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It’s time to be somewhat vulnerable—here is an article I wrote recently that speaks to what God is doing in my life just now:
Conquering Our Fear of Rejection
“You offended me! And that’s why I didn’t want to visit with you again!” Those words haunted me, but ultimately provided an opportunity for healing and strengthening a long-standing relationship. I should explain:
I have a dear friend (I’ll call her Beth) who for years has met me monthly for lunch or breakfast during winter months, or for hiking during the warmer weather. Beth is a physician, and we’ve traveled together on a good number of medical mission trips to El Salvador, where she did medical exams and I did eye exams. The trips were always enjoyable (albeit they involved hard work and long hours), and we developed a wonderful relationship over the ensuing years.
One day following the COVID pandemic I recognized that she had not scheduled our next visit, and I became worried that something might be wrong. So, curious, I called her and asked, “Have I offended you in some way?” I expected her to say, “Not at all, it’s just been very busy, so let’s schedule it now.”
Her response floored me. “Yes, you have!” I couldn’t believe it, so I asked how that might have happened. She replied, “The last time we met for lunch, you made fun of me for choosing to wear a mask, especially around my patients.” I then explained I was only trying to convince her of the established scientific fact that masks do not prevent most viruses from passing through, but rather are possibly useful only in keeping one from sneezing or spitting on another. She acknowledged that fact, but then mentioned I continued to tease her about it, persisting to the point of annoyance.
I apologized profusely, stating that I certainly didn’t mean to harm her, and affirmed how important our relationship was to me. After thanking me, she said she felt much better and we scheduled our next visit, a walk through the Garden of the Gods with my Gordon Setter, Obee. It was a good time, but I noticed that once again after the visit that she hesitated to schedule our next one.
So I waited—for several months—before thinking about asking her if we might schedule the next one. This time I was a bit fearful, as I’m very sensitive and I fear rejection. “Not again,” I thought, wondering what I might have done this time.
A bit reluctantly, I called. Her response: “You don’t carry bags to pick up your dog’s poop on our hikes, so you just kick them into the weeds; how gross!”
So I apologized once again, complimenting her observation and assuring her that I’d commit to carrying doggy bags whenever we hiked with Obee again. And as before, she told me how much she appreciated my being forthright, and we’ve been going strong since. In fact, she was the first friend to visit me following my total hip replacement surgery.
Are there lessons to be learned here? Certainly, and I’m not referring to those Beth might learn—these three lessons are for me:
1. I’m not defined by what others think of me or, more appropriately, what I often impute them to think of me, as I’m so often wrong. When I feel that way, I’m usually inclined to isolate and not risk finding out the truth, especially if I have offended someone. But typically, that’s not the case at all; people are just busy and often wonder why I haven’t called them.
2. I must learn to risk asking the question. In most cases, my anxiety is gone instantly as I discover there was no resentment at all. But should their resentment be justified, there’s a good chance our relationship can be not only restored, but deepened when I respond correctly in love. The worst thing that could happen is that my fear of rejection is validated and I’ve lost a friend. I need to learn that people often come into our lives for a season, then leave, sometimes without explanation. But this I know: God will never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5)—now, that’s worth holding on to!
3. I’m learning that, while it’s certainly possible to be offensive (or act in an offensive manner), it’s truly impossible to offend someone—it’s a choice on their part to feel that way. It’s like no one can make me happy or joyful—it’s a choice on my part. In the same way, I can choose not to feel rejected—another choice. It’s why I close each newsletter with the sentiment, “Today I will choose joy!”
My Prayer: Teach me, Lord, to risk asking if I may have offended another. In so doing, may I learn that my anxiety will disappear as I discover that:
1. I didn’t offend, after all, or
2. I did offend, but use the opportunity to seek forgiveness and restore the relationship, or
3. I did offend and cannot restore the relationship. Even in that case, I’m comforted to know that I tried, but failed, and am able to move on in peace. After all, You, my most important friend, will always be there for me.
4. Finally, Lord, help me realize that, just as others can choose to be (or not be) offended, I can choose to feel (or not feel) rejected. Now that’s real freedom!
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