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Day 9: SEPARATE THE PERSON FROM THE PROBLEM

by Sara Barnes

We tend to treat people and problems as one and the same.

It is easy to conflate challenging conflicts

and people.

But, strong conflict resolvers know that this is a mistake.

Make an effort to think about the problem and the person

as not synonymous.

Try implementing the following to help with the partition:

One way is to switch up the language you use to describe the conflict.

Instead of saying: I have a conflict with Samaya.

Say: Samaya and I differ on how to handle money.

The idea becomes a challenge around handling money instead of a conflict between you and Samaya.

Another way is to think of the difference of opinion as just one factor within the connection between you and Samaya and to remember all of the diverse aspects of Samaya, the human being.

Why is this important?

When we conflate our conflict as between us and another person,

we have just declared a war between two people. Failing to separate the person from the problem can result in each side feeling attacked, causing responses to be defensive rather than constructive.

When we define the conflict as a behavior, or a difference of opinion, or a substantive action, then our energy goes to resolving the topic in conflict.

If both people successfully separate each other from their mutual problem,

rather than fighting each other, they can start to operate as partners,

working on a shared project of coming to a meeting of minds.

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