The Roller Coaster Called Grief

Hi! It has been a while since you heard from me via email and social media. Events in life are sometimes like a roller coaster that leaves you turned upside down and inside out. Have you ever experienced the loss of a dear loved one? Or some other traumatic situation that caused you to question your existence, fellow man, and faith? If you are nodding your head in agreement, I feel you. Keeping your sanity seems like a full-time job; someone will step on your last nerve at any moment.

I've learned much about myself since Jonathan (our 27-year-old first grandchild) transitioned tragically in March. Having been a pastor/minister all my life, comforting the bereaved and heartbroken is part of the job description. Like most medical professionals, we are trained not to feel the emotions and grief of the people we minister to. However, when it happens to you up close and personal, the professional training isn't sufficient to comfort one's own heart. In my mind, the process is academic, but the individual experience is devastating.

The stages of grief following the death of a loved one are commonly described by the Kübler-Ross model, which outlines five main stages:

1. **Denial**: This is the initial stage where individuals may have difficulty accepting the reality of the loss. It can involve feelings of disbelief and numbness.

2. **Anger**: As the reality of the loss sets in, individuals may experience anger. This anger can be directed at themselves, others, or even the deceased.

3. **Bargaining**: In this stage, individuals may try to make deals or bargains with a higher power to reverse or lessen the loss. It often involves feelings of guilt and questioning.

4. **Depression**: Feelings of deep sadness and despair are common in this stage. Individuals may struggle with the overwhelming sense of loss and its impact on their lives.

5. **Acceptance**: The final stage involves coming to terms with the loss and finding a way to move forward. It doesn't mean forgetting or being okay with the loss but learning to live and integrate it into one's life.

It's important to note that these stages are experienced in various ways. People may go through them in different orders, revisit stages, or experience varying degrees. Grieving is a highly individual process.

Grief can be like a tornado, leaving you disoriented and miles away from sanity. The power of the emotions one experiences feels like a punch from Mike Tyson with the force of a nuclear bomb. Grief occupies the mind like an unyielding invading army. It attacks every part of your psyche and embeds itself in your cells. It is a sadness that becomes a squatter in your heart and soul.

Being the patriarch in my family calls for me to man up and be the strength they need. But there are times, as a parent or grandparent, when grief leaves you empty. It's like a giant asteroid slammed into your body and soul; all that is left is a feelingless hole once filled with nothing but love. Emotionally, I fell from the sky like an airplane without the wind beneath its wings. I have crashed many times emotionally since that fateful day when I discovered my beloved JRob deceased. Every emotion in Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief has presented itself to me, some days, in the most unpredictable ways. One moment, I am laughing, and then a memory loads itself into my thoughts, and my heart breaks some more, and the tears and gut-wrenching sobs emerge like thieves waiting to steal what little joy and happiness I may be experiencing.

Grief doesn't affect others until it happens to them personally. Few people care about their fellow human beings. It matters not whether they're relatives, family, co-workers, clients, or neighbors. Because even when they know you are hurting, they don't call or offer emotional support. They don't ask if you need help managing your affairs, such as cooking, cleaning, running errands, or just being by your side. They may text you but emotionally abandon you. They disappear like steam in thin air once the funeral or homegoing celebration ends.

Perhaps they are just self-absorbed users. Users are in your face when they want something from you. The technical term is Narcissism. "Narcissism is a self–centered personality style characterized as having an excessive preoccupation with oneself and one's own needs, often at the expense of others." (2024, August 4). Narcissism. In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 15:49, August 18, 2024, from https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Narcissism&oldid=1238501353

Empathy is crucial in helping the bereaved navigate their grief, but it requires sensitivity and awareness of both the individual's needs and one's emotional limitations. As a wounded healer, I am more empathic than most people are. My spiritual senses are hair-trigger sensitive. This has been both a blessing and, at times, a curse. Why a curse, you ask? In my profession, clients tend to forget that spiritual practitioners and officiants are human beings who experience life just like them. Even when informed of your suffering, they demand you stop grieving and bring back the person they are lusting after. Or, they want a solution to a problem continually exacerbated by their bad behavior and mismanaged thoughts.

This is the reason my presence on social media has been sparse. I have only had the energy to be there for my loved ones. My mind has been processing and regurgitating this horror. Trenice says my clients have no idea of the sacrifices I make for them, even amid my family's tragedy. I've continued working, taking calls, and processing cases until my body and mind quit due to the stress. Dealing with relatives, friends, or narcissists who offer minimal support during a time of grief can be challenging. Here are some strategies for navigating these interactions:

1. **Acknowledge Your Feelings**: Recognize and accept your disappointment or frustration. It's normal to feel hurt when those you expect support from fall short.

2. **Set Boundaries**: Protect your emotional well-being by setting boundaries with unhelpful or energy-draining people. Limiting contact or stepping back is okay if interactions become too stressful.

3. **Communicate Your Needs**: If you feel comfortable, express what you need from those around you. Sometimes, people may only realize how they can help if you let them know.

4. **Seek Support Elsewhere**: Focus on connecting with those who offer genuine support. Surround yourself with friends, support groups, or therapists who can provide the empathy and understanding you need.

5. **Understand Their Limitations**: Recognize that some people, including narcissists, may have limitations in their capacity to offer support. Their behavior may be more about their issues rather than a reflection of their worth or their loss.

6. **Practice Self-Care**: Prioritize self-care to manage your grief. Engage in activities that bring comfort and solace, and seek professional help.

7. **Forgive and Let Go**: If possible, let go of resentment towards those who haven't supported you. Holding onto anger can be more detrimental to your healing process than the lack of support itself.

8. **Focus on Your Healing**: Focus on your healing journey rather than changing others' behavior. Your primary responsibility is to take care of yourself during this difficult time.

It's important to remember that everyone grieves differently, and the support you receive might only sometimes align with your expectations. Navigating these dynamics with self-compassion and resilience can help you through your grief.

Fuller, K. dba Dr. Christos Kioni (2004)

ChatGPT. The Roller Coaster Called Grief. https://chatgpt.com/