MEDIATION MUSINGS––Conflict Histories 

Sara Barnes, Executive Director

I’ll spare you the messy details, but what seems clear is that Jan and I had, and still have, absolutely different versions of our shared personal history—particularly about one interaction a couple of years ago. Since then, Jan (a pseudonym) has been upset with me, and we hadn’t really talked, till finally, when we were in the same place, Jan agreed to meet. We talked. I listened as carefully as I could. I wanted to settle things and hoped Jan did too.

Our present-day discussion revealed two different versions of events. The split screen of Jan’s remembered account and Sara’s remembered account look so divergent, they could be scenes from different movies altogether. Different genres even. Now two years later, when Jan listened to me, and I listened to Jan, we practiced the complicated dance of mutuality. We were doing our best to open ourselves up to what happened for the other person. We tried to put ourselves in each other’s shoes. I tried to take into my own consciousness Jan’s version and consider it as valid and real for them. To consider that I might be remembering things wrong. To think about how crappy it must have felt to be Jan in that situation. It wasn’t easy.

I’m in the “future focused” stage now with Jan. Do I think Jan’s version is right? Well. Here’s what I say to that, though it is hard to say: Does it really matter? I’d like to have as good a relationship as possible with this family member, and fighting for my version isn’t going to get me there. So, I’m going to try to see what I can do, within my capacity, to make things right and move on to a better future. To make a plan to keep Jan within my circle of concern. To make peace, if possible.

In thinking about what has worked in my situation with Jan, I see that so far it has been a three-step process: 1) Listening with an open mind; 2) Applying the mutuality lens; and 3) Being future focused. One thing more––I tried my best to offer a sincere and heartfelt apology. I will report back. Hopefully this is a work in progress that will have a happy ending. Time will tell.

Read a longer version with a reference to micro and macro conflict histories here

Read about mutuality here

Watch a video about listening well here

LEARN ABOUT ALL THE SERVICES WE PROVIDE

• Youth Mediation
• Family and Divorce Mediation Program––PMP
• Housing Mediation
• Civil Court / Small Claims
• Re-Entry Program
• Workplace Conflict Mediation and Management
• Facilitation Services
• Agricultural Mediation
• Conflict Coaching
• Financial Conflict Coaching
• Elderly and Aging Mediation
• Classes, Workshops, Seminars, and Training Programs

Check out our WEBSITE for details.

Community Programs

[email protected] or call 508-693-2999

Housing Program

[email protected] or call 508-693-2199

FEATURED SERVICE:

WORKPLACE CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

“It’s amazing how, even though we are all in different businesses, we all are having the same problems. The course work and interaction with my peers was most helpful.”

These comments come from members of MV Mediation’s Workplace Conflict Management cohort. Over 10 weeks each spring and fall, a new group of island managers and supervisors co-create a supportive community, talking about a topic that many shy away from: workplace conflict. Each week, a member presents a case study focused on a conflict at their work. They describe the situation, suggest what kind of feedback they are seeking, and listen to the ideas of the other cohort members. With kindness, participants point out conflict management tools that might be helpful, notice patterns, and suggest rephrasing, or improved body language. The case study presenter leaves with lots of feedback and ideas to try out. These are all supervisors, managers, or business owners who want to improve how they handle conflicts.

Members reflect on their own conflict attitudes––which approaches serve them well and which ones they want to work on. They learn to recognize their “hot buttons” and to practice techniques for regulating emotional responses by slowing down and reflecting, and they learn how to use constructive responses and how to listen carefully, to better understand. The glue that holds the whole thing together is the individual stories and dilemmas that participants share with each other. At the beginning of the course, class member pledge confidentiality throughout the course and beyond, knowing that privacy is so important on this small island.

Members share their successes, following up on situations described previously. “I kept quiet, I listened. I really tried to curb my judgment. And I didn’t take it personally,” one member reported back. The group gives lots of encouragement and congratulations. Knowing how hard it is to change habits and adopt new practices participants find easier to do with a cadre of others who are working in similar contexts.

In addition to working as a cohort, MV Mediation has experienced facilitators and mediators who can work with an organization and/or individual employees or coworkers one on one. These projects are tailored to specific needs. We have partnered with dozens of island organizations over the years and are very proud of our recent collaboration with the Agricultural Society. Together we hosted an effective communication workshop for island farmers with the goal of supporting managers and supervisors in creating a healthy workplace with positive approaches to conflict resolution.

MV Mediation gains new insights with each cohort and facilitation project, there is always more to learn and think about. It’s an honor to spend time with groups of island leaders working to add tools to their conflict resolution toolbox. Visit our website to learn more. Our next cohort will be in October 2023. Sign up here.

UPCOMING COURSES

People who take our courses say that their professional and personal lives improve. We offer a variety of themes designed to help you understand how conflict can be better managed in your personal life, workplace, and community. The cost for each course is $150–$350 based on your ability to pay. The course that is open for registration is Mediation Qualification for those with previous mediation experience who want more role play opportunities or who need to finish up instructional hours to be qualified in Massachusetts. Register here. Mediation Qualification begins on May 17th on Wednesdays 5:30 -8 pm.

“MV Mediation has great courses! You should learn with them. Great people, and I had fun.”   ––One of our participants, after taking two courses

UPCOMING EVENTS

• April 4th, 9:30am––Martha’s Vineyard Nonprofit Collaborative: Purpose Driven Leadership in the Board Room
• April 6th, 8:30am––ACR-GNY & CUNY Dispute Resolution Center at John Jay College Roundtable Breakfast: Mediation Response Unit-Conflict to Conversation in the Community
• April 13th, 2pm––Excellence: Does Practice Make Perfect? We have a free discount code, just call. NAFCM
• April 19th, 12pm––Family Mediation and Autism Spectrum Disorder hosted by the APFM
• April 26th, 12pm––At Harvard’s Program on Negotiation, mediator Helen Winter and David Hoffman will co-lead a workshop “Follow the Science: Proven Strategies for Reducing Unconscious Bias.” Free virtual workshop
• May 4th–6th––2023 International Peace Conference, The Birmingham Civil Rights Institute, and the Institute for Human Rights at the University of Alabama Birmingham

BOARD OF DIRECTORS CORNER

Board members enjoyed mingling with MV Mediation staff, mediators, and program and community supporters at our successful Bowling and Dine to Donate event held on March 18th. The Board wishes to thank The Barn Bowl and Bistro for generously hosting, donating space and a portion of the dining proceeds to MV Mediation.

Speaking of community, in March we held the first quarterly meeting of the newly created Community Advisory Board. Members discussed how the Advisory Board can help to broaden MV Mediation’s reach. They brainstormed about unresolved conflicts in our community. The Advisory Committee is going to meet quarterly and is committed to helping us to improve our community connection as we seek to put our mission and vision into practice.

This month the Board of Directors focused our DEI discussion on gender-neutral language. We were joined by diversity consultant Agnes Kittoe-Affum, who led a review and discussion of MV Mediation’s Language Document Project. The purpose of the project is to provide alternative ways of making our speech and writing more inclusive through the introduction of gender-inclusive communication. This language document provides a Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging framework and complements the MV Mediation Program’s Policies and Code of Conduct.

Our fabulous 2022 Annual Report is out; you can access it here. Send an email if you would like us to send you a printed copy.

This month’s links for your reading and viewing pleasure:

For Stress Awareness Month we focus on the impact of unresolved conflicts and share tips for handling some of life’s common stressors:

• The toll of unresolved conflict in relationships
• Tips: The power of a small yes
• The impact of unresolved family conflict and stress on child development
• Tips: 10 positive family communication rules for your home
• Conflict in parenting pre-teens and teens
• Tips: De-escalating conflict
• The stress of conflict at work
• Tips: How to find common ground when it seems impossible

MEDIATORS’ CHECK-IN

Wednesdays at 4pm––all are welcome to join.

• April 5 –– Mediation Tips: Small Claims––be ready to answer questions by clients
• April 12 ––DEIJ+B: Gender language document
• April 19 ––Meet our mediator: Nancy Grundman
• April 26 ––Role play: Small Claims agreement
• May 3 –– Mediation Tips: Thinking on your feet––improv!

Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86378014243

Why I Mediate

“To enable the parties in a conflict to negotiate and put forth their best offers, and resolve a dispute in a self-determined manner. Self determination is a principle of mediation that appeals the most to me because it gives the parties the decision power over their case."

–– Paula Reidbord, Housing Program Coordinator and Mediator

DEIJ+B: DIVERSITY, EQUITY, INCLUSION, JUSTICE + BELONGING

Here are a few articles to expand your DEI knowledge:

• Mediation in resolution of special education conflicts
• Trauma-informed mediation
• Can mosquito bites teach us anything about micro-agressions? Watch this video.
• Women in conflict resolution. Listen here to a leader in the field. Thanks to our supporter Paddy Moore for this link.

AGRICULTURAL MEDIATION

This month MV Mediation participated in the Farm Bureau and elected officials meeting at the MV Agriculture Society.

MVMP attended the fabulous Female Farmer panel discussion. What a gathering of the amazing female farming community on Martha’s Vineyard! We connected to a historical legacy on the Vineyard of female farmers, tracing back through the whaling era and pre-Euro occupation to the Wampanoag women who planted and reaped crops throughout their 10,000+-year history.

Martha’s Vineyard Mediation is part of a national network of USDA-supported farm, agriculture, and aquaculture mediation programs. If you know of any farms, farm stands, CSAs, or agricultural/aquacultural businesses, MV Mediation can help. Most services are free or low cost through USDA funding. We work with farms in Dukes, Barnstable, Bristol, and Plymouth Counties. Our brochure is here; please pass it on to those who may need these services.

FAMILY MEDIATION PROGRAM

Divorce, Family & Conflict Resolution

We offer help talking with your spouse or partner about divorce, parenting issues, custody schedules, financial decisions, and communication itself, and can help you to renegotiate existing plans. We also work with reconciling couples and those who have conflicts they need help to resolve.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE FAMÍLIA E DIVÓRCIO

Divórcio, Disputas em Familia e Resolução de Conflitos

Conflitos entre marido e mulher, pais e filhos, problemas conjugais, com parceiros ou entre familiares, divórcio, custódia física e legal, planejamento para os cuidados do menor, visitação de menores, revisão do suporte financeiro e plano de visitação, divisão de bens e possível reconciliação.

[email protected] or call 508-693-2999

HOUSING MEDIATION PROGRAM

Conflict with a Tenant or Landlord?

We offer FREE MEDIATION for housing cases in Dukes and Bristol Counties and information about RAFT––rental financial assistance for back rent or moving out. Take a look at this article from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reporting about erroneous information about tenants being used and affecting homelessness and evictions.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE MORADIA

Conflitos entre o proprietário e inquilinos?

Mediação GRÁTIS para qualquer tipo de conflito relativo a sua moradia nos Condados de Dukes e Bristol, e informações sobre o RAFT- programa de assistência financeira.

[email protected] or call 508-693-2199

RE-ENTRY PROGRAM

Easier Transition from Incarceration to Community

Re-entry Mediation is FREE to incarcerated individuals (pre-release) and recently released individuals (post-release). For more information, check out our flyers for pre-released and post-released individuals.

IN-COURT AND COURT-REFERRED MEDIATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides free mediation services for eviction cases in Bristol and Dukes Counties. We are present at District Courts in Attleboro, Fall River, Taunton, and Edgartown for summary process cases. MVMP offers free services for civil cases and small claims in advance of the court date. We are also qualified to provide in-court and court-referred services for Dukes County District, Superior, Probate, and Family Courts. We provide mediation for pre-criminal and 286 E harassment cases. Our Juvenile court mediators help with cases referred from the Juvenile Court. MV Mediation waives fees for cases referred by court or with an active docket number. 

WORKPLACE CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

MV Mediation provides support to resolve conflicts in the workplace. We provide workshops and develop conflict resolution projects with workplaces, nonprofit organizations, and municipal and trades workplaces. Our confidential Workplace Management Cohort for supervisors and managers is a popular offering.

FACILITATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides facilitation services for groups, boards of directors, organizations, companies, and families. Neutral and confidential facilitation allows those who are attending the meeting to fully participate. If you need facilitation services, please reach out to discuss your needs. Read this article that describes how a facilitator can help you or your organization.

“We are in a much better place since we had a facilitator help us to pull things together. Thanks to the mediation program for all your help.” ––A recent facilitation client

CONFLICT COACHING SERVICES

It can help you. Not therapy. Not advice. 

So, what is Conflict Coaching?

Conflict Coaching is a one-on-one process, with the client and a coach working collaboratively to develop a new approach to conflict. It usually takes place over two one-hour sessions. Make your appointment today!

SOCIAL MEDIA

Following us on social media is a great way to support MV Mediation! Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. This month we focus on stress awareness and its connection to unresolved conflicts. As always, don’t miss out on helpful tips about managing conflicts in our daily lives. You will also get the latest information about community events, workshops, and courses.

Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

THANK YOU, DONORS!

Thanks to all our donors who participated in MV Mediation’s Annual Appeal. We will make use of your contributions wisely. We really appreciate your generosity.

It’s never too late to donate!

DONATE HERE

Our Mission

To serve our community by providing education, outreach,

mediation, conflict coaching, facilitation,

and related services to help prevent and resolve conflicts.

Our Vision

To create an island of competent, capable, and

effective conflict resolvers.

Thank you for our donors and sponsors for your continued support!

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Healthy Aging Martha's Vineyard

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At MVMP our slogan is We Can Work It Out. Would you like to borrow this slogan?

Feel free. You Can Work It Out! We are here if you need our help.

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