and outlook.

Mutuality in Conflict Resolution:

With conflict resolution, we work to help disputants experience mutuality.

Once both parties are actively trying to resolve their conflict, the idea is to assist them to develop some level of mutuality. When someone walks in another's shoes, it can be profound. Reflecting on the inquiry: can you describe the conflict from the other person's point of view? often leads to big strides in

conflict resolution.

Learning Mutuality:

Cinnie Noble, designer of the CINERGY conflict coaching process, put together a set of questions that can open up mutuality. Consider these as you work to expand your way of looking at a situations:

How would you describe what you and the other person disagreed upon in that situation? How would the other person describe what you disagreed on?
What did the other person say or do that particularly provoked you?
What did you say or do that may have stood in the way of the other person being able to hear you and understand you?
What did you expect from the other person?
What do you think the other person may have expected from you?
What don’t you know about the other person’s perspective? What doesn’t the other person know about your perspective on this situation?
What would you say you both agree on?
What would you do differently if you had it to do over again?
What may be threatening, uncomfortable or concerning for you to engage the other person in a conversation to better understand what happened and to make amends if you want to? How about for him or her?
If you want things between you to be resolved in a mutually satisfactory way, what would that be and how may you facilitate that?

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