“There is no time left for anything but to make peace work a dimension of our every waking activity.”

-Elise Boulding

When an interaction creates a feeling that we may deem negative: irritation, annoyance, anger, frustration, we may blame the other person and hold them responsible for our feelings. What Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, says in his framework of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is that if we operate from a place of compassion, we demonstrate that we are interested in contributing to their well-being and helping them contribute to our well-being.

This two-minute video gives a quick intro to Nonviolent Communication.

Let's work through an example.

• My coworker took a new job and now I'm stuck with all of their work plus mine. I'm overwhelmed and my boss doesn't care about me as long as the work gets done.

Nonviolent Communication encourages us to work through four steps when we are trying to communicate with others.

Observation. Take an honest assessment of what's happening without assigning judgment or blame or trying to evaluate the other person's motives.

• My coworker left and there is one person to do the job of two people.

Feelings. We then identify and express how these observations make us feel. We are describing actual feeling words, not what we think of ourselves or what we think of others. In our example, an inaccurate way to state a feeling would be I feel my boss doesn't care. This describes what you think of your boss, not how you're actually feeling. This would be more accurate:

• I feel overwhelmed and disappointed.

Needs. We have to acknowledge our needs before we can ask others to help us meet them. When our needs aren't met, we often find ourselves in conflict with ourselves or others. Based on your observation, determine what you're needing in the moment.

• I need to be able to complete my work fully without having to rush or drop things because I have double the workload. I need support.

Requests. We may think we have expressed what we want when we share our feelings or needs, but everyone has different communication styles. The best way to get what you want is to ask for it clearly. We have to remember that it is only a request if someone can say no without feeling like they will be blamed or punished if they don't comply. So saying, "Hire someone else now or I quit!" would not be considered a request in NVC.

• I am asking for support delegating work and prioritizing my time so I can complete the most important tasks fully while we're in transition.

More and more in American society, we are trained to think there is a right way and a wrong way (and the right way is the way I do things). If someone isn't for us, they are against us.

Nonviolent Communication challenges us to shift that thinking. We are all part of the human experience with our own feelings and needs. If I can express my needs and make a clear request of what you can do to meet those needs, you may be more inclined to help me. If I can hear your needs and requests, I'll help you so we can all have what we need for mutual well-being.

Rosenberg, M. The Nonviolent Communication Online Training Course. The Center for Nonviolent Communication. https://www.cnvc.org/store/nonviolent-communication-online-training-course

Conflict can happen fast. We're going through the day and then someone cuts the line in front of us, or takes something off our desk to use without asking, or bought tickets to a show during the same time they were to attend the kids school recital. 

Conflict always surrounds us in some form, and when there is conflict, our bodies quickly react. Understanding these neurobiological responses to conflict helps develop a deeper insight into why, during a disagreement, we said or did something that left us feeling disappointed in our behavior once we’re out of the situation. 

Conflict has a tremendous impact on our lives and health. It creates a cascade of chemical releases within the body. The moment conflict happens, cortisol (stress hormone) levels go up. This can over-stress the brain by negatively impacting the hippocampus (which plays a major role in learning and memory), causing reduced cognition and brain fog. Now we can’t think clearly. Conflict hits the senses through what is heard or seen. The messages from our senses are received by the thalamus as emotional stimuli which then rapidly transfers the information directly to the amygdala (emotional center), without routing through the cortex (decision making and control). There are two pathways to a reaction in the amygdala: confrontation (fight) or shutdown (flight). 

At this point the prefrontal cortex (the most logical and rational part of the brain) shuts down almost immediately. This in turn makes it difficult to take in new information and inhibits us from accessing reason.

This is where a person in conflict gets locked into the mindset I’m right and they are wrong. At this point, we might hear the words the other person is using, but we are not genuinely listening to understand and accurately process that information. This can result in unfairly blaming others for the conflict and not recognizing our own part in it. We may blame the other person for our hurt feelings and not recognize how they too might be hurt. We are deep in it with only our own feelings and point of view to guide us, which can keep us from seeing the bigger picture perspective needed to fully understand what the conflict entails.

Facts rarely matter to people during a conflict. The amygdala is hijacked and rationality is inaccessible. According to Mari Fitzduff, professor of Conflict Resolution and Coexistence at Brandeis University and author of Our Brains At War: The Neuroscience of Conflict and Peacebuilding, this shows up in scans of the brain, showing that the brain essentially freezes when presented with information that contradicts its beliefs, even if the new information is factually correct. 

Fitzduff discovered that someone who sees the world as a dangerous place tends to have a larger amygdala and bigger startle response.

They jump higher when surprised or have a big reaction to loud noises and unexpected events. They have a higher fear response to new experiences, things that are perceived as different from themselves and their identities, beliefs, and values.  

Emotions and instincts served us well for survival before modern civilization, when the environment was the biggest threat. Our instincts are wired to keep us safe. They are programmed/written into our genes, hormonal levels, and how we respond and change to our environments. That is why feelings come first. I feel afraid, I feel in danger, I feel there is a threat so I need to do something fast. Our instinct is then to fight or flee because there is not enough time to think it through. In the modern world, fleeing can look like shutting down and disengaging. People who respond in this manner may be seen as conflict avoidant. 

According to Founder of the organization Beyond Conflict, Tim Phillips, when a person is afraid, they feel threatened. ”It is very hard for a person’s body to know the difference between physical and emotional pain” because the signals of physical and psychological trauma are indistinguishable in the brain. For a person to be able to access their rational thinking again, they need to feel safe. Fitzduff recognizes that for healing and reconciliation to happen in the brain after a conflict, the amygdala’s alert system needs to be reduced. This is accomplished by creating more relaxed environments where people can let their guard down and recognize the other person isn’t a threat. Finding ways to increase each person’s oxytocin levels is crucial to successful reconciliation.

Fitzduff says, “Oxytocin increases a sense of belonging and connectedness. It reduces the fear of human betrayal.” When this is done successfully, it “shifts people’s feelings about others and they will be more open to hearing them and helping them and working with them.”

Unwind and Recenter

Watch Jelan Agnew's 10 minute talk on specific trauma responses in the Black community due to White Supremacy and Inter-generational Trauma.

Unwind with

Free Art to Color

First Place photo in the Underwater Seascapes category, "Cormorant Love" by Taryn Schulz

We have launched the Blended Learning Video Series to contracted community partners!

Assertive Engagement training uses methods and principles from Popular Education, where we believe everyone has something to learn and something to teach. If you want to know more and learn how to use Popular Education in your facilitation, Multnomah County's Public Health Community Partnerships & Capacity Building team is happy to announce the opening of the 2024-2025 Popular Education Cohort!

This cohort is designed for community members and Multnomah County staff who would like to further develop their popular education facilitation and agenda/curriculum design skills.  Sessions will be offered in person (Sept-Nov, Mar-June) and virtually (Dec-Feb).

Please submit this application form by August 16th, 2024.

Spaces are limited. We will let you know about your application status by late August 2024.

For more information about the Popular Education Cohort in Spanish, please contact Teresa Campos-Dominguez at teresa.campos-dominguez@multco.us or 503-709-6567.

What's your usual response to conflict?

https://www.multco.us/assertive-engagement