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By now, I am sure you have heard about or even watched Netflix’s blockbuster miniseries "Adolescence", a powerful portrayal of a 13-year-old boy who is accused of a terrible crime.
In their podcast, 'Ask Lisa", Lisa Damour and Reena unpack the societal pressures boys face, including the confusing messages they receive about masculinity and emotions. If you want to better understand boys and the compassionate support they need to thrive, you will definitely want to listen to or watch episode 213: Lessons from Netflix's "Adolescence".
In their conversation, Reena and Lisa discussed research—summarized in The Emotional Lives of Teenagers—on the emotional socialization of boys. Here’s a passage from the book highlighting one way we can foster boys’ psychological health:
If we really want boys to get comfortable talking about their feelings, the men in their lives should not leave the emotional work to women. As one might expect, research shows mothers are more likely than fathers to talk with their children about their inner lives, a finding that makes sense given that we socialize girls and women to be especially fluent in the language of emotion. Kids come to expect that when they bring a personal problem to their dad, they’ll get suggestions about how to fix it, but if they bring it to their mom, they’ll be helped to talk about how the problem makes them feel. Unfortunately, this only reinforces the idea that discussing feelings is an inherently feminine act.
To counter this preconception, adult men need to make a point of asking boys about what’s going on inside and engaging in meaningful conversations about emotions. Instead of offering solutions to boys’ problems, they should treat the act of sharing painful experiences with a trustworthy person as a solution unto itself. Which it is. By normalizing the act of talking about feelings, men help boys to view themselves as nuanced and multi-faceted and send the message that discussing emotions is just part of what boys and men should do.
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What Parents Can Learn from Netflix’s Adolescence About Teens and Tech
Delaney Ruston, MD wrote an excellent blog post with some "parent moves". Read it HERE
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More interesting commentary:
Carl Honoré has written a post on his Substack "Tempo with Carl Honoré", called "That scene in Adolescence Fatherhood, Manhood and slow parenting. Fun fact: Carl's mom taught me French in Elementary school. You can read "Tempo" HERE.
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