MEDIATION MUSINGS 

Sara Barnes, Executive Director



Monsters Are People, Too

I took advantage of the pause, “So you are the landlord and––” She cut me off. “Of course I’m the landlord, don’t you get it? She’s the monster. I’ve done everything right! She’s the one who caused this, all of this. She’s in the wrong! I’m out tens of thousands. Make her pay!”

After a long and challenging intake, we set her up with a mediation team, explaining that we don’t take sides, and that she and the tenant would be helped to talk and develop their own agreement. Fast forward: they did meet and come up with an agreement, the best they could do under the very charged circumstances. The mediators worked hard. It was not easy, but our mediators do work that is not easy every day. Now in looking back on this case, what I want to consider is what mediators can do when we hear about “monsters.”

Mediating with Monsters

A productive process can happen only if it is a conversation between those who acknowledge, at least minimally, each other’s humanity. If one party has dehumanized the other, such as categorizing them as unworthy of an equal human status, labeling them an animal, thinking of them as a nonliving object or a monster, mediation is going to be hard if not impossible. The mediator can stay optimistic, though, knowing that the mediation process may be able to create a productive atmosphere. In time and with a well-facilitated conversation, dehumanizing may begin to peel away.

Mediators may use one of the following techniques to help de-monster-ize:

• Using even-handed and equalizing statements showing equality: Mary is concerned about X and Jill is concerned about Y.
• Amplifying details that paint the person as a whole human: Repeating here that Jill has told us that she has been worried about this for many months and has found herself thinking about how to work this out.
• Modeling kindness, respect, and positive acknowledgement to both participants: Really helpful comment, thanks. Or, Very clear and productive. Or, Thanks for that illuminating information. 
• Commenting that the discourse is improving, and that a partnership is developing: You two were having a very productive exchange there that seemed helpful and valuable to me as your mediator. Was it for you?

Sometimes despite the best efforts of the mediators to create an equitable and uplifting conflict resolution process, one party continues to treat the other with disdain and disrespect. The mediator could decide to end the mediation, recognizing that the process is likely to have a harmful effect. In my experience, this outcome of ending the mediation is exceedingly rare. 

What is much more common is that once two people in conflict begin to talk, listen, reflect, and consider solutions, the two-dimensional dehumanizing dims while the “monster’s" full humanity begins to fill in a three-dimensional form. Monsters no more. Humans for the win.

A much longer version is here with many links and more tips for mediators.

LEARN ABOUT ALL THE SERVICES WE PROVIDE

• Youth Mediation
• Family and Divorce Mediation Program––PMP
• Housing Mediation
• Civil Court / Small Claims
• Re-Entry Program
• Workplace Conflict Mediation and Management
• Facilitation Services
• Agricultural Mediation
• Conflict Coaching
• Financial Conflict Coaching
• Elderly and Aging Mediation
• Classes, Workshops, Seminars, and Training Programs

Check out our WEBSITE for details.

Community Programs

info@mvmediation.org or call 508-693-2999

Housing Program

admin@mvmediation.org or call 508-693-2199

BOARD OF DIRECTORS CORNER

The Board of Directors welcomed new member David Ross and new Assistant Director Kerri Sorensen to our first meeting of Fiscal Year 2024 on Tuesday August 1. The Board discussed new bylaw language, reviewed our 2023 finances, and budgeted for FY 2024. Board members discussed their commitment to ongoing projects; the Board is defined as a Working Board.

Mediator Check-In attendee Tina Jones, from Delaware/Maryland, joined the meeting to discuss DEI+B+J. Each meeting includes a focus on Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, Belonging, and Justice. For this month the Board watched a short video describing Microaggressions. The Board members shared their experiences on this and other DEI+B+J concepts.

A new program from the Attorney General’s Office––the Local Consumer Program––was discussed as a new service for MV Mediation on Martha’s Vineyard and an expansion to include Nantucket as well as overflow cases from the State.

FEATURED SERVICE: Conflict Coaching

GOT CONFLICT? CONFLICT COACHING MAY HELP!

By Jane Katch and Roland Miller, Conflict Coaches, Martha’s Vineyard Mediation Program

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? 

• “I need to find a way to get along better with my brother. We love each other but sometimes we get into these big arguments—the same old stuff. It’s a pattern and I don’t know how to break out of it.”
• “I’ve got this conflict situation at work and I know I am not handling it well. What can I do?"
• “My friend and I work together and often we get into these heated arguments. He triggers me and then I get angry and sometimes lose it. It’s very stressful!”

We all encounter interpersonal conflict—it’s inevitable. Sometimes we are able to resolve conflicts, but frequently conflicts remain unresolved. These conflicts then can fester, creating stress and anxiety, and sometimes intense anger and estrangement. Conflicts are inevitable but when we were growing up, many of us did not learn how to resolve them effectively. Perhaps our approach was silence or avoidance—“you just don’t talk about” uncomfortable issues. Or our approach was loud, with anger expressed openly but often with the loudest or strongest person “winning”––a win/lose, a zero-sum game.

Coaching is a route that will help both participants win.

As one of its services, MV Mediation offers conflict coaching. A trained coach helps clients in a one-on-one confidential setting. Participants make progress by gaining insight into why the conflict is happening and work with their coach to meet their self-selected goal. Coach and client develop a productive approach focused on one specific conflict example. The client looks carefully at options for how they might resolve conflicts, while the coach supports them in making a plan for a more effective way to react. Working with the coach, clients develop their own plan to handle future conflicts and learn about how they might develop more productive ways to handle disagreements in the future.  

Sometimes conflict coaching participants access this service with a focus on how the other person is in the wrong. Conflict coaching is not designed to blame others. Instead it is a route toward guided self reflection. Coaching clients realize, as they go through the process, the truth of the saying You can't change anyone but yourself.

Typically, conflict coaching sessions involve two one-hour sessions approximately a week apart. Once the client has analyzed the conflict and developed a plan, coaches are available for further consultation upon request. Conflict coaching is a low- or no-cost service based on your income. If you’d like further information, please call MV Mediation at 508-693-2999. MV Mediation helps people to work things out. Conflict Coaching can help.

UPCOMING COURSES

People who take our courses say that their professional and personal lives improve. We offer a variety of themes designed to help you understand how conflict can be better managed in your personal life, workplace, and community. Registration is open for our Fall lineup of courses. Click here for a complete at-a-glance schedule.

Introduction to Conflict Coaching

20 hours, 8 sessions

September through October, Tuesdays and Fridays 10am–12pm

Learn coaching techniques to guide individuals toward new approaches to managing conflict in everyday life. This course is a useful prep for Intro to Mediation. For more information, click here.

Conflict Resolution Essentials

15 hours, 10 sessions

September through November, Thursdays 4–5:30pm

Learn conflict analysis, review cultural messages about conflict, and gain strategies for use in daily life. Learn to be a conflict resolver in your workplace, home, or community. For more information, click here.

Introduction to Mediation––Basics and Advanced MA Qualification

40 hours, 12 sessions (total for both segments)

October through December, Tuesdays 10am–12:30pm

The first segment is a six-session interactive course where participants learn the principles,

process, and theory of facilitative mediation in a hands-on process. In the second segment, participants who wish to continue toward MA qualification will review mediation complexity and dilemmas, diversity, impasses, and ethical topics. For more information, click here.

Workplace Cohort Conflict Management

15 hours, 10 sessions

Mid October through December 2023, Wednesdays 9–10:30am

Improve approaches to workplace conflict with a confidential cohort of managers and supervisors. Using text, discussion, and case studies, this course is interactive. For more information, click here.

Negotiation Clinic

Advanced training for experienced mediators, this bimonthly mediation clinic focuses on practice issues when mediators are managing participants’ negotiation. If interested, send an email to info@mvmediation.org.

“MV Mediation has great courses! You should learn with them. Great people, and I had fun.”   ––One of our participants, after taking two courses

EVENTS

• August 3rd––8:30am–10am: Association for Conflict Resolution-NY––Virtual Roundtable: “Millennials and Managing Intergenerational Conflict”
• August 31st––9am PT/12pm ET: Academy of Professional Family Mediators Town Hall 2023––“Mediator Mindset; The Inside Job of a Family Mediator”
• September 20th––12–1pm: “Addressing Bias and Stereotypes in Mediation,” led by Audrey Lee
• October 2nd–3rd: 2023 NAFCM National Assembly
• October 4th–6th: 2023 Association for Conflict Resolution Conference: “Collaboration, the New Normal?”
• October 25th–27th: Academy of Professional Family Mediators Conference––“Mediating in an Increasingly Diverse World” (100% online)
• October 25th––5:30–6:30pm: (Save the Date!) Community Dispute Settlement Center BASH!

This month’s links for your reading, listening and viewing pleasure:

• Canvassing the power of active listening
• Asking the right question can make all the difference
• Cross-cultural communication: negotiating in translation
• Communicating with emotional intelligence
• Mediation is an important tool for farmers
• Three secrets of negotiation in mediation
• Power in conflict resolution
• “Hidden Brain” Podcast: “Relationships 2.0––How to Keep Conflicts from Spiraling”
• Gen Z communication styles explained 
• Podcast––“Miscommunication at Work––a Lot to Miss”

MEDIATORS’ CHECK-IN

Wednesdays at 4pm––all are welcome to join.

No Mediator Check-ins in August. We are back on September 6th.

Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86378014243

Tips––September 6: Gathering information during mediation

DEI––September 13: Intro to Othering and Belonging Institute

Meet––September 20: Meet your mediator (TBD)

Role Play––September 27: Co-mediation collaboration



Why I Mediate

Our vision at MV Mediation is to create an island of competent, capable, and effective conflict resolvers. We are glad to be of help in some small way and humbly appreciate hearing from

community members––like Victoria!

“I wanted to take a moment to let you know how much I enjoy reading your newsletters. Early in the pandemic you did regular pieces on conflict resolution which inspired and helped guide some of the work I do at the Council on Aging. I’ve saved each and every one, and continue to do so, occasionally going back and looking for something that might be useful at the moment. Many thanks for all the hard work you do to bring greater harmony to our community!” All the best, Victoria

DEIJ+B: DIVERSITY, EQUITY, INCLUSION, JUSTICE + BELONGING

MV Mediation was glad to meet so many community members during the Truth & Joy event. The event was hosted by the Martha’s Vineyard Diversity Coalition and provided an opportunity to learn about the Island’s racial history and celebrate our rich, diverse cultures with art, music, food, and poetry.

AGRICULTURAL MEDIATION

Martha’s Vineyard Mediation is part of a national network of USDA-supported farm, agriculture, and aquaculture mediation programs. If you know of any farms, farm stands, CSAs, or agricultural/aquacultural businesses, MV Mediation can help. Most services are free or low cost through USDA funding. We work with farms in Dukes, Barnstable, Bristol, and Plymouth Counties. Our brochure is here; please pass it on to those who may need these services. We will be at the Ag Fair, so stop by our table and say hi!

FAMILY MEDIATION PROGRAM

Divorce, Family & Conflict Resolution

We offer help talking with your spouse or partner about divorce, parenting issues, custody schedules, financial decisions, and communication itself, and can help you to renegotiate existing plans. We also work with reconciling couples and those who have conflicts they need help to resolve.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE FAMÍLIA E DIVÓRCIO

Divórcio, Disputas em Familia e Resolução de Conflitos

Conflitos entre marido e mulher, pais e filhos, problemas conjugais, com parceiros ou entre familiares, divórcio, custódia física e legal, planejamento para os cuidados do menor, visitação de menores, revisão do suporte financeiro e plano de visitação, divisão de bens e possível reconciliação.

info@mvmediation.org or call 508-693-2999

HOUSING MEDIATION PROGRAM

Conflict with a Tenant or Landlord?

We offer FREE MEDIATION for housing cases in Dukes and Bristol Counties and information about RAFT––rental financial assistance for back rent or moving out. Take a look at this article from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reporting about erroneous information about tenants being used and affecting homelessness and evictions.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE MORADIA

Conflitos entre o proprietário e inquilinos?

Mediação GRÁTIS para qualquer tipo de conflito relativo a sua moradia nos Condados de Dukes e Bristol, e informações sobre o RAFT- programa de assistência financeira.

admin@mvmediation.org or call 508-693-2199

RE-ENTRY PROGRAM

Easier Transition from Incarceration to Community

Re-entry Mediation is FREE to incarcerated individuals (pre-release) and recently released individuals (post-release). For more information, check out our flyers for pre-released and post-released individuals.

IN-COURT AND COURT-REFERRED MEDIATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides free mediation services for eviction cases in Bristol and Dukes Counties. We are present at District Courts in Attleboro, Fall River, Taunton, and Edgartown for summary process cases. MVMP offers free services for civil cases and small claims in advance of the court date. We are also qualified to provide in-court and court-referred services for Dukes County District, Superior, Probate, and Family Courts. We provide mediation for pre-criminal and 286 E harassment cases. Our Juvenile court mediators help with cases referred from the Juvenile Court. MV Mediation waives fees for cases referred by court or with an active docket number. 

WORKPLACE CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

MV Mediation provides support to resolve conflicts in the workplace. We provide workshops and develop conflict resolution projects with workplaces, nonprofit organizations, and municipal and trades workplaces. Our confidential Workplace Management Cohort for supervisors and managers is a popular offering.

FACILITATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides facilitation services for groups, boards of directors, organizations, companies, and families. Neutral and confidential facilitation allows those who are attending the meeting to fully participate. If you need facilitation services, please reach out to discuss your needs. Read this article that describes how a facilitator can help you or your organization.

“We are in a much better place since we had a facilitator help us to pull things together. Thanks to the mediation program for all your help.”

 ––A recent facilitation client

CONFLICT COACHING SERVICES

It can help you. Not therapy. Not advice. 

So, what is Conflict Coaching?

Conflict Coaching is a one-on-one process, with the client and a coach working collaboratively to develop a new approach to conflict. It usually takes place over two one-hour sessions. Make your appointment today!

SOCIAL MEDIA

Following us on social media is a great way to support MV Mediation! Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. This month we focus on stress awareness and its connection to unresolved conflicts. As always, don’t miss out on helpful tips about managing conflicts in our daily lives. You will also get the latest information about community events, workshops, and courses.

Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

THANK YOU, DONORS!

Thanks to all our donors who participated in MV Mediation’s Annual Appeal. We will make use of your contributions wisely. We really appreciate your generosity.

It’s never too late to donate!

DONATE HERE

Our Mission

To serve our community by providing education, outreach,

mediation, conflict coaching, facilitation,

and related services to help prevent and resolve conflicts.

Our Vision

To create an island of competent, capable, and

effective conflict resolvers.

Thank you for our donors and sponsors for your continued support!

MV Regional Schools

MV Charter Schools

Healthy Aging Martha's Vineyard

Mediate.com

At MVMP our slogan is We Can Work It Out. Would you like to borrow this slogan?

Feel free. You Can Work It Out! We are here if you need our help.

MV Mediation Program mvmediation.org

508 693-2999 Community & Court

508 693-2199 Housing