"In recognizing the humanity of our fellow beings, we pay ourselves the highest tribute."

- Thurgood Marshall

Humans crave connection through communication. Getting together with others, talking about what excites us, sharing about our life adventures, having a laugh - low stakes conversations can be a down right comfort. When the conversation flows in an interesting and funny way, then connection with others is easy.

Then there are the conversations that might feel mildly uncomfortable, somewhat stressful and a bit tense at moments of disagreement or misunderstanding. They aren’t our favorite talks to have but they are manageable. 

The conversations that are most avoided are usually the most important. They fill us with anxiety, fear and even dread. These conversations are scary because the stakes are high and the outcomes deeply matter. A conversation is high stakes when the decisions made during the conversation have a notable impact on our life. The scariest conversations, or the ones that set off the danger zone alarms, are the ones where we care about the relationship with the other person and there is an unmet need that has to be addressed. There is a strong emotional investment in how the discussion turns out. A “no” or “yes” to what we need can be scary. What is also scary is how it can impact our relationship with the other person. 



Issues that are avoided or kept hidden cannot get resolved. The willingness to engage in uncomfortable conversations is a crucial part of building and nurturing healthy relationships. 

Are these conversations scary? Yes. Can these conversations feel hard? Yes. Are these uncomfortable conversations necessary? Also, yes!

Waiting until silence is no longer an option, isn’t the best time to launch into a high stakes conversation. There is the surface issue of what we are talking about (I need you to walk the dog) and then the undercurrent (I feel alone in this relationship when I do all the chores). Before inviting the other person into the conversation, take some time with yourself to determine why the conversation is important. If the issue has bothered you for a while, why is it bothering you? Is there a particular need that hasn’t been met? Invest time in distinguishing between unmet needs and feelings before the conversation to be clear on the what and why of your requests. 

Another good thing to be aware of is your communication style. Everyone has a default style. 

There are 4 main communication styles: 

1. Passive - This approach is quiet and avoids saying what is thought or felt. Personal needs are ignored, excessive apologies are made, statements are self-deprecating and there is a tendency to be indecisive. They easily give into others desires and follow what the majority of people are doing. 
2. Aggressive - Dominates conversations and has a confrontational style. Frequently asserts thoughts and opinions, interrupts others, insults, criticizes, blames and bullies other people to get their way. Communicates in a condescending way and doesn't fully listen to what is said because of focusing on their own perspective. 
3. Passive Aggressive - There is a disconnect between what is said and what is genuinely felt. Passive aggressive communication makes use of sarcastic or snarky comments, backhanded compliments, gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and stonewalling. This style will pretend to not know how to do something to avoid it. 
4. Assertive - Shares thoughts and ideas respectfully and in a clear and concise manner. Recognizes they deserve to be heard and understood. Assert needs, have healthy personal boundaries, and provide constructive feedback. Active listening is an important part of this style which approaches conversations with an abundance mindset. It makes use of the 3 C’s of good communication: Clarity, Consistency, and Courtesy. 

People typically develop their default communication styles at a young age and continue to use them when stressed or overwhelmed because it is familiar. That doesn’t mean it is the ideal style for nurturing healthy meaningful relationships. Understanding the different styles of communication can provide insight and help us interrupt patterns of behavior that don’t serve us well. What are some signs that you're falling into your own default style when having a tough conversation? How do you get back to where it feels safe enough to use an assertive engagement style of communication? 

Set yourself up for better conversation outcomes by not having tough conversations when you are very upset or in a negative headspace. Tough conversations need the parties involved to be mentally present, and open to vulnerability. To build safety in a conversation, focus on your goal for having the conversation and keep on track. Talk about one subject at a time and remain centered on the present situation. It is easy to get sidetracked by what happened in the past or other issues that have come up in the relationship. If the main goal is to get your way exactly how you want it, it may be hard to get the other person to commit to the change. During tough conversations try to see the other person’s perspective even if you don’t agree with it. Remember, they have their own needs, wants, hopes, dreams, and desires… just like you. They may be different from our own, but they are valid for them. If we want our needs and feelings respected, we need to give the other person the same respect. 

Everyone is different and is on their own path in life. What that path looks like, may be based on what they need to learn and how those life lessons are learned. A path changes over time. It’s okay. What we can do is decide our own responses to each situation as it arises. Accept that “no” is a healthy response and everyone has a right to say no, including you. We can’t change others, but we can communicate our feelings and needs and be open to hearing theirs. What we each want might not align, but we can listen with empathy to understand their perspective.. Commit to courage by choosing authenticity over winning. It is a conversation not a debate championship. Ask yourself how you want to feel at the end of the conversation and how you want the other person to feel. Building and maintaining healthy relationships where everyone feels valued enriches our lives. Stepping up to crucial conversations may be scary but it is worth it. 

This novel might be classified as Young Adult fiction, but the writing is so beautiful, the characters so well developed, and  the community captured so vividly; it holds up to any novel written for adult audiences. The lead character Daunis Fontaine is a biracial, unenrolled tribal member with Ojibwe lineage. An injury has halted her dreams of becoming a college hockey player, and tragedy has kept her in her hometown. The surprising overdose of her uncle has her working with an unlikely partner to explore the source of a new deadly drug in her community. This novel expertly weaves together a compelling plot with Indigenous stories and customs. Author Angeline Boulley takes on tough topics like sexual assault, grief, and substance use while celebrating belonging, family, and culture as part of resilience and healing. A perfect read for autumn.

Keep the celebration of Hispanic/Latino culture going through November at the Hollywood Theatre. See cinematic offerings from Portland Latin American Film Festival, which "presents films with universal appeal that can be enjoyed by native Spanish, Portuguese, and English speakers, and other lover of the Latin culture."

We love to hear what you're thinking! Email responses to the Question of the Month to aeinfo@multco.us

Recap from September's COOP

Screening of Coded Bias

A HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who attended the AE COOP event on September 28th - the viewing of Coded Bias and the discussion that followed. Each person who attended this event contributed unique and valuable insights, and I feel like we all left feeling more connected to one another and empowered to take on the issues of technological bias that can seem so overwhelming when we face them alone.

I really appreciated each person’s reactions to the documentary, as each of us brought in a different set of experiences and lenses. The way each person’s comment flowed into the next made the discussion so much more powerful than any kind of traditional “Q&A” - and everyone had really significant and heartfelt responses!

We also want to thank The Judy for hosting and Pat Moran for taking good care of us.

https://www.multco.us/assertive-engagement