"Turning Toward the Relationships in our Lives: Small Moments, Many Times"
By Dr. Susan M. Pollak
I offer this essay in honor of long-time CIMC supporter Dr. Jack Engler who devoted his life to studying the impact of meditation.
I’m always delighted when current research supports the insights of our ancient mindfulness practices. While we often think of practice as sitting alone, silently, it turns out our meditation skills are enormously helpful in relationships. We are taught to get curious about our experiences and to gently “turn toward” them. This is done on a micro-level in meditation, usually starting with something small, such as an itch or a pain, and then progressing to something larger, such as an upsetting memory, a charged emotion, or even heartbreak.
When I heard that John and Julie Gottman, dubbed the “Einsteins of Love,” were using the language and techniques of mindfulness to help people enhance their intimate relationships, I got curious. The Gottmans, two of the nation’s leading experts, have four decades of data and have studied thousands of people, meticulously identifying which behaviors create happiness and which ones destroy connection. In my clinical practice, I’ve found that these ideas can be applied to all relationships—with friends, children, colleagues and family members.
I’ve distilled their relationship “hacks” to use as dharma in our daily lives.
Try Turning Toward
When one person tries to connect with another, there are basically three responses that we can have:
- Turning toward is a positive response when we engage with the attempt to connect.
- Turning away is giving no response, either ignoring or not noticing the effort to connect.
- Turning against is an angry or irritable reaction that shuts down an attempt to connect.
In the Gottmans’ research, turning toward is the biggest predictor of happiness in relationships. Couples who stayed together turned toward their partner’s effort to connect 86 percent of the time. Those who later divorced only turned toward the bids 33 percent of the time. These moments of turning toward the other accumulate over time, creating goodwill and helping mediate future conflict. Think of it as making a deposit in an emotional bank account.
Turning toward another is not a one-shot deal, but a daily exercise in actively paying attention. Small, daily acts can determine the quality of a relationship. Tibetan meditation masters have a saying that is used to cultivate awareness: “small moments, many times.” This technique also supports happiness in relationships. If we train our minds to attend to the needs of another, just as we train to return to the breath, sounds, or the sensations of the body, we can increase the chances for fulfilling, rewarding relationships.
Meditation is worth the effort and these small shifts are as well. Positive relationships lift your mood, decrease your stress, and strengthen your immune system. They also decrease loneliness, depression, and illness.
Jack Engler taught us that that the dharma was about living life fully, including compassionately turning toward all the beings in our lives.
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Board Update: Welcome Cindy Krum
On behalf of the CIMC Board of Directors and staff, I am excited to announce that we have hired our next Executive Director.
Last year, our beloved Executive Director Lynn Whittemore shared her desire to move out of the ED position and focus part-time on curriculum development for CIMC. During her nine-year tenure, Lynn has contributed so much to the Center, supporting the staff and teachers, building our visiting teachers’ program, and finding myriad creative ways for the Dharma to come alive at CIMC. She will be leaving her role as ED at the end of April. However, she won’t be leaving us altogether. After a well-deserved sabbatical, Lynn will return to CIMC in July in a part-time role as Curriculum Director.
On April 26th, Cindy Krum will join CIMC as our new Executive Director. She and Lynn and the CIMC staff will work together to manage this transition gracefully.
Cindy is a long-time student of the Dharma in the Theravada tradition, with more than 30 years of practice history in New England and in Hawaii. She comes to us from the Cape Elizabeth Land Trust in Maine, where she has served as the Executive Director for the past seven years leading their land conservation, property stewardship, and education program efforts. Prior to that, she served as the Executive Director for the Gulf of Maine Association for 15 years where she coordinated climate resiliency and adaptation, coastal and marine research, and environmental health indicators projects.
Our ED search committee was impressed by Cindy’s commitment to equity, inclusion, and a loving and compassionate approach to making the Dharma accessible and by the strong management, organizational, and fundraising skills she will bring to move this critical work forward. Fostering community engagement has been a focus of her work at the Cape Elizabeth Land Trust and her history of facilitating healing work in the ecopsychology and substance abuse prevention fields also offers much to our community.
Cindy was the unanimous choice of the Board of Directors for this key position. We look forward to working with her as we continue to grow our beautiful center, a refuge where the Dharma can thrive.
Please join us to honor this transition. On Saturday afternoon, May 13th, from 3:00-5:00 pm, we will host a sangha open house at the Center. All are welcome and I hope you will stop by to offer a warm welcome to Cindy and to thank and celebrate Lynn.
Erika Smith
Board President
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Executive Director's Update
A Time of Transition
On Friday, April 28th, I will step away from the role of Executive Director for CIMC.
After nine wonderful years of learning and growing, caring and connecting, and giving my best, it is time for a transition. It has been an honor to have held this responsibility and to serve this Center. I love our extraordinary team of staff, teachers, board members, and other leaders who support this community with kindness, wisdom, and generosity. My life has been enriched beyond measure by the connections I have with so many of you who belong to our CIMC sangha. And, it's not over yet... the CIMC Board of Directors has asked me to stay engaged with CIMC on a part-time basis. After taking a sabbatical, I will return later this summer to work with our teachers on program and curriculum development.
It is now a delight to welcome and support Cindy Krum as she steps in to serve this wonderful Dharma community as the next Executive Director.
CIMC has a unique role in the greater Dharma world. I am very excited about all that is flourishing at CIMC and all that will unfold in the years to come. Each of you plays a role in this flourishing. May you continue to grow in your practice and may you continue to support our beautiful Center.
With love, with gratitude, and with deep appreciation,
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Please join us for these upcoming programs:
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Hybrid (in person and online) Retreat with Chas DiCapua
Saturday, April 1: 10:00 am – 5:30 pm ET
We will use early Buddhist teachings as a foundation for exploring how conflict arises, how it can be let go of, and how conflict can often be avoided in the first place.
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Of course, challenges and disputes will continue to arise in our lives, we will also spend time learning and practicing communication techniques and skills that are very helpful for navigating conflict with another person. These techniques will be presented in the large group and then practiced in small groups. At the end of our retreat day together, participants will leave with both concrete tools from ancient teachings and modern communication strategies they can bring to bear in their daily lives. With practice, we can free ourselves from suffering.
This retreat will be supportive for both beginning and more experienced meditators. Our day together will include talks, discussion, sitting and walking meditation, and learning from one another. There will be more than the usual time for group discussion so that we can explore the unique circumstances and practice questions of as many people in the group as possible. Everyone is welcome.
Note: registration to attend in person is closed. You can still register to attend online.
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Online Practice Group with Madeline Klyne
Thursdays, April 6 – May 18: 6:45 – 8:30 pm ET
In meditation, there are difficult energies that can get in the way of our ability to see clearly. These well-known energies are familiar to all practitioners and are known as the Five Hindrances. They are desire, aversion, dullness, restlessness, and doubt.
Curiosity, interest, and mindfulness can uproot these difficult energies which cloud the heart and mind. Curiosity, interest, and mindfulness allow for contentment, loving kindness, aliveness, calm, and confidence to arise and take root in the heart. Just by being aware of the presence of a hindrance and seeing its nature, we can weaken its power over us. In our time together, we will learn how to recognize, understand, work with, and transform the Five Hindrances as we investigate these energies in sitting and in daily life practice.
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This program is appropriate for both new and experienced meditators of all ages and all levels of experience. Each session will include meditation practice, teachings, and time for discussion and questions. Mindful homework between sessions is essential to this group. Everyone is welcome.
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Hybrid (in person and online) Retreat with Devin Berry & Tara Mulay
Saturday, April 8: 10:00 am – 5:30 pm ET
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The Buddha’s teachings recognize ten qualities of the heart-mind, known as the Pāramīs, that support awakening. Patience, courage, and compassion (a flavor of loving-kindness) are three of these Pāramīs. These three qualities can be developed in our daily-life practice as well as during the meditative process, enabling us to live our lives more skillfully, with greater wisdom and inner freedom.
During this retreat, we will practice primarily in noble silence as we ground in mindfulness meditation. Our time together will include sitting and walking meditation periods, teaching, and time for questions. Relational practices will also be offered. This program is appropriate for both experienced and beginning students.
This program will not be recorded. Full and
are available up to 72 hours before the start of the program.
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Hybrid (in person and online) Retreat with Narayan Helen Liebenson
Saturday, April 22: 10:00 am – 5:30 pm ET
Sunday, April 23: 10:00 am – 5:30 pm ET
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In this weekend retreat we will turn our attention to the “Four Beautiful Qualities of Heart” known as the Brahmaviharas, or Divine Abodes: loving-kindness, compassion, empathetic joy, and equanimity. Each of us has the inherent capacity to strengthen these qualities in our own hearts and minds. Through practice, they become our dwelling places where we feel “at home”, not merely places we visit on occasion.
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Online Retreat with Narayan Helen Liebenson
Saturday, April 29: 10:00 am – 5:30 pm ET
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The spirit of inquiry underlies all Buddhist teachings. The Buddha discovered that deep inquiry frees the mind from suffering and the pitfall of an unexamined life. Meditative questioning is a form of investigation into the causes of happiness and the causes of inner struggle and distress.
Together, we will learn the art of meditative questioning and clarify our life questions. Our day will include sitting and walking meditation, talks, discussion, Q&A, and small group and dyad practice. Everyone is welcome.
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Hybrid (in person and online) Retreat with Zachary Ispa-Landa
Sunday, April 30: 10:00 am – 5:30 pm ET
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In the midst of this rapidly escalating global ecological crisis, denial, anger, anxiety, confusion, helplessness, and numbness are common reactions. Dharma practice can provide a powerful foundation from which to discover new ways to be with the reality of climate chaos. In addition to developing our capacity to respond to uncertainty, loss, and change with wisdom and compassion, these practices can transform the external instability we face into a source of liberating insight and compassionate action.
Meditators of all identities, all ages, and all levels of experience are warmly welcomed. In our time together, we will practice sitting meditation, walking meditation, lovingkindness, and dialogue.
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Please join us for these upcoming drop-ins:
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Online Drop-In with Jim Austin and Jen Zehler
Sunday, April 2: 10:00 – 10:30 am ET
This group is an informal opportunity for parents and small children (ages 3-8) to explore a family practice. Through singing, playful movement and storytelling we learn how to spend time together mindfully. Seasonal and festive themes are interwoven in our work to bring in color, fun, and a community atmosphere. We introduce the concepts of awareness, non-judgement or acceptance, and stillness (in heart and mind -- the body may be moving). Some examples of mindfulness that might be explored are: mindful listening, mindful breathing, mindful seeing, and more. Children are naturally in tune with their bodies and their environment. Our work together tries to harness this beautiful quality of wonder and presence. We have a high tolerance for movement and sound, and the children are not expected to sit still or be quiet all the time. At the end of the session, there is some time reserved for conversation.
Children must be supervised by an adult at all times. Our activities are geared to children ages 3-8. However, we are happy to welcome younger and older siblings so that families have the opportunity to practice and be together. Click here to meet a member of the Little Buddhas Sangha.
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(Passcode: cimc)
Or call +1 (646) 876-9923 and enter the Meeting ID 992 0690 6921.
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In-Person Drop-In
Sundays, April 2, 9, 16: 2:00 – 5:15 pm ET
On most Sunday afternoons throughout the year, CIMC offers the opportunity for extended practice at our Center. Sitting and walking with other practitioners can be very supportive of one's meditation practice. Everyone is welcome.
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We observe the following meditation schedule:
2:00 – 2:45 pm: sitting meditation
2:45 – 3:15 pm: walking meditation
3:15 – 4:00 pm: sitting meditation
4:00 – 4:30 pm: walking meditation
4:30 – 5:15 pm: sitting meditation
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You are welcome to attend for any part of the program, however, please plan on entering the meditation hall either before the first sit or during any walking period. This practice is silent and led by a practice leader. Masks are required throughout the Center. |
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Online Drop-In with Reya Stevens
Sunday, April 2: 5:30 – 7:00 pm ET
These gatherings are an opportunity to practice together and build community for those who self-identify as disabled and/or chronically ill*. We welcome the great variety of experiences and perspectives this includes, and we seek to view our experiences through the lens of dharma. Most meetings will include introductions, guided meditation, small and/or large group discussion, dharma teaching and a brief closing. The sangha is led by Reya Stevens who has had a disabling illness since she was a teenager, including 20 years’ riding a wheelchair and decades spent mostly lying down at home. Reya has been practicing dharma since 1984. Click here to meet Reya.
*This includes those who prefer different terminology—for example, a more specific descriptor like ‘blind’ or ‘neuro-divergent,’ or to simply explain their situation as needed. Please note, however, that the group is not geared towards people whose conditions are expected to be fully cured or healed in a relatively brief time (e.g., three months or less).
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(Passcode: cimc)
Or call +1 (646) 876-9923 and enter the Meeting ID 935 2507 3737.
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Online Drop-In with Narayan Helen Liebenson
Weekdays: 8:45 – 9:00 am ET
Every weekday, enjoy 15 minutes of respite and support: a brief sitting practice, Dharma reflections, and a "Dharma Practice for Today" designed to help you live each day in a more connected, wise, generous and loving way.
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(Passcode: cimc)
Or call +1 (646) 876-9923 and enter the Meeting ID 913 2860 9474.
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In-Person Drop-In with Madeline Klyne
Mondays, April 3, 10, 24: 4:00 – 5:30 pm ET
This is an opportunity to get together with Madeline Klyne and others in the CIMC sangha to explore and investigate our practice. We address the questions that participants bring and share from our direct experience.
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Together we recollect the Buddha’s teachings and learn from the group’s wisdom and compassion. Our focus is on practice questions that arise from direct experience. Bring your curiosity and your questions. All are welcome!
This is a drop-in program; no registration needed. Masks are currently required. Doors will close at 4:10 pm.
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In-Person Drop-In with Madeline Klyne
Mondays, April 3, 10, 24: 6:00 – 7:15 pm ET
Join Madeline Klyne and others in the CIMC sangha to deepen your practice in community. Connect or reconnect with each other in person at CIMC and reflect on the teachings together. This unique program creates an opportunity to sit and talk in small groups about what matters most to you in the present moment. All are welcome.
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Our schedule will be:
• 6:00 – 6:30 pm: Sitting
• 6:30 – 6:55 pm: Dharma Question for Small Groups
• 6:55 – 7:15 pm: Dharma Discussion
This is a drop-in program; no registration needed. Masks are currently required. Doors will close at 6:10 pm.
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Online or Hybrid Drop-In
Tuesdays: 6:00 – 7:00 pm ET
April 4: Hybrid with Jim Austin
April 11: Online-only with Zeenat Potia
April 18: Hybrid with Betty Burkes
April 25: Online-only with Madeline Klyne
On most Tuesday nights throughout the year CIMC offers an Insight Meditation (Vipassanā) program for beginners. Each class includes basic meditation instruction, practice and discussion. This class is appropriate for first-time meditators as well as those with meditation experience. No registration required.
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(Passcode: cimc)
Or call +1 (646) 876-9923 and enter the Meeting ID 928 8680 3138.
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In-Person Drop-In
Thursdays, April 6, 13, 20, 27: 9:00 am – 1:00 pm ET
These informal, in-person retreats consist of alternating sitting and walking periods between 9:00 am and 1:00 pm. They provide an opportunity to practice meditation in silence with others at CIMC.
Volunteer meditators can sign up on the day to ring the bell at the end of each walking and sitting period.
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We observe the following meditation schedule:
9:00 – 10:00: sitting meditation
10:00 – 10:20: walking meditation
10:20 – 11:00: sitting meditation
11:00 – 11:20: walking meditation
11:20 – 12:00: sitting meditation
12:00 – 12:20: walking meditation
12:20 – 1:00: sitting meditation
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You are welcome to come to CIMC for any part of the retreat; however, please plan on entering the meditation hall either before the first sit or during any walking period.
Some participants like to sit together for lunch and Dharma discussion after the retreat. We invite you to bring a vegetarian lunch and to join others starting at 1:00 pm.
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Hybrid (in person and online) Drop-In with Roberval Oliveira and Gina LaRoche
Friday, April 7: 6:30 – 8:15 pm ET
The POC Sangha provides a dedicated practice space at CIMC for those who self-identify as people of color and is appropriate for beginners as well as those with meditation experience. Over the course of the year, this drop-in program will explore the Dharma of the human experience; taking Buddhist teachings as our lens to explore the ups and downs, joys and sorrows, tenderness and beauty of living in a world of change. Please feel free to come to any, or all, of the monthly gatherings.
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(Passcode: cimc)
Or call +1 (646) 876-9923 and enter the Meeting ID 922 8607 7706.
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In-Drop-In with Ben Polletta, Sherry Zitter and Valerie Spain
Sunday, April 9: 5:00 – 7:00 pm ET
The White Awake Sangha is a community of white CIMC practitioners doing the emotional work of examining racism and white supremacy culture, how we internalize them, and how we perpetuate them interpersonally, culturally, and institutionally, both as individuals and collectively. Our goal is to bring our spiritual practice to the work of interrogating and dismantling white supremacy in ourselves, our relationships, our communities, and especially at the meditation center we call our spiritual home.
This month, we'll meet in person at CIMC in the lower meditation hall. After a brief welcome and orientation, we'll sit together for about 20 minutes, and then have two rounds of breakout groups followed by larger group discussions. We'll discuss how racism and whiteness are showing up in our lives, and ways to support each other in individual and collective antiracist action. All are invited, regardless of their level of experience investigating race and whiteness, and no registration is required. We look forward to seeing you there!
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(Passcode: cimc)
Or call +1 (646) 876-9923 and enter the Meeting ID 969 8476 9058.
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Online Drop-In with Kate Beers
Tuesday, April 11: 10:30 am – 12:00 pm ET
This affinity group is intended for those age 65 and up. As elders, we're invited as never before to look deeply into the great issues of impermanence, diminishment, and mortality. Yet through practice these are balanced by expanding compassion, joy and appreciation of life. We come together every month for talks, discussion, meditation, and to explore both the challenges and sources of inspiration that enrich the process of creative, conscious aging.
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(Passcode: cimc)
Or call +1 (646) 876-9923 and enter the Meeting ID 963 1055 6128.
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Online and Hybrid Drop-In with a different teacher every week
Wednesdays, April 12, 19 & 26
Meditation Practice: 6:30 – 7:15 pm ET
Mindful Break: 7:15 – 7:30 pm ET
Dharma Talk and Q&A: 7:30 – 8:45 pm ET
(You are welcome to attend just the sit, just the talk, or both.)
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April 12: Chris Willard - Equanimity (Hybrid)
April 19: Narayan Helen Liebenson (Online)
April 26: Matthew Hepburn - Questions on Practice (Hybrid)
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For those attending the Wednesday Evening Dharma Program in person, please note that the doors to the meditation hall will be closed at 6:40 pm for the Evening Sit and at 7:40 pm for the Dharma talk. Masks are currently required throughout the Center
Note: There will be no Wednesday Evening Dharma Program on April 5.
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(Passcode: cimc)
Or call +1 (646) 876-9923 and enter the Meeting ID 960 7085 2464.
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Online Drop-In with Jim Austin, Roberval Oliveira, and Zeenat Potia
Thursday, April 13: 8:00 – 9:15 pm ET
CIMC’s Parents Sangha provides an opportunity for parents of children of all ages to practice together and build community. Bringing mindful attention to our skills as parents can increase our capacity to form strong bonds with all the members of our family. The practice of mindfulness cultivates conditions of openness and receptivity, in which communication and emotional connection naturally flourish.
Parenting is both a joyful and a challenging endeavor. In this group, we seek to view our experiences through the lens of Dharma. We will learn how to regulate our nervous systems, and model mindfulness for our families, so that we are able to navigate the inevitable waves of joy and frustration that accompany every parent’s experience with a greater sense of ease.
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(Passcode: cimc)
Or call +1 (646) 876-9923 and enter the Meeting ID 987 8139 8893.
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Online Drop-In with Madeline Klyne
Friday, April 21: 7:00 – 8:30 pm ET
These evening gatherings provide a dedicated practice space at CIMC for people who self-identify as LGBTQIA+. This is a great opportunity to connect with and build community as we come together to practice, learn and celebrate who we are.
CIMC Core Teacher Madeline Klyne leads sitting and walking meditation followed by a Dharma teaching and/or discussion. Our affinity group is a “drop-in” and is appropriate for beginners as well as those with prior meditation experience.
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(Passcode: cimc)
Or call +1 (646) 876-9923 and enter the Meeting ID 997 5010 1653.
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In-Person Drop-In with Mel Cherng
Sunday, April 23: 7:00 – 8:15 pm ET
This affinity group provides an opportunity for those ages 18-35 to practice the dharma in a supportive community setting. These evenings start with a period of guided sitting practice and walking meditation, followed by time for sharing: dyads (partner work) and small or large group discussion. Appropriate for both new and experienced meditators.
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In-Person Drop-In with Kate Beers
Tuesday, April 25: 10:30 am – 12:00 pm ET
This affinity group is intended for those age 65 and up. As elders, we're invited as never before to look deeply into the great issues of impermanence, diminishment, and mortality. Yet through practice these are balanced by expanding compassion, joy and appreciation of life. We come together every month for talks, discussion, and meditation and to explore both the challenges and sources of inspiration that enrich the process of creative, conscious aging. Masks will be required throughout the Center.
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Hybrid (in-person and online) Workshop with Matthew Daniell
Saturday, May 6: 10:00 am – 5:30 pm ET
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The Buddha's teaching called The Five Reflections illuminates how old age, illness, the inevitability of death, and the lawfulness of cause and effect can be powerful, liberating teachers in our lives. Paradoxically, turning towards the inevitability of change and loss can help us face and transform our fears.
This workshop is appropriate for beginners, as well as experienced meditators, and will combine periods of meditation, reflection, and discussion. Though open to everyone, it is not recommended for those experiencing grief from a recent loss or illness. This program will not be recorded. Full and partial scholarships are available up to 72 hours before the start of the program.
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Contact
Cambridge Insight Meditation Center
331 Broadway, Cambridge, MA 02139
(617) 441-9038
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Cambridge Insight Meditation Center (CIMC) offers an environment where the contemplative life is developed and protected amid the complexities of city living. We are dedicated to integrating the benefits of meditation practice, including wisdom and compassion, into daily life. Everyone is welcome here. |
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