7 Reasons the Love You Want is Hard to Find
After relational trauma, finding love can
feel like an impossible feat.
SEPTEMBER | OCTOBER 2022 BLOG
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Hello loyal readers,
Welcome to FALL!
I have returned from my summer travels,
I went on a deep emotional dive through writing, coaching, walking, reading, much rest, counseling, and solitude. This space allowed me to learn and accept more of who I am and what I desire at this stage of life.
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As we advance, the blog topics will focus on an in-depth understanding of our behaviors around relationships and how we adapt and compromise—the meanings we make from our experiences based on our history.
Through our understanding of how we were loved helps us to connect to how we learned to love.
Much of this will come from years of my coaching, study, and current research for my new book. I will share some of these gems with you along the way!
Good to be back and onto the next phase, and I look forward to your comments and sharing your experiences. ~ Thanks for reading! Diana
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7 Reasons the Love You Want is Hard to Find |
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Diana's Message and Short Story:
I completely relate to these understandings about relational trauma (article below) and repairing oneself to feel whole again.
Not many people know that in my childhood home I lived with danger, abuse, and neglect, and I felt unsafe daily.
It has taken my entire adult life to understand my internal emotional, and physical pain and to listen closely to the messages behind them.
I lived as a child forced to keep secrets, had to endure threats, and discovered untold truths that shaped how I thought, behaved, and perceived family life.
I didn't know I was unhappy until I emotionally woke up to the relentless pain of feeling different from everyone else --misunderstood, unrelatable, an outsider, and I did not understand how happiness could be present in an everyday family experience. This is typically true for people who have lived or continue to live in danger.
I drew examples and patterns from how I was treated, resulting in a skewed belief system regarding giving and receiving love. This dysfunction infiltrated most of my relationships in one way or another, and I had no clue it was happening at the time.
Love did not come easy for me as my silent narrative from trauma seemed always to take center stage.
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Fast forward 40 years, and for the past 15 years, I have been in emotional recovery and remind myself that I survived and have grown to love and appreciate my life.
I acknowledge this has become a purposeful pursuit and a growing part of my life's work. I've learned much about my past, unresolved trauma, and how I made meaning for myself to cope with our generational family pain.
Because of these experiences, I surrounded myself with support, took the opportunities offered to learn meditation from 17 years old, ongoing therapy, and became Nationally Certified in specialized mental health education programs, advanced family advocacy, and relationship and professional coaching.
I have been fortunate to teach/coach, and help others, ranging from family members, couples, and organizations to medical professionals and individuals. I teach people how to listen to their internal messaging. By doing so, one's awareness increases along with a broader willingness to understand their pain, their life's origins, and complexities.
I help them to discover ample resources and support to recover and learn to live from a self-care and self-kindness perspective.
And for this, I am and continue to be deeply grateful.
My life, perceptions, and beliefs have changed for the better in every possible way. I am committed to learning to understand who I was then, all that had happened, and to move beyond the emotional shrapnel to who I am becoming and ultimately meant to be.
You can learn more about my upcoming book on healing unresolved and hidden trauma.
(click the link below) and as an option, you can sign up to receive book announcements.
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7 Reasons the Love You Want is Hard to Find |
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7 Reasons the Love You Want is Hard to Find |
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Why does finding love after trauma seem impossible?
This is Elisabeth Cory, the author of One Voice, and the
7 reasons below:
"As our patterns of rejection, abandonment, and abuse repeat, we can reach a level of hopelessness that feels insurmountable. We can resolve ourselves to the impossibility of love. We give up. But when we can allow ourselves to consider how we are holding ourselves back from love and how we are perpetuating our traumatic patterns, we can empower ourselves to make change happen.
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We can slowly turn the tides on our relational life. But we must be open and flexible about how we are contributing to our patterns.
And this is not easy. It requires an honest look at the survival skills we developed in childhood. Those survival skills are based on our childhood reality.
And while they got us through some horrific experiences, they aren’t serving us now. To change these survival skills, we have to look deep into our unconscious to find out why they exist. Here are some common beliefs and patterns we might find."
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When we grow up with an abuser, we do everything within our power to make them love us. It never occurs to us that they can’t love us.
While we all have that part who resiliently seeks out love, our traumatic childhoods create another part who knows love is not possible for us
We are too busy surviving. Love is a distraction. Love means we aren’t focusing on the things that could go wrong.
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Childhood and adult trauma can bring a lifetime of self-hate. It can impact everything we do in life. It can sit in our unconscious minds and nag us with doubts at every turn.
In a childhood of chaos, we created rules to survive. While some of those rules made perfect sense, some did not.
6. We want someone to save us. As children, we spent so much time trying to find someone who would save us. We weren’t able to save ourselves. We needed an adult to help us. But for most of us, nobody showed up. We were left to navigate our trauma on our own.
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We have been searching for freedom our entire lives. While we may have parts who are very interested in finding someone to save us, we also have parts who want to stay far away from the control of others. We can see interest from others as dangerous, as a sign they are trying to have some power or control over us.
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and resources for you and your family.
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I enjoy and appreciate your
insightful comments; please share this
blog and thanks for reading!
~Diana
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