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I did it again last night…… doggone it. I'm getting better... but I still need work.
In a moment of weakness, I sent a quick text reminder to my 25 year old son that he has a dentist appointment next week - we share the same dentist and I had just been in for a cleaning when the dentist mentioned my son's appointment coming up. Reflexively I found myself thinking that with his emerging job situation, weekend ski trip approaching, etc. there is a good chance he will forget about the appointment. I sent him a quick text as a reminder - you know, to be considerate.
I know better. And I wish I had not done that. I need to stop feeling like it is my job to rescue my son from potential mistakes, slip-ups, or miscues and let him figure it out on his own. It is not about the appointment - the potential for a small fee for no-show. It is about the unintended messaging I'm sending as a parent, and about my own selfish need for control versus my son's need to develop and grow from his own mistakes.
With this hanging reminder I completely short-circuited Joe's opportunity to learn and grow and develop stronger personal organization skills because of my natural love and affection for my child. ( Yes, he’s 25 but still…) Why should he worry about keeping a detailed calendar of appointments and events? He clearly has parents to remind him, text him, call him, prod him, cajole him... annoy him.
The message that I really (and unintentionally) sent to him with my little 20 second thumb missive was so much more than the content of the words in the actual text message. What I really communicated to Joe (and I cringe now thinking about it) was more accurately something like this: "Hey son. Dad here. I know you and your generation don't particularly like to use calendars to track your appointments and commitments... even though I'd told you a thousand times.... And I know you are the type of "kid" who lives in the moment and forgets things. Since you are irresponsible and frustratingly underdeveloped in these organizational areas I thought it would be kind for your good 'ole dad to ensure you don't mess this up and become a no-show to your appointment next week. That would be embarrassing for the both of us. I don't trust you to actually track these sorts of things or to make the proper amends in the event you do screw this up. So I'm preventing you from experiencing any discomfort. Aren't you glad you can depend on me?"
I might be exaggerating a little. But in truth, it's not too far off. Joe's response back to me was sufficient evidence that my unintended message was what actually came through. He wasn't impressed with my text. Whether or not he would have remembered on his own is now water under the bridge. I both deprived Joe of the gift of struggle (perhaps) AND the message our kids most need to hear from parents: 'I believe in you and I know you are becoming a sturdy and responsible human being. Growing up is hard work and you have what it takes.'
How much more healthy and secure our kids become when we pause and listen carefully to the messages behind the messages we are sending to them. What a gift we give to our children when we thoughtfully construct those messages and edit the unintended ones.
Kevin OBryant
Assistant Principal (6-8)
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