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November has a way of filling the calendar before
we’ve had a chance to talk about it.
Family gatherings. Travel plans. Extra expenses, and not to mention the annual conversation about whose family gets which hours of Thanksgiving.
It’s easy to spend so much energy making the holidays work that we forget to check on how we’re doing together.
Before the season gets busy, have a conversation about expectations. A lot of holiday frustration starts with an expectation we never said out loud:
“I thought we were leaving after lunch.”
“I assumed you were handling the gifts.”
“I wanted one quiet day at home.”
Neither person necessarily intended to disappoint the other. But now you’re irritated, and someone is aggressively loading the dishwasher.
Set aside 15 minutes this week and ask each other:
- What matters most to you this holiday season?
- What are you already feeling stressed about?
- What do we need to say no to so we can enjoy what we say yes to?
- What would help you feel supported by me?
Listen long enough to understand before you start negotiating. You don’t have to share every preference to take each other’s needs seriously. Since November brings plenty of reminders to be grateful, here’s one way to make appreciation more meaningful: be specific.
“Thanks for everything” is nice. “I noticed you handled bedtime so I could have a minute to myself. That helped” tells your partner their effort registered. You don’t need a perfect holiday season. Make room for honest conversations, realistic plans, and a few moments of actually enjoying each other.
If you’re finding it difficult to have those conversations without getting stuck in the same argument, counseling can help. Reply to this email to ask about scheduling a session.
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