For months now, there has been one question on the minds of volunteers and guests alike: where is the rutabaga? The undisputed king of the vegetable world, beloved by all, was a regular feature in 2022. This year, we have seen nary a one.
Time and again, heartbroken families could only be offered organic fingerling potatoes, rainbow carrots, flavorsome beets, heirloom onions, and similarly second-rate root vegetables. True, there was also some fruit: oranges, limes, lemons, papayas, mangoes, pineapples, and grapes to name just a few. But that was little consolation: tribute bands when you came to hear the real deal. Seeing the tears of adorable little children when mom tried to explain that, once more, they would be getting top-shelf candy instead of a turnip was almost unbearable. Why mommy, WHY?
Behind the scenes, however, the wheels have been turning. We can now announce that Daily Bread has cornered the market in rutabaga. Yes, we have purchased the entire world supply through 2029. Obviously, this means we'll have no other food available, and the Federal Trade Commission is investigating possible violations of antitrust law, but that is a small price to pay.
"This is a huge triumph for the Pantry," said Daily Bread President Peter Kent. "A lot of so-called food is super tasty but when you've eaten it what have you got? Nothing! With a few rutabagas in the house, you'll always be well-stocked - because while it is technically food, it is pretty much inedible. And no one knows how to cook it anyway."
Warming to his subject, Kent also pointed out that, unlike other food, rutabaga is not a choking hazard, because no one in their right mind would put it in their mouth. "Then there is its versatility: doorstop, bowling ball, improvised bludgeoning tool, there really is no limit," Kent claimed. "It makes a great statement piece in just about any decor, too."
And one more advantage; there are umpteen Daily Bread Food Pantries throughout the United States. This creates unnecessary confusion. "People call us all the time thinking we are the Daily Bread across town, when in fact they live in Alaska," Kent explained. "That's not gonna happen when we change our name to Daily Rutabaga Food Pantry."