Weekly Newsletter:

March 11, 2026

DOES IT HAVE A PLACE IN THE GRIEVING PROCESS?

In second grade, while lining up for the dreaded Polio shots, quite the spectacle unfolded. There was Carol, fainting; Mary Lou, crying hysterically; and Sally attempting to make a mad dash for the auditorium doors.

The boys, meanwhile, were exchanging silly jokes to cover their own trepidation. Now, while grief was not the focus, the element of anticipating something dreaded and painful certainly was. Those of us, tensely resisting, felt the needle's sting all the more acutely. The correlation here refers to the emotional response to an expected painful, unwanted future event. Anticipation, instead of preparing one for dreaded loss, can keep us stuck in the pain of "a thousand cuts."

WHAT IS ANTICIPATORY GRIEF?

Anticipatory grief refers to the feelings of sadness, worry, and emotional pain that arise before a significant loss occurs. Unlike traditional grief, which happens after a loss, anticipatory grief unfolds while the person or situation is still present in your life. It can occur when facing the death of a loved one, a terminal illness, dementia, or other major life transitions of loss. This type of grief is real, valid, and common. It consists of a mixture of emotions, including sadness, anxiety, fear, and guilt; even emotions of hope and tenderness are present. One often finds oneself suspended between the present and the anticipated, often dreaded, future.

IS THERE A POSITIVE SIDE TO THIS?

Anticipatory grief can prove a catalyst for assessing the level of preparedness necessary for the future. Clear plans going forward allow for a focus on the survivor's ability to forge a life ahead while establishing potential personal empowerment within the process of grieving.

WHO EXPERIENCES ANTICIPATORY GRIEF?

• Individuals facing their own terminal illness may experience grief for missed future events, lost opportunities, or everyday pleasures no longer theirs to enjoy.
• Family members and caregivers often experience anticipatory grief as they continue to witness the decline of a loved one, often feeling grief for the person they once knew, even while they are still alive, and the loss of a future they will never share.

UNDERSTANDING ANTICIPATORY GRIEF FOR A LOVED ONE WITH DEMENTIA.

Anticipatory grief refers to the emotional response caregivers experience before the death of a loved one with dementia, such as Alzheimer's, Lewy body, vascular, or frontotemporal dementia. Unlike traditional grief, which follows death, this form of grief is ongoing and progressive, arising as caregivers observe changes in memory, personality, communication, and the dynamics of their relationship. This experience can also include ambiguous loss, where the person is physically present but psychologically or emotionally unavailable, leaving the caregiver in emotional limbo.

EMOTIONAL RESPONSES AND COMMON FEELINGS DURING ANTICIPATORY GRIEF

• Sadness and Loneliness:  Mourning the loss of shared memories, companionship, and the future you thought you would share. Longing for the person they once were.  
• Anxiety and Frustration: Directed at the disease, caregiving demands, or perceived loss of support
• Guilt: Feeling conflicted over relief breaks, negative thoughts, or perceived inadequacy in providing care, at times wishing it "were over." 
• Anxiety and fear: Worrying about the future, progression of the disease, eventual loss
• Helplessness: Feeling powerless to halt the decline despite best efforts mixed with hope

COPING STRATEGIES:

• Acknowledge and name your grief: Accept that grief is valid, even while your loved one is still alive
• Set boundaries and practice self-care: Including rest, nutrition, and gentle physical activity
• Accept your emotions without judgement: Recognize that grief can coexist with hope and love
• Practice turning your attention to the present moment: Allow your thoughts to focus on the "here and now." Gently replace anxious projections with thoughts of gratitude and calmness.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

• ANTICIPATORY GRIEF IS VALID AND MULTIFACETED, arising before the death of a loved one.
• AMBIGUOUS LOSS complicates grieving, as the person may be present physically but altered psychologically or emotionally.
• CAREGIVING ENTAILS LAYERED EMOTIONS, including sadness, anger, guilt, and relief, often cycling unpredictably
• HEALTHY COPING requires acknowledgement of feelings, connection to others, self-care, and professional support.
• ENGAGING WITH THERAPISTS OR CAREGIVER PROGRAMS can enhance resilience while navigating ongoing losses and maintaining meaningful, supportive caregiving relationships

BY UNDERSTANDING ANTICIPATORY GRIEF, CAREGIVERS CAN HONOR AND EXPERIENCE COMPASSION FOR THEIR OWN EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES, SUSTAIN THEIR INDIVIDUAL WELL-BEING, CONTINUING TO PROVIDE COMPASSIONATE CARE WHILE FACING THE CHALLENGES OF PROGRESSIVE DEMENTIA.

— Karen Kelleher, MA

Family Caregiver Support Coordinator at DayBreak

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If you know an elder in need of our care and coordination services, or a caregiver seeking support, please encourage them to reach out to us at: 

510-834-8314