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Day 39: CURIOSITY

by Sara Barnes

I grew up with a healthy concern about curiosity, though I had plenty of it.

My New England aunt cautioned regularly that curiosity killed the cat. My working-class NYC compatriots made it clear that minding one’s own business was the safest choice. I had seen the horrifying results of vicious gossip.

When I joined the mediation field, I heard from many mediation elders about how important curiosity was as an attribute of a great mediator. I was confused about this.

I learned over the years that what was meant in the conflict resolution world about curiosity, was not idle, or self-serving, judgmental or cruel. There was another, more beneficial kind of curiosity that served the interests of a productive dispute resolution purpose. A humble and empathetic curiosity.



Meditation practitioners talk about a “beginners mind.” I like to think of it as a mind that is open and wide awake to possibilities. It’s this kind of curiosity that mediators and conflict resolvers all over the world employ as a core practice in their work.

Learning to be humbly and empathetically curious:

For most of my early adult life, I thought the best way to succeed was to know. To conclude. To become an expert. To cast judgments. To be knowledgeable. What I've learned, as a mediator, is that little to none of that is what helps to resolve conflicts. 

Truly felt curiosity is what most effectively helps. Curiosity leads one to ask oneself “Why am I holding strong to this demand?" and “Where am I headed with this matter?” and “What resolution would be ‘good enough’ for me?” and “Who do I want to be at the end of this dispute?” This kind of curiosity, as one probes one’s own motivations, values, calculations and desires, is important in the pursuit of resolution. 

Humbly expressed curiosity is the practice that helps mediators and other dispute managers get to the core of the matter. “Would you explain how this has affected you?” is the kind of inquiry that helps one person explain their perspective to the other. “What do you want her know and understand?” might open up dialogue in a meaningful way. In a famously explored mediation, a well-known mediator asked at a crucial time “Has anyone ever thanked you for your work?” What mediators seek is an elegantly timed and carefully presented curiosity that helps the parties get to the root of what is fueling the conflict.

Sending you off with your own bottomless bag of curiosity.

As we near the end of this series, I hope you're taking away tips, techniques and ideas for your life. And if nothing else, please take a satchel of curiosity. 

When conflict comes your way, instead of closing doors and becoming tightly shut off from possibilities, open up your curiosity stash and look beyond yourself to find something unexpected. 

Curiosity, administered in a caring and hopeful way, can be the key to unlocking seemingly intractable conflicts.

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