Imagine finding yourself in these situations: 

Your co-worker cancels plans 30 minutes after you arrive at the restaurant, leaving you alone. 

Your friend betrays your confidence by sharing your secrets with others. 

You lent money to a family member who “conveniently” forgets to repay you. 

These scenarios may have stirred anger within you. But what if they happened to you? It’s safe to assume that forgiveness wouldn’t be your immediate reaction. Forgiveness can be a tough concept to embrace when you are feeling angry. Like all emotions, anger eventually subsides with time, but in some cases, it lingers, making it hard to move forward. Consider the repercussions of holding onto anger: severed friendships, wasted time dwelling on unchangeable events, and difficulty progressing in your own life. Perhaps you’ve never considered forgiveness as an option for dealing with such situations. Although it may seem difficult, forgiveness has proven benefits: reducing anger, diminishing thoughts of revenge, alleviating physical and emotional pain, and fostering positive emotions. 

So, what makes the path to forgiveness so challenging when you’ve been wronged? It might feel like you’re letting the offender off the hook, especially if they haven’t apologized or you’re withholding forgiveness until they do. I encourage you to redefine forgiveness: it doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing what happened; forgiveness is about reaching a place of neutrality, letting go of past hurt, and embracing a more fulfilling life. In essence, forgiveness is a gift to yourself, not the transgressor. Many believe that apologies and forgiveness must go hand in hand. While an apology can validate your feelings, it’s not essential for moving forward. Waiting for an apology to change how you feel only prolongs your suffering. 

One effective approach to forgiveness is perspective taking, a skill often practiced in therapy. It helps you gain a new understanding of the transgressor’s viewpoint. If you find yourself thinking, “Why would they do this? That’s so unfair,” or “I’d never behave that way,” give perspective taking a try. These thoughts, while valid, keep you trapped in anger and hinder forgiveness. This skill encourages you to retell the story from the transgressor’s side, considering their motives and experiences. Remember, every story has two sides, and this exercise can provide surprising insights. If you’re ready to forgive or simply curious about forgiveness, here are some questions to guide your perspective taking: 

• What were they thinking and feeling before and after the event, and why? 
• What skills were they lacking that could have led to different actions, and what evidence supports this? 
• Can you realistically expect different behavior from someone without the necessary skills? 
• What physical, mental, and emotional pain were they trying to avoid, and what evidence suggests this? 
• How does their personal and family history explain their behavior, if at all? 
• In what way can you understand their actions? 
• How would you benefit from developing empathy for them? 
• What would be your first step in understanding their actions? 
• What would your life be like in one month if you chose to forgive them? 

After answering these questions, you might uncover new information that shifts your perspective. Remember, everyone possesses unique coping skills and a distinct learning history. Accepting this reality can be challenging, but it’s a crucial step toward forgiveness. If you struggled with this exercise, reflect on what you stand to gain from forgiving this person—whether it’s peace of mind, repaired relationships, or the freedom to let go of the past.

Parenting Corner: Understanding Temper Tantrums

By Susan Paula, Ph.D.

“The Terrible Two’s” are called that because children typically start to have temper tantrums at around age two. Temper tantrums really can seem truly terrible. They’re difficult to watch and they can be embarrassing when they occur in public. Understanding why they occur can help parents manage them effectively.

Very young children simply don’t have the ability to manage disappointment, anger, and other strong emotions, so they express them physically. As children get older, they learn skills for calming down and talking about their negative emotions. So, why do some older children continue to have temper tantrums?

The most common reason is that parents often inadvertently reward tantrums by giving into them. It’s so tempting to want to make the noise and misbehavior stop. It seems easier to give the child what they want, just this one time.

Other children have special needs, such as autism or sensory processing difficulties, that make coping very hard. These children need more intensive help coping with their emotions.

Tips for Managing Tantrums:

• An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Both adults and children have trouble coping with strong emotions when they are hungry, tired, or ill. It makes sense to ensure that your child is well-rested and adequately fed if you know that you will be taking them into a challenging situation where frustration and disappointment are likely. Supermarkets, toy stores, play dates, and long car rides are prime locations for temper tantrums. Remember to bring snacks and allow your child some down time if they need it.

• Adjust your expectations if your child is ill, tired, or hungry. Expect that they will become more easily frustrated or upset. This may be the time to temporarily ease up on demands to complete chores, be social, or do homework.

• Parents have to be very careful not to give into tantrums when they occur. We don’t want to let children know that tantrums work to get what they want. Crying can be very aversive to parents, and tantrums can be embarrassing when they happen in public. Stand firm! Make sure that your child is in a safe place (away from traffic, walls, sharp objects and furniture) and move them if they aren’t. Then wait it out quietly and calmly.

• Teach your children how to  manage strong emotions. Parents can do this best through modeling. Label your own emotions and talk about what you’re doing to cope with them.  When your child is upset, label their emotions for them. Model and teach the use of coping statements, such as, “ You’ll feel better soon,” or it will be ok.” Teach your child to take deep breaths, splash cold water on their face, or distract themselves when they are having strong negative emotions. 

Temper tantrums can seem distressing, but parents can view them as a valuable opportunity to teach their children how to manage strong emotions. If you’d like help managing temper tantrums or other problem child behaviors, AICT can help.