Most of us fight within our closest relationships. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute suggests that in successful relationships it is not the fact that we fight that is the problem, it’s the way that fights are handled. It becomes part of our repeated cycle of rupture and repair. But what happens when the repair portion doesn't occur as often as the rupture, or worse doesn't happen at all?
The repair is crucial and is actually an opportunity for growth and strengthening in a relationship. Repairing a relationship demonstrates the relationship is solid enough to withstand the bad, or even ugly days. This is important because every relationship will have bad days.
What makes repairs effective?
- When individuals are willing to admit responsibility for their part in the conflict, the process of healing can begin. They realize their relationship is more important than the problem. They understand the goal is to understand what went wrong and how to make the next conversation constructive, instead of destructive.
- Having a solid foundation of friendship will make repair attempts successful and keep relationships on track. A repair attempt is only going to work well if you have already been a good friend. Don’t wait for the rupture to start building this foundation.
- Never stop getting to know the other person. Ask them questions and remember their answers. Things change over time so don’t assume you already know.
- Take time to express your love and admiration for them by letting them know how much you care for them. Let them know you’re proud of them, compliment them, and thank them for all the things they do for you.
- Turn toward each other, not away. Respond to your friend or partner’s bids for attention. Spend time together. Ask for their opinion. Laugh at their jokes.
Most ruptures are small but should not be ignored. With each one, we grow in our ability to apologize, forgive, learn, and teach each other to build strong, solid relationships.
With the deeper ruptures, it may take some outside support to help repair the relationship and build trust in each other once again. Therapy can create a safe place and provide more tools for you to rebuild a solid foundation again.
Dawn is here for you. It’s our mission to treat and prevent trauma with individuals, couples, and families with the hope of building strong connections that will keep you grounded and prevent future ruptures in relationships.
