I was talking with my coaching client Mary last month about her homework assignment on "Learning to Feel More Comfortable Talking to Men".

As part of this homework, Mary was to watch for men who appear in her world (grocery store, gas station, bank, etc.) and to just smile or say hi or ask them a question.

This assignment helps women exercise their "feeling comfortable talking to men" muscles. By practicing this way, they then feel more confident when they end up talking to a man they're really interested in. 

My years of coaching have made me aware of how tongue-tied women can be when they really like the man. This homework has been beneficial for my clients, so it's an exercise I give regularly.

So I asked her, "Did you talk to him?"

And she said no.

Now, I always learn a lot when a client doesn't do what I've asked them to do. Usually this means a resistance (one that got in her way in the past) has come up, and we can now address it and put it aside.

So I asked Mary why didn't she talk to him. And she said, "Well, I can't marry a man who works in produce!" (Do you see the resistance that might be getting in her way?) 

You might be surprised to learn... many women project their relationships into the future, even when there isn't any evidence for them to be doing this.

In her head, Mary already had herself married to him for 10 years. Even though in reality, they hadn't said a word to each other! (So clear when you read about it here, and so foggy when it's happening in real life.)

When I pointed this out she was surprised; she had no idea she was doing this. She also didn't realize how much this might cause her to pass up a great guy.

I explained that the best part of noticing something that's holding us back is that she can now decide to do things in a new way, and have a different (and positive) result. 

Even if he were to become interested in her, she would still be in control of whether anything more happened.

On the lighter side, Mary and I also talked about how making friends with the local produce guy might get her some extra special selections of fruits and vegetables.

I'm happy to say that Mary has learned to watch for places in her life where she's closing a potential relationship door that she hasn't even opened. This has given her even more chances to practice talking to men; she'll now wait until the "door" is opened before she decides whether it needs to be closed.

Does this sound familiar? Have you ever done this? Are you concerned you might be doing this (unknowingly) and it could cause you to pass up a potential relationship? If so, I'd love to hear about it.

Would you like some help so you can feel more comfortable talking to men? Send me an email - I'd be happy to teach you!