“The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway.”

-Henry Boye

The best way to weather conflict is to build relationships and trust before the conflict arises (because trust and believe, it will arise). Using strategies to resource yourself like getting sleep, taking care of your body, and practicing mindfulness can help keep you steadier in conflict. Similarly, taking care of and tending to the people in your group (could be your team at work, friend group, roommates, or family) helps to build resilience when things get rocky.

This workbook is full of strategies to explore your patterns and archetype in conflict so you can begin to recognize and change behaviors that undermine trust and replace them with actions to build trust.

There are activities that connect you to the situations and relationships that bring you joy and make you feel happy and secure, so you can call upon those when needed.

We'll share one group activity, but we really recommend downloading and exploring the workbook on your own or with your group!

On your own, and then in a group together, share the following:

Vision. What we hope to create together (and, in some cases, with others); the future we hope will come to be.

Purpose. Motivation + unique contribution towards our vision; our reason for coming together; our why. 

People. Who are the people most important to our purpose? If there is one set of people that we want our decision-making to be accountable to, who are they?

Values. What matters most to us.

Practices. Our agreements for how we’ll move together. This could include agreements about roles, decision-making, and navigating conflicts, as well as celebrations and mutual support.

Answering these prompts and creating a shared vision when things are easy gives you something to turn towards when things are tough. You can then evaluate if your actions are aligning with your vision, purpose, and values. Are you acting in accordance with the practices you've agreed upon?

There is no perfect strategy to avoid conflict altogether, but if you recognize conflict as a natural part of group dynamics, and build a common vision, you create a structure of care to operate in when conflict inevitably happens.

There is so much more to explore in the workbook; we hope you find it as useful as we have!

Activities and content adapted from Turning Towards Each Other: A Conflict Workbook by Jovida Ross and Weyam Ghadbian, 2020 

We've said it before and we'll say it again: there is no way to avoid conflict. It is an inherent part of human interaction. We are all sometimes going to act outside of our values and intentions and cause harm, and will need to take accountability and apologize.

Mia Mingus, writer and activist working for disability justice and transformative justice, writes about how an apology is a hollow gesture unless you are prepared to fully take accountability for your actions. To effectively apologize, it's crucial to approach it with sincerity, authenticity, and a desire for genuine growth.

“True accountability is not only apologizing, understanding the impacts your actions have caused on yourself and others, making amends or reparations to the harmed parties; but most importantly, true accountability is changing your behavior so that the harm, violence, abuse does not happen again.”

-Mia Mingus

If you value the relationship you have with the person you harmed, and want to do real repair, then taking accountability for your actions is the first step. According to Mingus, accountability has four critical components.

1. Self Reflection: understand your actions and the impact they had, so you can make things right and understand changes needed in the future.
2. Apologizing: humbly acknowledge and take responsibility for the harm, understanding that someone does not have to accept the apology.
3. Repair: make amends and rebuild trust with the person harmed. This is going to look different for each situation and depends on the relationship you have with the person and if they are willing to work with you.
4. Behavior Change: an apology doesn't mean much if you don't change your behavior. Self reflection also plays a part here where you examine the behavior that caused the harm and what changes are needed to not continue the harm.

Part of taking accountability is apologizing. Mingus recommends that you offer the apology as soon as possible, so that he hurt doesn't fester. Saying you're sorry, meaning it, and changing your behavior can be hard! Often we don't want to do it and we put it off to avoid uncomfortable conversations, but delaying it won't make the transgression go away.

Luckily, Mingus outlines five components to a good apology that you can use in a situation where you have caused harm to someone you care about, and want to make amends.

This video also provides tips on how to give a good apology.

1. "I'm sorry." Make sure to say it! You have to back it up with the other steps, but be sure to apologize in your apology.
2. Name the hurt/harm. Don't dance around with vague language, name the situation so you are accountable to what harm needs to be repaired.
3. Name the impact. You may not have meant to hurt someone or break trust, but once you have named the action, recognize the impact and show empathy to the other person for what they may be feeling.
4. Take responsibility by naming your actions. Put it all together by saying what you did to cause the harm. Again, don't soften your role in the situation, own your actions and what part they played in the current situation. This is a vulnerable place to be! Showing that you are willing to be vulnerable in order to right the wrong shows commitment to repair.
5. Commit to not doing the hurt/harm again. To be clear, do this and mean it! These tips are for relationships you value and want to keep healthy. If you are acknowledging your hurtful or harmful actions, you are going to have to make changes so you do not perpetuate them.

Mingus encourages us to embrace the practice of apologizing and building a culture of accountability in our relationships. By approaching apologies with sincerity, authenticity, and a willingness to learn and grow, we can strengthen our connections with others and create a more harmonious society.

Upcoming Events

Artwork by Taimani Emerald

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What have you done to build up relationships so there is resilience in conflict?

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