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On Life and Love After 50 Newsletter

 

2012 Issue 10  March 23

Greetings!

Champs often write to me with comments about how adult children can interfere with their parents' relationships. That is the main topic today.
 
In Section 2, there is a link to my interview with foxbusiness.com on the topic of Marriage After 50. Some of the questions and answers overlap with the main topic of today's newsletter.
 
In Section 3, The Orange County Register featured a front-page article yesterday that stated three online dating companies--Match.com, eHarmony, and Spark Networks have started screening their memberships for sex offenders and other criminals. It's about time!

  

Tom Blake

 

Dana Point, California 

 

Adult children can ruin a new relationship

 

Most singles in their 50s, 60s and 70s agree that finding a compatible mate later in life is difficult. Some never get past the looking. They just lose hope and stop trying.

 

Others are fortunate enough to find a mate. Does that mean that it's going to be sunshine and roses from that point on?

 

Not necessarily. There are many issues that may be stumbling blocks to building a successful relationship. One of the biggest ones can come from the children of one or both partners.

 

Terri wrote, "In my relationship, my kids have been very welcoming. But on the other side, his kids are slow in wanting to meet me or get to know me.

 

"I am okay with that, it should be in their time, but also I have a girlfriend who is in her 50s and her children are very critical of her dating."

 

Why aren't children more supportive of their parents wanting a little love later in life? There could be many reasons.

 

The kids may not want mom or dad to date because they feel it's disrespectful to the other parent. Or, the kids may be protective of a parent because they don't want to see the parent hurt, taken advantage of, or financially ripped off. It's the finance part that often motivates children to get involved.

 

For some kids, it's as simple as not wanting to see their potential inheritance sabotaged by a new love. I've got a male friend whose father remarried years ago after the mother died. The father arranged to leave his entire estate to the new wife with the stipulation that what was left when she died would go to my friend and his sister. The father died but the second wife is well into her 90s and spending the money freely. It would have been helpful if some of that money would have gone to my friend and his sister when they needed it. They, in effect, were disinherited. There may not be a penny left when the second wife passes away.

 

I've got another male friend who has been dating a woman for a year and a half. He likes her and would like to be in a committed relationship. He has no children. He's met a couple of her women friends, but he hasn't been introduced to her children. He wanted to know if that's a red flag.

 

I told him that yes, after a year and a half, not meeting her kids was a red flag. I suggested he discuss it with her. Why is she sheltering the kids from him? The answer may be as simple as she doesn't want the relationship to progress any further. If that's the case, it will be up to him to tolerate the situation as is or move on.

 

By contrast, when I met my partner Greta 14 years ago, she introduced me to her three daughters on our second date! It's been smooth sailing with her children (she also has a son) ever since. Her kids tell me they're happy that their mom has someone with whom to share her life. I have no children so there's no issue on my side of the coin.

 

During one of my marriages, my wife told me: "Blood is thicker than water." Her kids were the blood and I was the water. She was right; they bailed out after a few years.

 

As with most aspects of older, adult relationships, communication is critical when it comes to dealing with the children. If there are issues to resolve, the discussion should come early in the relationship. If one or both partners know there is going to be a problem with children, it's best to get working on a solution before it destroys the relationship-because, after all, blood is thicker than water.

 

 

Interview with Tom on foxbusiness.com

 

Yesterday, Fox business.com published an article by Casey Dowd in which he interviewed me exclusively on the topic of Marriage After 50. Here is the link from yesterday's home page article.  There is a chance that the article may have been moved to the retirement section; if so, simply go there from the home page.

 

Fox business interview with Tom


Tom Blake - Author 

 

Some dating sites will screen for criminals

 

Yesterday, the Orange County Register featured a front page article titled, Dating sites to screen for criminals," written by Greg Hardesty.

 

Hardesty wrote that Match.com, eHarmony and Spark Networks (Black Singles, ChristianMingle) have started screening their membership lists for sex offenders and other criminals in an attempt to make the sites safer. The "other criminal" category includes financial scammers and identity thieves.

 

Kamala Harris, the Attorney General of California, is strongly suggesting that all dating sites adopt the same principles as the initial three. My comment: This action is long overdue. Sceening for criminals should be mandatory for all dating sites. People should be able to meet potential mates online without the added fear of them being victimized. I will keep you posted as more news on this topic is made available.

 

Link to Greg Hardesty's article