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In a world of increasing division and quick reactions, how we speak to one another matters deeply, especially in times of tension. At Asbury First, we are called to be a bold witness to Christ’s love in all we do, including the way we communicate. We are committed to growing not only in faith but also in how we live out that faith in community. In times when disagreement or uncertainty can make conversation difficult, we are called to speak and listen with greater love and understanding. That’s why we’ve begun introducing a simple but powerful tool to our Governing Board and Committees: Eric Law’s RESPECT guidelines.
I experienced these first in an anti-racism training years ago, and was delighted when our then-Bishop of Troy Conference, Susan Hasinger, introduced them into use throughout the Conference. They have served me well in my ministry since.
Developed by the Rev. Dr. Eric H.F. Law, founder of the Kaleidoscope Institute, the RESPECT guidelines offer a framework for dialogue across differences—whether cultural, theological, political, generational, or personal. They encourage deep listening, authentic sharing, and mutual regard, all grounded in our shared faith. These guidelines are designed to help diverse groups of people speak more truthfully, listen more fully, and grow in trust, even when the stakes are high.
Here’s what RESPECT stands for:
R – Take Responsibility for what you say and feel, without blaming others.
We each bring our own emotions, experiences, and perspectives to a conversation. Taking responsibility means owning our feelings and opinions as ours, rather than projecting them onto someone else. It invites us to speak from the “I” (I feel, I think, I wonder…) instead of making accusations or assumptions about others. This practice builds accountability and humility into our communication.
E – Use Empathetic listening
Empathetic listening asks us to slow down and truly hear what someone else is saying—not just their words, but the emotion and meaning behind them. It means listening not to respond or debate, but to understand. This kind of listening builds connection and affirms the dignity of each speaker.
S – Be Sensitive to differences in communication styles
We all communicate differently—some are direct, others more reserved; some speak with passion, others with careful deliberation. Being sensitive to these differences helps us avoid misunderstanding and judgment. It reminds us that cultural, generational, and personal styles are not right or wrong—just different.
P – Ponder what you hear and feel before you speak
When conversations are charged, it’s tempting to react quickly. Pondering gives us space to reflect—on what we've heard, how it affects us, and what response is most helpful. It’s a discipline of pausing, praying, and choosing words that move the conversation forward rather than escalating tension.
E – Examine your own assumptions and perceptions
Before we assume we know what someone means—or why they think or feel the way they do—it’s worth examining our own filters. What unspoken assumptions or biases might we be bringing into the conversation? Self-reflection helps us remain open to new insights and prevents us from jumping to conclusions.
C – Keep Confidentiality
Confidentiality creates safe space for honest conversation. When we honor what is shared in trust, we protect the integrity of the group and demonstrate care for one another. This doesn’t mean secrecy—but it does mean we don’t share someone else’s story or struggle without permission.
T – Trust the process
Trust doesn’t mean everything will go smoothly, or that everyone will agree. But it does mean we believe in the possibility of growth, healing, and transformation. Trusting the process means staying at the table, even when it’s hard, believing that, with God’s help, we can make progress together.
By using RESPECT as a shared covenant for conversation, we hope to model more Christlike communication, full of grace, curiosity, and care. These practices remind us that every person at the table brings a story, a perspective, and a piece of the truth. Even when we disagree, we can still respect each other, listen deeply, and build trust over time. As a community committed to grace and justice, RESPECT offers us a shared way to communicate with care. It doesn’t require us to think alike, rather, it invites us to think together.
We have cards made up with the RESPECT guidelines, and you will see them around the church; if you would like one or more and haven’t seen them, please let the office know.
We believe this approach will strengthen our governance, deepen our relationships, and ultimately help us live more fully into our call to love God and neighbor. As we move forward, we hope to bring the RESPECT guidelines into more areas of congregational life. In the meantime, we invite you to try them out in your own conversations at church, at home, at work. It might just change everything.
May we continue to speak with love, listen with humility, and lead with compassion.
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