“Have no fear of perfection—you'll never reach it.” 

— Salvador Dalí



In Assertive Engagement, we talk about self-compassion because it is an important practice for us as we go through work that can be challenging and draining, as well as a tool for the people we work with. When we model self-compassion, we show others they don't have to be so hard on themselves, and that mistakes and setbacks are something we all experience.

According to Dr. Kristen Neff, researcher on self-compassion for over 20 years, there are three elements to self-compassion:

Self-kindness* vs Self-judgment

We all suffer, fail, or feel inadequate sometimes, and we can respond to this with tenderness and care or with criticism and coldness. I like to think of a coach metaphor. Is your inner voice a hard-nose coach who calls you names and makes you run laps until you dry heave? Or is it an encouraging mentor who will support you through improvement? This inner voice dictates the way we talk to ourselves in times of struggle. When we feel safe and comforted by ourselves, we are better able to cope with life's challenges. *See below for tips on how to be kind to yourself.

Common Humanity vs Isolation

It's common to feel frustration in the face of disappointment. Sometimes this frustration is accompanied by an irrational (often pervasive) sense of isolation. "Why am I the only one struggling here?" All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.

Mindfulness vs Over-identification

Staying mindful and balanced while practicing self-compassion means we're not ignoring our suffering and we're also not exaggerating it or becoming consumed by it. When we spiral into negative thoughts, we can lose perspective. We also don't want to pretend everything is fine. We want to support ourselves as we turn toward our pain with acceptance.

Take the Self-Compassion Test to see your level of self-compassion!

Self-Kindness

We know the importance of practicing self-kindness vs self-judgment, but it's just so easy to judge ourselves! For some of us, self-compassion wasn't modeled or was seen as indulgent, but treating yourself with compassion benefits your emotional wellbeing. As with any practice, it takes... practice.

Here are some tips on ways to be kind to yourself.

1. Compliment yourself
2. Practice gratitude toward yourself
3. Speak to yourself with kindness
4. Reflect on your day
5. Prioritize self-care as an act of self-kindness
6. Engage in mindfulness practices
7. Set realistic goals for yourself
8. Forgive yourself
9. Take breaks and rest
10. Seek support to learn how to cultivate self-kindness

Dr. Kristen Neff

Last month we were at Gresham High School for an Assertive Engagement workshop with students in the Don't Oppress Youth Success mentoring group. Part of the SUN (Schools Uniting Neighborhoods) program run by Metropolitan Family Service Site Manager Lorelei Estrera, these students will mentor middle school students this spring in their community. We talked about incorporating strengths-based practices and practiced using reflections and open ended questions when working with youth.

Finding Steady Ground:

Strengthening our spirits to resist and thrive in these times.

If you're feeling like the world is shifting and moving too fast beneath your feet, these seven actions to from Finding Steady Ground might help.

Daily:

• I will make a conscious decision about when and where I’ll get news — and what I’ll do afterwards.
• I will make human-to-human connection with another person and make sure we stay in motion.

Weekly:

• I will pray, meditate, or reflect on those I know who are being impacted by oppressive policies, and extend that love to all who may be suffering.
• I will read, listen to, or share a story about how others have resisted injustice.
• I will be aware of myself as one who creates.
• I will take a conscious break from social media.
• I will commit to sharing with others what’s helping me.

Immigrant Legal Resource Center Red Cards

One way to protect your rights is to know them and to prove you know them. That's why the Immigrant Legal Resource Center (ILRC) developed their Red Cards / Tarjetas Rojas, with the explicit purpose of helping all people, regardless of immigration status, assert their constitutional rights and defend themselves.

Visit the ILRC's page to download artwork to print your own cards in 19 different languages, and spread the word!



Here is the text on the cards:

You have constitutional rights:

• DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR if an immigration agent is knocking on the door.

• DO NOT ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS from an immigration agent if they try to talk to you. You have the right to remain silent.

• DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING without first speaking to a lawyer. You have the right to speak with a lawyer.

• If you are outside of your home, ask the agent if you are free to leave and if they say yes, leave calmly.

• GIVE THIS CARD TO THE AGENT. If you are inside of your home, show the card through the window or slide it under the door.

"I do not wish to speak with you, answer your questions, or sign or hand you any documents based on my 5th Amendment rights under the United States Constitution.

I do not give you permission to enter my home based on my 4th Amendment rights under the United States Constitution unless you have a warrant to enter, signed by a judge or magistrate with my name on it that you slide under the door.

I do not give you permission to search any of my belongings based on my 4th Amendment rights.

I choose to exercise my constitutional rights."

These cards are available to citizens and noncitizens alike.

If you find it challenging to practice self-compassion, what is the main reason?

Assertive Engagement certification is now available to contracted community partners via our Blended Learning Video Series

https://www.multco.us/assertive-engagement