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Current conditions matter. If the phone rings, is it normal to refrain from answering if you are busy and don't want to break the flow of your conversation with friends, exercise set, meditation, writing session, meeting, rest period, nap, etc.) What if you are not in a place where you can talk comfortably and safely (for example the shower, on a crowded bus, a noisy bar, crossing the street)?
No Right Answer
Is it normal to answer the phone when it rings? Or is it more normal to let calls go to voicemail?
It seems very logical and self-caring to let calls go to voice mail if you want to. It also seems kind and generous to answer the phone when someone calls, particularly if they say it frustrates them when you don't. So what to do?
There is no universal "right" answer. As much as we would like to have certainty about how to handle relationship and communication questions, we are faced with complexity, ambiguity, and change. Perceptions influence behavior and they are influenced by values, culture, habits, beliefs, the capacity to communicate, personal psychology, self-awareness, the capacity to manage emotions, and the unfathomable nature of people in relationships. Relationships must be navigated situation by situation.
Healthy Behavior
Normal behavior may or may not be healthy. Healthy behavior promotes long-term wellness, harmony and effectiveness, while also meeting short-term objectives. Healthy behavior includes diet, exercise, learning, financial balance, work-life balance, open, respectful and truthful communications.
Healthy behavior is influenced by your values. Positive values promote healthy behavior. For example, valuing short term gains promotes success and therefor may be positive, but only if that value is paired with value for long-term benefit for others - employees, neighbors, future offspring, the environment. Otherwise, the short-term focus can lead to poor decisions, disharmony, and longer-term losses.
Mutually defining “positive values" and who is included in the "others" category sets the stage for healthy behavior.
For example if a value for safety and abundance is limited to oneself or one's family, class, or cultural group, and the welfare of others is not valued, the long-term goals of wellness, harmony and effectiveness are less likely to be achieved.
Making Healthy Normal
Making healthy behavior normal is a goal in any attempt at optimal wellness and performance. Doing it is simple, though not easy. It requires the courage, skill, and persistence of a Peaceful Warrior.
It means questioning your own beliefs and the prevailing beliefs of others about values, and normal behavior. It means describing what normal behavior is and deciding whether it is healthy and worth continuing. It means self-assessment and dialog to build understanding and rational expectations.
If there is a dialogue to explore their needs and perceptions, Jim and Coach can go forward with mutual understanding. Jim could explore the psychological issues underlying his frustration. Or he could realize that his idea of normal is not everyone else's. Or not. Coaches can use the situation for similar introspection.
Give up trying to be normal and getting others to buy-in to your idea of normalcy? Instead, aim for optimal wellness and performance. Let positive values drive your effort to creatively promote healthy behavior in yourself and your relationships. Make healthy behavior normal.
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