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Assertive Engagement Newsletter
February 2024
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Last month we explored Unconditional Positive Regard which means expressing empathy, support, and acceptance to someone, regardless of what they say or do. This month we take a deeper dive into self-compassion which is like having Unconditional Positive Regard for ourselves. That's right, we're talking about self-dialogue and approaching ourselves with the kindness and care we give to others.
That can be tough! Especially this time of year where the lack of sun and general gloominess may have won out against those optimistic New Year's resolutions. If that's where you're at - it's ok! No one said change can only happen in January! You are not the first or last person to miss the mark on meeting a goal; life rarely goes exactly as planned. Each new day is an opportunity to start again, and that start is easier when you are in your own corner.
We here at the AE team also have to actively practice self-compassion. We make mistakes too, and sometimes are self-critical about what we've said or not said in a training, how we could have handled things differently or how we're not in the place we want to be right now. But being tough on ourselves doesn't resource us with the strength and motivation to move forward. Taking a moment to pause, acknowledge the hard feelings, and figure out what we need to support ourselves moving forward puts us in a better place to improve and grow. It also feels a lot better and is a practice in how to support each other.
We hope the resources in this newsletter inspire you to be kinder and more compassionate to yourselves as 2024 continues to unfold.
Take care from your newsletter team,
Rhea, Helen, & Gabe
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“Nurturing your self compassion is anti-oppression work within yourself.”
-Joy Donnell
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In this 20-minute video, Dr. Kristin Neff explains the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem, what the research says about the health benefits of practicing self-compassion, and how it can grow our empathy for others. | | |
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"When we feel safe and comforted, we are in the optimal mind state to do our best."
-Dr. Kristin Neff
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Dr. Neff identifies three core components for self-compassion.
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification
Mindfulness is central to self-compassion and provides the awareness needed to be with ourselves as we are and to validate our pain. It’s a balanced state that steers clear of two common reactions to suffering: avoidance and over-identification.
Common Humanity vs. Isolation
Common humanity involves recognizing that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment
The element of kindness at the core of self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or punishing ourselves with self-criticism.
Source: Center for Mindful Self-Compassion
Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s painful - acknowledge the pain but avoid getting stuck in it. Instead of adding to the pain with critical judgment of yourself, offer yourself support, care, and understanding to get through the pain.
It sounds simple, but it can take some practice if you take a tougher approach with your self-talk.
One simple exercise to practice self-compassion in that moment is to pretend a friend or loved one did the thing you did which is creating the negative emotions. What would you say to them? How would you care and support them if they said something like, "How could I have done that? I'm a failure!"? By pretending it is someone you love that made the mistake, you can practice using the language of self-compassion. Write down what you would say to a friend. Now say it to yourself. See how it feels to show yourself kindness and support.
If this is new to you it will take practice! It may feel strange or silly at first to tell yourself, "It's ok you messed up, you're still worthy and I support you." The more you practice, the more you change the conversation with yourself. Research has shown that the more you practice compassion with yourself, the more likely you are to show compassion to others.
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Unlocking Self-Compassion: The Role of Oxytocin | |
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In the realm of emotional well-being, self-compassion is a cornerstone to maintaining inner peace. Self-compassion offers a pathway to self-acceptance and growth. While this concept has garnered attention in psychological research, recent studies shed a light on the interplay between neurobiology and self-compassion. One dynamic player is oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone" or "bonding hormone." This neuropeptide is produced in the brain’s hypothalamus region and released into the bloodstream by the pituitary gland. It plays a crucial role in social bonding, trust, and emotional regulation. Its effects on human behavior have been studied extensively, revealing its involvement in fostering feelings of attachment and empathy.
Recent research has delved into oxytocin's connection to self-compassion. Studies show individuals with higher levels of oxytocin tend to exhibit greater self-compassion, characterized by reduced self-criticism and increased self-kindness. This correlation suggests that oxytocin may play a pivotal role in nurturing a compassionate attitude towards oneself. How does oxytocin achieve this feat? The answer lies in its influence on the brain's emotional processing center.
Oxytocin receptors are abundant in regions associated with empathy and compassion, such as the amygdala and prefrontal cortex. By regulating activity in these areas, oxytocin enhances emotional empathy and reduces the stress response which fosters a mindset that contributes to self-compassion. Oxytocin affects self-compassion through interacting with the body's stress response systems. High levels of self-criticism increase when a person experiences stress which in turn perpetuates negative self-perception. Oxytocin acts as a buffer against this by dampening the stress response.
Engaging in activities that promote oxytocin release, such as physical touch, social connection, and mindfulness practices, can serve as tools for enhancing self-compassion. By nurturing relationships and fostering a sense of belonging, individuals can harness the power of oxytocin to cultivate a compassionate attitude towards themselves.
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There are conscious steps one can take to intentionally increase the production and flow of oxytocin. Exercise can ramp up oxytocin levels, with the greatest benefit coming from moving the body in ways one enjoys and when exercising with others. Going on walks with friends, playing a round of pickleball, catch, or basketball fosters a sense of community while relieving stress.
Bonding with others can happen in many ways. Singing with others, creating music together, joining in on a dance party with your pals. Maybe your idea of a good time is cooking food with people you care about and enjoying that nice meal while having an enriching or fun conversation. Close interactions that make use of active listening with a comfortable level of eye contact helps people feel seen, heard, and understood. Social support facilitates a sense of trust. It can even enhance facial emotion recognition and personal growth. In addition, doing something nice for others can elevate happiness.
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If you're interested in another way to keep oxytocin flowing, think nutrition. Eating foods rich in complex carbohydrates, omega-3 fatty acids, vitamin B6, and zinc can stimulate the release of oxytocin. Vitamin D directly activates and controls oxytocin production. Vitamin C helps stimulate the secretion of oxytocin while magnesium increases oxytocin at its receptor sites. Getting the nutrients you need in combination with good social connections can do a lot to reduce stress.
The emerging research on oxytocin's role in self-compassion offers a fascinating glimpse into the interplay between neurobiology and human behavior. Understanding how oxytocin influences our capacity for self-compassion opens new avenues for personal growth and emotional well-being. Prioritizing healthy, positive experiences with ourselves and others is worth the time. When people experience acceptance, warmth and connection, they learn how to give themselves grace when mistakes happen. Let's embrace the power of self-compassion and cultivate kindness towards ourselves and others.
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Looking for a good read? We have suggestions! | |
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"I recognized winter. I greeted it and let it in... Nature shows that survival is a practice."
-Katherine May
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In her memoir Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times Katherine May explores the restorative power of rest during life's difficult times. It encourages shifting our mindset from the hustle and bustle of the daily grind towards the quiet introspective stillness that a period of winter can provide.
May shares her experience with a period of “wintering” in her own life. By “winter,” she means not just the cold season, but "a fallow period in life when you're cut off from the world, feeling rejected, sidelined, blocked from progress, or cast into the role of an outsider."
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After experiencing unexpected health complications, she mentions feeling “relieved” that she was physically unable to go to work. She had previously just been “pushing through” the pain even when it became nearly unbearable; May reflects that she did not want to “let everyone down” or “look like a quitter.” She remembered feeling “justified” when her doctor insisted she not work and prepare for surgery. The feelings of shame and guilt that are often felt during a leave of absence from work can take a while to dissipate. Katherine is not alone in feeling relieved that “she was really ill and had a legitimate reason” to not be working the busy 9-5 to which she and many of her friends had been accustomed.
It was during the reluctant acceptance of this period of illness, when she struggled to make a short walk outside of her home due to the pain...that she made an intentional mindset shift to embrace the slow stillness of winter. During this time of forced healing and reflection, she was able to reconnect with her love of naps, of books and warm drinks, of canning and delicious (yet time consuming) homemade meals.
When a long awaited international trip to Europe threatened to be lost forever due to her medical challenges, she opted to embark on the trip anyway. After all, if she’s going to be recovering... couldn't she do that anywhere? And wouldn't the land where her ancestors were born be as good of a place as any to recover her body and soul? She explores the soothing powers of the natural world and the way other creatures and cultures have survived the winter. Through interviews with others that have “wintered” themselves and exploring the medicinal properties of being “in sauna” and other natural treasures, she found herself with a newfound appreciation for this incredibly challenging time in her life.
If you want a book that doesn’t try to cover up the messy and unattractive realities of grief, illness and rebirth, I’d recommend giving it a read or listen.
The book is available in print and audiobook by our friends at Multnomah County Library here.
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We wanted to share this opportunity to enjoy an all-star reading of Toni Morrison's iconic novel, The Bluest Eye. Tickets are free though the link below. | |
February 28 & 29
4:00 p.m. PST
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We are still in Black History Month for a few more days, and while many of the BHM celebrations and events have passed, there is still plenty of reading to do!
The Black Cultural Library Advocates of Multnomah County Library have created a collection with over "7,000 items — books, film, periodicals, music and more — relating to the African American experience, as well as works created by African Americans and other people of African descent."
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"It is connecting everyone to services and giving them confidence and empowerment to advocate for themselves. Not only in the library but also outside of it." - SyNova Blackwell, BCLA library assistant | | |
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Question of the Month
Self-compassion isn't just kind words that you tell yourself, it's also about action. What's an action you can take to show yourself compassion? Some examples: taking a walk, canceling plans, creating something, snuggling with a pet - how will you show up for yourself?
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Which unconditional positive regard statement can you commit to using when you find judgment coming up about your life or choices? | |
January Poll Results
Last month we talked about Unconditional Positive Regard - the offering empathy, acceptance, and support without judgment. We offered some statements you could use when judgment arises around other people's life or choices and here's what you said:
They are the expert in their own life (an AE favorite!) - 40%
I'm rooting for their success - 25%
They are doing the best they can - 15%
They are a valued member of our community - 15%
They are capable of success - 5%
Thanks to everyone who completed our poll last month! We're looking forward to seeing how the results compare to the phrases you would use when offering Unconditional Positive Regard to yourself!
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Join us for March's Community of Ongoing Practice
(COOP)
We are planning a conversation around the balance of self-compassion and compassion for others. Many people who go into the helping professions do so because they have compassion for others, but compassion for self can be tougher. There are health benefits to self-compassion. This COOP we will talk about how to strike a healthier balance and discuss how self-compassion can lead to more compassion for others. We always start with a mindfulness activity and provide rest and recovery time during the last half hour.
Join us via Zoom at our next optional COOP session:
March 28
2:30 - 4:30 pm
Sign up here to get the meeting link.
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What is a Community of Ongoing Practice?
A group of people who share a common interest and interact often to learn from each other and advance their work. It is open to all, but is most valuable to folks who have already completed the Assertive Engagement 101 training and are seeking ongoing refreshers of the curriculum, supplemental training to deepen their understanding of AE core concepts, and community building with AE practitioners.
Sign up to join our community of practice email list and get updates on future programming and events.
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We are pausing all scheduled AE workshops to complete the final steps to launching our self guided e-learning series.
Soon, you'll be able to register and watch 6 video modules online when and where it works for you. There are journaling activities and a short quiz at the end of each module.
After successful completion of the modules, you'll enroll in a four and half hour Skills Practice Session where you will actively participate and practice Assertive Engagement skills with other service providers. Upon successful completion of the Skills Practice Session, you'll be AE certified!
The development and production of this series has taken a year and a half of hard work, and we are so excited to launch them soon! We hope by offering training in this format we can better meet the needs of our community of learners.
We will post all new training opportunities in this newsletter.
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