Hello spiritual friends!
Have you ever noticed that the people in our lives, especially the ones we see frequently, start to become very familiar as we learn what to expect from them. We know their likes and dislikes, their stories, conversation styles and how they might react in a given situation. This familiarity is a lovely part of our most cherished relationships. We feel safe, comfortable and easy with these people when we know what to expect from them.
And for those people with whom life feels challenging -- with repeated disappointments, frustration or anger -- we also learn what to expect from them. While we may not like it, there is some comfort in knowing their patterns of behavior, as well. We can prepare ourselves and/or take steps to avoid them if possible.
A snapshot in time
These expectations, good or bad, are generated from a snapshot in time. They are fixed images about what we expect from other people or ourselves. And because they are fixed, they don't allow room for change, growth or expansion. Have you ever experienced someone responding to you or describing who you are based on an older version? Maybe you have grown and changed. Maybe you are different now, but they still "see" you in the old way. Years ago, I worked in a corporate as a project manager for software development group. There was a technical person on the team who was critical and demeaning toward me because I did not have the technical background she expected. Even after I learned the ropes, she continued to see me as less than capable.
Choose to be curious.
Want to bring more mystery and adventure into your life? You can do it without spending a dime for travel. Why not choose to see the loved ones in your life in a fresh new way? Decide to see them anew with curiosity and wonderment. Ask leading questions that invites them to share a different aspect to a familiar story. What new perspective do they offer at this time in their lives? What have they learned from challenging experiences or the joyful ones?
The other day my partner and I were visiting with some friends, and he told an interesting story that I hadn't heard before. I looked at him with amazement. Gosh, I wondered why he hadn't shared that experience with me before. Then I realized our friend had asked a question that invoked the story. The question caused my partner to remember something new. Our friend brought a fresh perspective into the conversation.
Listen like its brand-new
It is easy to tune-out in familiar relationships because we build an expectation about how a general conversation will flow. In the example above, our friend was listening intently enough to catch a nuance of the well-worn story being told. Then he asked a question. Listening fully opens up our feminine nature of receiving, no matter what body you are living in. When we receive someone fully in conversation, we give them the gift of our full loving presence. We allow them to be authentic and fully expressed.
And there is a bonus. When we feel safe and acknowledged in our most cherished relationships, we radiate our most authentic selves, we create a deeper intimacy that lasts a lifetime. When we can be our true selves, we can talk about the hard things, we can be honest about our feelings, preferences and intentions. We are no longer hiding some part of ourselves. We are free to express our emotions, our truth and feel complete in the relationship. When we demonstrate this genuine self, we unconsciously invite our loved one to model the same. This is the emotional glue that deepens our personal connections and generates longevity in relationship.
Pretend you just met them.
A great way to create more mystery in relationship is to let go of the presupposed ideas we have developed about them. How would you see this person if you just met them? The perspective that was more fixed and rigid begins to soften and release. Curiosity shows up. We connect with someone more fully and in the present moment. We see aspects of our loved ones that we have not seen before. We find new things to appreciate about them. Our relationships begin to feel crisp, fresh and fluid.
This shift in perspective also gives others space to grow and change. While they may NOT choose to change, giving this space is like shining a light on the pathway for them. We can hold space for them to grow, if and when they are ready. Whether or not someone else makes a change, we can choose to be in a different space with them every day. This expansiveness perspective flows out into every aspect of our own life. We reap the benefits of the intention.
Let mystery flow into upsets.
Differences of opinion show up in every healthy relationship and tend follow with anger, sadness, disappointments or other emotional pain. We can use curiosity to help move through these challenging times too. A great question to ask amid any kind of upset, is "what is this person or experience teaching me right now?" Be curious to look deeper into the situation and discover the seed of growth it offers you.
For a healthy relationship, the answer might be to speak more authentically, stand my ground, have more patience, set intention, or honor my boundaries, etc. In an unhealthy situation, we may be learning that we need to make a different choice or change some dynamic or leave - to find peace and safety. Recognize and accept what life is teaching in this moment and choose to be in gratitude for the insight.
Find gratitude in every detail.
Looking at life with gratitude tends to melt away those preconceived expectations and pictures about life, the people in our life and even ourselves. There is always something to be grateful for, like the warm bed we sleep in at night, the food in the refrigerator, our job, family, friends, home, etc. Living in gratitude is a practice that we can easily add to our daily routine. It begins with the simple act of noticing the benefits of life we enjoy throughout each day.
Gratitude powerfully changes the energy and perspective we bring into every aspect of life. It opens up possibilities we wouldn't have seen before. Feeling grateful for what we already have invokes sense of peace, renewal and a natural curiosity that invites the mystery into our world.
Find the mystery
- Be curious.
- Listen like its brand-new
- Find the mystery, even in upsets.
- Choose gratitude.
