40 Days of Resolution at Home

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Day 17: YOU CAN'T CHANGE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF

by Sara Barnes

Try to change other people -- we've all tried. It doesn't work. This is the exciting and interesting part of human life. You never know what another person is going to do. We plan and strategize and outline. And then the other person does something unexpected. People are unpredictable. That's life.

Let's set up the scenario:

Someone reads a column such as this one. They learn about an approach to conflict and implement the approach.

They report back:

I tried that approach. It doesn't work. My husband was supposed to [fill in the blank with a desired behavior]. Instead he did [insert the complete opposite] of what I intended. This conflict resolution stuff doesn't work!

Conflict resolution techniques are not manipulation or coercion. In fact, they're the opposite. When we try a new approach, we are working on ourselves. Building our toolbox. Expanding our repertoire. Taking responsibility for our own part in the conflict.

In conflict resolution work, we create a reservoir of tools and techniques to use for ourselves. To become better conflict resolvers. To make conflicts in our lives go more smoothly. To work toward mutually satisfying resolutions. What others do will impact us, and we move on to plan B or C and/or try different tools and techniques. But, at the end of the day, we can only control our own actions and hone our own skills.

Put on your own mask before assisting others:

We all know this metaphoric admonition on the airplane. In the event of a loss of oxygen...adjust your own mask before attempting to assist others. Now is the time to work on what will help you.

In the following condensed excerpt, conflict resolution writer and trainer Judy Ringer suggests

Four Ways to take care of yourself:

#1) Center and Cope - You don't need anyone else to be centered and at peace with yourself. Engage in ways that work for you. Remain purposeful in all your communication.

#2) Change the Conversation -

We are often holding the wrong conversation. Instead of talking about content, shift to process. Consider asking: why is it we keep having this conversation? What would resolve this for you?

#3) Give Up - Some of the most memorable learnings from conflict have come when I just stopped trying. I became more of myself, not less. They were some of the most powerful moments of my life.

#4) Respect, Interest, Purpose - Even if it seems like you can't get where you want to go, you can do this: talk respectfully about how your relationship is impacted and what the consequences may be if things continue.

When you put all your energy into trying to change another person, stop. Make better use of that energy, turn your focus around and decide who you want to be. At the end of the day, you're the only person you can truly change.

Become the conflict resolver you want to see.

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