|
The other morning my wife told me that she was going to make banana bread with the bananas on the counter. I love banana bread, so I asked her, “How many do you need?”
She said, “Well, I noticed that the bananas were starting to go bad, so I thought I’d make some banana bread with them.”
I told her that I thought that was a great idea and asked her again, “How many do you think you’ll use?”
She then offered to go to the store to get more bananas. I told her that I thought we had plenty and she didn't need to go to the store. I had bought 20 bananas the last time I went to the market, and we still had about a dozen. I realize that’s probably more than the average household, but my son is home from college for the summer, and he uses them in his workout shakes. I wanted to make sure he had some left, so I asked again, “How many bananas do you think you’ll end up using?”
She paused, looked up as if she was thinking about the number and said, “The only reason I thought I would make the bread is because the bananas look really ripe and they'll go bad soon which is the perfect time to use them, but I won’t use them all.”
I told her that I get it and thought that it was a good idea, but I wanted to confirm the number, so my son still had some left over, “So, how many do you think you’ll use?”
She responded, “I don’t need to use all of them. I can just use a few in case you need some, or I can go to the market this afternoon to get more.”
At this point, I will admit that I was getting a bit frustrated. (Sidenote: I need to be careful here because I’ve come to realize that my wife reads this article 😊.) This is a classic conversation in our home and one I see emulated in the workplace quite often. Different people are seeking different outcomes from the same interaction creating conflict in the relationship. My wife was looking for reassurance and affirmation regarding the bread, but I was looking for a number.
People can be looking for different outcomes from the same conversation. A Director may ask, “How much is that project going to be?” and the answer will be a justification for the project instead of answering the question. Or someone will ask if the deadline is at the end of the week, and the response comes back with a status update instead of a due date.
There are numerous reasons this may happen, one of which is a difference in style. People operate, think, and communicate differently. My colleague, Gerri Brehm has written a book on this very dynamic. Some people may index on explanation and engage in the “why.” However, some may just be looking for an answer to a question.
This is where I find the Golden Rule (treat others as you want to be treated) may not work as well in relationships as the Platinum Rule (treat others as they want to be treated). Since different people may have different needs, communicating in a way that meets our own needs may not be effective when others need something different.
By the way, it was four...four bananas.
| 
