40 Days of Resolution at Home

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Day 23: TRUST

by Sara Barnes

What does trust have to do with conflict resolution?

Let me tell you a story:

One Sunday, I found a slipper on the recently adopted rescue dog's bed. "Ohmi! NO!" "Don't take my slipper!" She turned with a suspicious look, just as I tossed the slipper. It hit her lightly on her back. She flinched and fled the scene.

From that moment on, she made herself scarce. I called for her. No Ohmi. I went outside to the dog yard. She wouldn't come close, tail pinned between her legs. For a few days, Ohmi regressed to the scared and skittish dog from her first few days with us. Finally, days later, I was able to sit on the couch and pet her.

Before our slipper incident, Ohmi and I had filled our trust reservoir drop by drop. Yet one slight, momentary action -- raising my voice and inadvertently harming her -- had taken us many steps backward. And it's hard, patient work to refill the trust reservoir back to the my human can be trusted level.

How can you build or rebuild trust?

Six ways to raise the trust reservoir level:

(1.) Listen. Just listen. You don't have to agree or refute. Listen and take it in.

(2.) Don't Judge. Put aside your judgments. The other person is telling you their truth. Turn your viewfinder around so the video is playing from the other's experience.

(3.) Paraphrase. Repeat back what you heard. So, if I understand you correctly, you saw it this way . . . or, I want to make sure I get what you're saying . . . or, Here's the way it happened from your perspective . . . did I get it right?

(4.) Encourage. Make encouraging statements designed to have the other person talk more about what has happened. Be open to hearing about their feelings. I want to know more about what you are thinking. Or, Anything else on your mind? Or, So you felt . . .

(5.) Build. Make deposits to the trust reservoir by being one or more of these: kind, helpful, reliable, curious, calm, safe, welcoming, open, friendly. You can only change yourself, not others.

(6.) Trust Meter. Keep track of your trust reservoir with each person with whom you are in relationship. Make deposits whenever possible; you may need that trust in the future. When your trust meter registers low, go slowly and carefully.

If you notice a pattern of unresolved conflict, look to see where the trust meter is between you and the other person.

With patience and intention, you can rebuild trust with others.

Happy Yalda, a Persian and Middle Eastern winter holiday celebrating the longest night with family and friends.

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