Healthy Relationships Utah Teens
August 2021
TEEN TALK
Choosing Reds and Greens
Imagine you have this jar of beads and you close your eyes to pick one out. Which color are you most likely to get? A red bead, right?

Now what would make you more likely to get one of the rarer green beads? A few things that might help are opening your eyes, making the ratio of green to red more equal, and taking more time to choose your bead.

This is very similar to relationships. Think of red beads as those partners who may be a bad match, an unhealthy relationship, or even someone who just needs to work on themselves before getting into a relationship. Think of a green bead as an ideal match, someone who shares some of your interests and genuinely cares about you. Sometimes we need our eyes to be more open. This is why we learn more about healthy relationship attributes and what skills we can gain to help us achieve healthy interactions.

We need to surround ourselves with more green bead-type people. The more we understand green bead qualities, the more we will want those qualities in ourselves and those around us. Sometimes we just need to take more time and to slow down to make really good choices about the people we allow into our lives. Each of these ideas are so important to the success you have in finding and maintaining a green bead kind of relationship.

Activity idea: List at least 10 qualities or characteristics you want in a friendship or romantic relationship. What are your top three “must have” qualities and three deal-breaker qualities that you will not accept in a potential partner? How long will it take for you to see these qualities in a person?

QUOTE CORNER
Quotes About the
Love Notes Curriculum
“I learned the importance of my boundaries, expectations, and feelings in a relationship. I learned that I don't have to put up with someone who doesn't treat me right or who doesn't make me feel happy. I learned how to look for red flags in a relationship and how to avoid those types of people; how to get out of those relationships. I also learned how important having conversations about steps within the relationship are to have with the other person.”
-Female Participant
PARENTING TIP
Talking to Your Teen
Talking to your teen about what to look for in a relationship can be daunting. Will they hear you and receive it well? Will they simply brush off or ignore what you?

It’s important to make clear that you’re on the same team and want what’s best for them. This includes listening and validation, not just fixing a problem or forcing your beliefs. Below are seven principles of smart relationships that are designed to help you and your teen talk about building healthy relationships.

If you can, identify good and bad examples of these principles in relationships around you. Which of these might have been useful to you when you were a teen?

  1. Seek a good match. Look for common interests: Do you have similar interests? What activities do you enjoy together? Do your differences work well together?
  2. Pay attention to values: Are your values shared or respected by your partner? Consider religious, spiritual, political, and moral values. More importantly, do you see eye to eye on sexual boundaries?
  3. Don’t try to change the other person into someone he or she is not: If you go into a relationship thinking you can change the person to someone you desire, you’ll probably end up disappointed. You can be supportive in making positive changes, but do not think you can do it for them.
  4. Don’t try to change yourself to get someone’s love: Be true to yourself. Don’t try to pretend or become what you think the other person wants. Be real and look for people who appreciate you as you are. 
  5. Expect good communication and do not run from conflict: Explore your differences and pay attention to how you both deal with conflict. Evaluate how well you communicate. Are you both willing to learn and improve communication skills if necessary?
  6. Don’t play games, pressure, or use someone: Do not manipulate, pressure, or use a power advantage to get someone to do something. A worthy and equal relationship is not one based on games, manipulation, or pressure.
  7. Expect respect and hold to your standards: Hold to your standards for how you will be spoken to and treated. Don't tolerate disrespectful or abusive behavior. You deserve to feel safe and to have healthy relationships.
RESOURCES
More Information






Healthy Relationships Utah is an Extension program from Utah State University. It offers free public courses on relationships in stepfamilies, parenting, smart dating, and couples.

Grow and strengthen your relationships over your entire life. Check the website monthly for new course and time offerings and--especially--share it with your friends and family!
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Funding for this program was provided by the OPA Grant: TP1AH000232. Additional support was provided by Utah State University Extension. Any opinions, findings, conclusions, or recommendations expressed are those of the presenters/authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of the funders. Utah State University is an affirmative action/equal opportunity institution and is committed to a learning and working environment free from discrimination, including harassment. For USU’s non-discrimination notice, see