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Five Regrets of the Dying
From her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying
By Bronnie Ware
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them and their families for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, such as denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance.
Every single patient found their peace before they departed ... every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have not honored even half of their dreams and died knowing that it was due to choices they had or had not made.
What I learned from this: It is very important to try and honor at least some of our dreams along the way. From the moment we lose our health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
What I learned from this: By simplifying our lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that we think we do. And by creating more space in our lives, we become happier and more open to new opportunities─those more suited to our new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
What I learned from this: We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when we change the way we are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks, and it was not always possible to track them down by then. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved.
Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
What I learned from this: It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when we are faced with our approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end, for that is all that remains in the final weeks: love and relationships.
5. I wish I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called "comfort" of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content, when deep within they longed to laugh and have silliness in their lives again.
What I learned from this: When we are on our deathbeds, what others think of us is a long way from our minds. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before we are dying. Life is a choice.
It is YOUR life.
Choose consciously, choose
wisely, choose honestly.
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