Dear Friends in Christ,

As you know, this Sunday (June 22) is my final day with you all as Priest in Charge at Trinity. As part of our service, we will be having some prayers taken from the Book of Occasional Service (2022). Like all our pastoral services (baptisms, confirmations, weddings, funerals, to name a few), a liturgy like this is a safe container to express big feelings; in our services, we are wrapped in a context beyond ourselves, reminding ourselves that we exist in the wideness of God’s creation and the multitude of faithful people. 

There is an additional element of appropriate leave-taking that I want to share with you all. You may be familiar with the concept of “leaving well,” and this idea has come to mean many different things to many different people. You may have heard it summarized in helpful or unhelpful ways. Very briefly, “Leaving Well” is a policy that the Episcopal Church in Connecticut developed to aid departing clergy, their families, and their congregations to do just that - leave well. Like many diocesan policies, it has come about through trial and error, and the fact that we need a policy at all is an indication that this is not an intuitive process. (Click here to read "Leaving Well.")

What we are doing is ending a pastoral relationship. I (and Nik before you) have shared the life of a pastor with you, the congregation. Even though I bring so much of myself, my history, and my family to my ministry, as pastors we are always taught to “show scars, not wounds,” and remain at a slight distance even as we share in some of the most intimate parts of your lives. This is so that you all, the congregation, can trust, fully, that when you speak to your priest, you’re speaking to a representative of God’s church; your priest will hear your thoughts, questions, agonizing, pain, confessions, or anything else, and never make it about themselves. They will be there for you, primarily. Clergy have our own safe places. 

However, this means that when we leave, we cannot do so in a way that might be familiar in the secular world. Hence, the “Leaving Well” policy. As it says, “A priest’s intentionality around leaving a congregation is the last significant opportunity to nourish Christ’s people who have been in their care… Then, after the priest’s departure, both the

congregation and the priest can live fully into reimagining what is next for their lives.”

Part of the "Leaving Well" policy includes guidelines for how to behave after the leavetaking, including refraining from attending any official parish functions, engaging in pastoral liturgies with members of the parish, discussions of concerns about the parish with parishioners, and refraining from attending social functions where parishioners are the primary attendants. After the new priest is in place, the former priest may return for occasions at the invitation of the priest in consultation with the bishop. In turn, the parish is asked to “[s]upport… the priest and their family in detaching from the parish by respecting the policy requiring the priest to keep a distance, thus allowing all to transition to new roles. Continuing inclusion may be cause for pain rather than encouragement toward the new reality and development of new boundaries. Intention is necessary not to engage the priest and family.” I believe these guidelines are challenging but wise, and history has shown that leaving in this way leads to better health for the congregation and the priest, having learned from many unhealthy examples.

I have known and loved this parish for nearly eight years, ever since Nik joined you all as Priest in Charge fresh out of seminary, and I have seen this parish do incredible things. Deciding to leave has been one of the most difficult decisions of my life but it is one I know is for the best for everybody. I know it will take time to adjust, for me at the very least, and why I will respect and abide by these guidelines. And yet, we will be staying in the Torrington area. My new role at the General Convention Office is primarily remote, and Nik will remain Priest in Charge at All Saints with Christ in Oakville. This city has become our home. That means that I will likely run into you at city functions or in the grocery store. When we do, please don’t run away! But also keep in mind that how we interact and who we are to each other has changed. 

Please know that in all of this, I hold this parish and each of you in my prayers; and I ask that you do the same for me and my family:

Direct us, O Lord, in all our doings with your most gracious favor, and further us with your continual help; that in all our works begun, continued, and ended in you, we may glorify your holy Name, and finally, by your mercy, obtain everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. (For Guidance, Book of Common Prayer page 832)

Yours in Christ,

Mtr. Carrie